Aaron. Brook. Liberty. Presley

A little late

2012-01-27T06:47:00.000+10:00

So I realized this morning that it was now FRIDAY (yay, thank heavens this has been the LONGEST week ever) but that also, alas I had forgotten to write my Thankful Thursday post.

Yesterday we had Presley's Neurology appt with the pediatric Neurologist to find out more about her seizures that she has been having & the dreaded possible SWS. Good news is, that while yes Presley has a ton of markings all over her head/face, she said that she didn't agree with some of the other doctors that had seen her, and DOESN'T think she has SWS. (INSERT HUGE YAYYYYY and sigh of relief) but that because she has a few on her back, and most concerning the one that wasn't there when she was born but has developed and grown anyway, she still wants her to have an MRI to check for it, and of course to make sure her seizures aren't something crazy going on. She has to have that MRI (still has to be sedated for that) & an EEG of her brain. She said that she is hoping Presley's EEG will be able to be done without being sedated, so it just depends on if she can hold still enough, if not, she will sedate her for that too. SIGH, I HATE that sedation stuff, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. She also needs her blood drawn to check for some other things.

ANYWAY, on to much funner things, PRESLEY NOW WEIGHS 14 pounds! The little fatty lol! From her well baby check up on Monday to her appt yesterday, she gained 9 ozs!! Aaron & I kept saying we thought she seemed heavier, SURE enough, she is :) She is also 24 1/2 inches long, catching up to her sister nicely who is at 29 1/2 inches long. Presley is finally starting to fill out her 3 month size clothes well, and I have officially put away all the newborn & 0-3 month clothing. I will be honest here, don't judge me, I bawled my eyes out. It's bittersweet to know I won't ever have a tiny little baby wearing them again. Both girls have worn them, and it makes me sad memories won't be made in them anymore. I LOVE that Presley is getting bigger, but time is FLYING by, and before I know it they will both be in college. And THAT is the fact that makes me get this huge lump in my throat. I just wish time could slow down.

I've never really been afraid of growing old, but over the past few wks, my world has been changed, and now the future of what lies ahead scares me a little. There's that raw pain that the fear of the unknown brings. No matter how grateful one can feel or be, that doesn't mean situations aren't hard, and it doesn't take the pain away. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? I have realized though, that while my body may have this disease, IT doesn't have ME. I'm thankful to know that. I have felt pretty defeated lately, and I was so SURE that this new year would bring wonderful and great things. I was very hopeful that it would be better than last year, because last year was HARD... and while January has made me it's bitch, I'm hoping that the next 11 months will be better. My new favorite quote is by Elizabeth Edwards. "She stood in the storm, & when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails". So while life isn't exactly how I would want it to be, I'm adjusting & even though I feel defeated a LOT lately, I'm still very grateful for the things I have.

I laid in bed this morning with my sweet little Libby who is sick, and we watched some cartoons while Presley napped in her swing. While that may not seem like the best to some, it was the best for me. Why you ask? Because Libby had her head on my shoulder all cuddled up with me & her blankey, and every so often she would look up at me & smile. Her sweet little face and her red little eyes because she was fighting naptime so hard, but the way her eyes sparkled and she would just randomly kiss my cheek... THAT is what makes my world go round. I could hear Presley being rocked by her swing, and seeing the steady rise & fall of Libby's chest as she finally fell asleep in my arms, my whole world felt complete. Sure I wish things in life could be easier, that people didn't have to get sick, and babies/kids didn't have to struggle, BUT all in all, I feel like my world is pretty darn good. I wouldn't trade my crazy life with anyone, because I love my life. I love the people in it, and that is what I'm thankful for, MY life. I'm thankful for the good times, because they are what get me through the hard times. I've had countless times in the shower where I've cried & sobbed, I've gotten good at the silent cry, but it makes me human. It makes me FEEL, and the thing about that, is that you can't possibly know how GOOD you have it, unless you have experienced the hard bad times too. And the truth is, The good FAR outweighs the bad.

Thankful Thursday

2012-01-19T07:41:00.000+10:00

I've thought about this post for a few days, and then after the events of yesterday, my mind went blank. Blank and all I wanted to do was post about how blindsided I feel, how my heart is aching, but then I realized, blogging about that isn't going to change anything. So I didn't, I kept it in, cried my eyes out in my sweet hubby's arms while he so sweetly said "we will fight this Brook" (which made me cry more because I just feel lucky to have such a good man in my life). I woke up this morning still in denial, and really upset that life just can't be easier. I mean seriously, WHEN is enough, enough? Then a phone call came from my Dr. confirming what he said it was Yesterday, and I was just thinking, Thanks dude, don't you know it's suppose to be "thankful thursday", how the heck am I going to write a THANKFUL post after this phone call!?! It's funny how life can just throw these things out of left field and BLINDSIDE you. I laid in bed sobbing, and for a minute wishing I had a maid/nanny so that would allow me to be able to just lay in bed all day & throw myself the biggest best pity party. But then I remembered this quote, Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway. ~Emory Austin. So I laid there pondering things about life, how unfair it can be, and really thinking about the good. I've always wondered what compells people to run marathon after marathon, especially when they are sick... and NOW I know. I made a vow to start running everyday, to need to at least get out and walk everyday with the girls (good thing I got a new stroller) because I don't want to later be wondering WHY I didn't do this. WHy I took it for granted. That has to be one of the main reasons people do this, because they NEED to LIVE and really LIVE their life, while they still can. I'm not ready to tell, and don't know if I will ready for a while, but I promise to eventually post about this huge elephant in the room. I'm not going to start running marathons, but I am going to get outside and RUN everyday.

Yesterday after I got home from my appt, I just needed to get out and DO something. So I jogged behind Libby as I pushed her in the stroller. I took in how clear the sky was, how the sun was setting and how it glistened perfectly on the leaves. I'm thankful for just how beautiful it was, and the crisp air to breathe in was wonderful. She LOVES our new stroller. As I'm unbuckling her after we are done, she looks up with this puppy dog sad face, and says no no no, MOE!! She says "MOE" for more, it's pretty hard to not just take her on another walk when she does that. That walk helped put things into perspective, and was good for my soul. I'm thankful to be able to go on walks with my girls, I won't ever take that for granted now.

Presley was SUPER happy before I left for my appt, and I'm just thankful for her smiley little face. Her smiles help me feel better, even when it's hard. Look at that double wrist fatty bracelet, I'm thankful for those too. Babies are suppose to be fat!

I'm thankful for my girls. Thankful to be their Mama (I know, I know, I say that every blog post & every TT post, but it's because it's true) I'm never in the pictures, so even though I don't look awesome in it & it's pretty grainy, I LOVE that it's of me & my two precious girls.

Most of all though, I'm thankful for my family. For my sweet hubby, and how supportive he is. He may tick me off and annoy me sometimes, but he means everything to me & I'm lucky to be his wife. In all the craziness that life throws, I'm just thankful every night that I have a family to be with, and who is always there for me. In times of hardship & sadness, family is always there, and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for my Mama being there for me to cry to yesterday. I'm thankful for one of my besties, who listened to me cry while Aaron kept adding his input & making us laugh, and for dealing with my crappy phone service & all the dropped calls. I'm thankful I have loved ones to share the good times and the bad times with, because that is what life is all about.

Here's the most up to date pic of my sweet little family, my most wonderful blessings. I'm thankful for every single day I get with them, and I'm thankful to know how precious life & your health really is.

ThAnkFul ThUrSdAy.. Here's to YOU!

2012-01-12T14:00:00.000+10:00

Last weeks raw thankful Thursday was very well received and I appreciate all the emails that were sent to me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm sharing too much, but then I get the emails saying thanks & I feel justified :) I'm thankful to have such great friends that are there for me. I'm thankful for the ones who love me for ME & look past all my faults & love me anyway. I'm thankful for true friends that have stepped up to the plate and become my family when family hasn't been there. Living far away from family can be hard, but our friends have become our second family, and Im so thankful for you all.

I'm thankful for all the friends Aaron & I have made living overseas & our military family. I love my military wifey friends, you all know who you are, and I'm so thankful to have such a big support system in all of you. I love the unity we have. A lot of us don't live at the same base anymore, but it's still like we live next door, and I love that! Aaron is putting in his paperwork to cross train from AMMO to a new job in the military, and has been researching jobs like crazy. He recently asked me what I thought about a certain base, and I replied "oh so&so live there and they love it...." this makes me smile to look back on, because we have so many friends all around the world and to me that's amazing. From friends all over the states, to all over Europe, to Asia & Guam, it's comforting to know we have friends everywhere.

I'm thankful for the military and the secure job it gives my husband. The opportunities we have had in the military have been great, and I'm thankful for the knowledge we've learned while being in the military life as well. I'm thankful to how solid it's helped Aaron & I become as a couple. We were pretty close before he joined, but then were pushed to the limits of a long distance marriage living on opposite sides and it brought us so much closer. We've watched so many friends go through divorces, and I'm thankful Aaron & I have withstood that. Weve had our own trials, but living abroad forces you to work it all out and lean on each other because that's all you have... And I'm thankful for that. We know we can move/live anywhere and be okay & make new friends and that's a wonderful knowledge to have. I've said it more than once, but I'll say it again, we love our military family!!

I'm thankful for all the friends I have made while being a Preemie Mama. I love my preemie mama friends, and a lot of them are very dear to my heart. I've loved the support most of them have given me when others seem to not understand, and I will always be grateful for that. I love watching all of their miracle kids grow up, it's amazing to me. When their kids hit developmental milestones, I'm just as proud of them as my own, because I know how hard those miracle babies worked, they amaze me. Facebook can be hard to get on somedays & I'm constantly wanting to bite someone's head off for being so ignorant about pregnancy & wanting their baby to be born long before term/or before the goal of the amazing 39wks.... But my preemie mama friends understand & my newsfeed is now flooded with all the accomplishments these preemies are making, and THATs wonderful to read everyday. I'm loving all the recent term after preemie births, they bring such happiness and smiles to my face and I'm soo thankful for that. It's such a victory for us preemie moms, and even though I didn't get that victory, seeing them get it makes me soo happy. A big fist pump in the air against prematurity & I love that!

I'm thankful for my readers, for the ones I know & the ones I don't. Having a blog to clear my head is great, and I appreciate the support you all give me!

Most of all though, I'm so thankful that I am happier than I can ever remember being. Despite the chaos and imperfections, I truly love my life and am so extremely thankful for everyone in it.

Blog Therapy

2012-01-10T07:54:00.000+10:00

So this might turn into a long post, because I have a lot on my mind (HA when do I not) and I feel like it needs to be blogged. Blog therapy day it is.

Today was my first appointment with the Neuro-Opthamologist. I had to do a few tests, but that was about it.. my big appointment is next week (rolls eyes that I have to do them a week apart). I was kind of annoyed that I had to drive all the way there 38 miles from my house to the office, with terrible traffic, and I barely got there in time even though I left my house an hr & 15 mins before, JUST for two little tests. SIgh... but it's important right? I had to do this test where you look into this machine, they turn off the lights, one eye is patched, and you have to look at this tiny orange laser in the middle and click this button everytime you see a little white light flash. Not bad right!? Well, it wouldn't have bothered me, but it brought me back to my PRE-E days of flashing lights, and that wasn't very pleasant. Anyway, I got my click on, and when it was done, I asked the tech how'd I do, and she gave me this fake smile & an ERrr. Yeah, that sure made me feel awesome, but at least I knew when I went in that my right eye sucks. Sigh, I will keep you all updated on my eye dr. shenanigans... they said least I will need is definitely glasses, so anyone have any good recommendations? Not too sure how I feel about glasses, Aaron says they are sexy, and while he might be telling the truth, I know he's trying to make me feel better, which is sweet. But hey, I'm happy that if glasses are all I need, I'm okay with that! A saying around our house is "it could be so much worse" and aint that the truth! I'm hoping that is all I will need, and that it will solve my headache issues. The neurologist said that my left eye having to overcompensate so much for my right eye, it could be whats causing me to have such headaches. So bring on the glasses & no more headaches!

As much as I didn't want to go to my appt this morning, I do love an open road. There is just something about an open freeway that is like therapy for the soul. Let me explain. When Libby started convulsing in the backseat on the freeway onramp when she got stung by a scorpion, well that's when I floored it and was so scared for her. Hearing her choking & puking in the backseat, and seeing her convulsing in the rear view mirror, it scared me more than I want to admit, and it was horrible. I was so scared I was going to loose my little girl, and I don't really remember thinking anything but I HAVE to get her to the hospital NOW and I passed cop cars, an ambulance, (which they both showed up at the hospital about 5-10 mins after I did) anyway, NOTHING else mattered but getting her to the hospital, and I had NEVER gone that fast. Well now that it's been a month, and that horror of the onramp, it still remains. However I get on the onramp now though, it's like it has these healing powers, and as soon as I hit the pedal, maybe it's the adrenaline or what, I don't really know. I totally get the "need for speed". I'm not really a speeder, especially after living on two tropical Islands in the last 4 years, but the onramp, I love the onramp.

It's crazy how much a like Libby & Presley are. Sometimes I feel like I'm just doing a repeat of last year, because a lot of the things are the same but not at the same time?! At this time last year, we were worrying about Libby's head growing so fast, and they were worrying about her soft spot bulging every now and then. Turns out it was some random thing she did, and it wasn't "normal" but what was normal for her. Well now Presley's has stared to bulge a lot too, and I just pray that it's the same for Presley. It scares me though, because we got lucky with it not being anything bad with Libby, and I just NEED for Presley's head to be okay. The dr said if it started to get worse or she starts to have more seizures that we need to take her in, and while it's not getting worse, it's not getting better either. I think it's the part where the MRI is looming in the background that has me up late night worrying. Presley still isn't sleeping through the night, but she is getting a little better at sleeping longer. She still wakes up at 1:30-2am for a feed, and falls right back asleep and eats again at 6am. I usually hold her for a few minutes after I feed her, but last night, I held her for much longer. She always wants to be held, but at the same time has sensory issues where she can't handle too much. So kissing, hugging, snuggling, she does NOT like that, and needs her space, it hurts my heart that those things bother her, but she is getting better. So at night when she is sleeping, I hold her close, because she doesn't mind me cuddling her when she is sleeping. Or at least she can't really tell. Well last night, right after I fed her, it seemed like she might have been having another seizure, and started screaming, but then went right back to sleep. It scared me, and I of course found myself being scared to let her sleep. So there I was sitting there in the dark and my heart just breaking really wondering about all the "what ifs" and she smiled at me in her sleep. It's moments like this, that make life worth it. Because sure I'm terrified of the unknown with her, but she has the sweetest soul, and shows me how to be tough. We've noticed on the days where she has more physical activity/ too much stimulation, she has more seizures... which is scary, but maybe all she needs is meds right!? That's what we are hoping for.

Anyway, this morning, I had to fill out a lot of paperwork for my dr appt. I really DESPISE filling out all the med chart stuff, because that's where answers get tricky. Complications, Allergic Reactions, Surgeries, Pregnancy & outcome (this one always tears at me for a few seconds), Family history (oh yeah being adopted that's fun). Anyway, the nurse took my chart and said WOW is this a typo, or did you really have two emergency c-sections in under a year!? She said it with such shock and loud enough for everyone to hear it went silent, and a simple "yep" from me, all she could say again was WOW TWO preemies in under a year. I gave her this look, like SO?! Then she told me that I was a super mom, and I deserve a HUGE pat on the back. She asked "how do you do it, how do you stay so strong" and I chuckled and give the reply I always give.. Day by day, and when it gets crazy, I remember how hard we worked for this, and that's all I need to get me through. The next part blew me away. She got all teary eyed, and said she looked up to me & I gave her hope, as she has been suffering from infertility for 2 years. I smiled, and gave her a quick rundown of my infertility shennanigans, and she told me that she was going to call into work today because she just needed a day off, but that she felt like she needed to be at work for some reason. She said that when I told her my infertility stuff, she knew that reason was ME! I think it is a little cheesy, BUT I believe fully in things like this, and it was cool for me to help someone just by telling my story. God works in such mysterious ways. While I do wish things were easier sometimes, and I stumble here and there with my faith, but having two preemies has REALLY made me lean on my heavenly father. You HAVE to believe, because there just are no other options. You HAVE to believe in the greater good, because life has so many challenges, and without faith, I just don't know where I would be. One of my favorite quotes is "where hope grows, miracles blossom" I have never stopped having hope, and hope/faith has gotten me through, and I FULLY believe that it can get you through anything. I thought a lot about faith and other things on my drive today, and I found it SO fitting that the song by Casting Crowns "Praise you in this storm" came on my ipod JUST at the time I needed to hear it (I had it on shuffle and have thousands of songs so I was impressed). I had to drive by the childrens hospital today, and that song came on, and even though my heart hurt when I saw it, I also felt comfort in knowing that whatever the outcome & if something is wrong, our faith will get us through it. So while this storm is brewing, I'm learning to dance in the rain. My new years resolution was/is to try to "worry less" and while it's REALLY hard right now to not worry, I'm trying. I LOVE this "Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of it's troubles; It empties today of it's strength." and my new favorite quote "Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken.. but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places" So deep, but yet SO true.

She is WALKING!!!

2012-01-09T18:04:00.000+10:00

It's been a pretty quiet but long Monday. Libby has been really snuggly today which these are the days I love. I love them all, but the extra snuggly ones are my favorite :) Aaron has to work late again tonight till about 8, (Friday they had to work till 8 too). Anyway the days he has to work super late, the day always drags on and seems SOO long. Two teething babies, well it makes life interesting that is for sure! The girls are upstairs napping, dinner is cooking in the crockpot (crockpot spaghetti) and I'm sipping a Chai Tea Latte while I take a quick break from cleaning. I've been cleaning/organizing upstairs all day between feeding/playing with my babies, and man I'm tired! I'm about 75% done with decorating their nurseries (a plural nursery on my blog! Who would have thought I'd ever be writing about two nurseries, this is so fun my life is!!) and then I will post pics when I'm done!

I finished Libby's crib rail cover since she is chewing it like a beaver..sigh.. and the last one I made, well she figured out how to move it out of the way. I have a little trickster on my hands! So I doubled the fabric I used (it's hot pink which I LOVE) and I added a 4inch piece of foam to make it padded. I finished it up on Sunday, and I'm pleased to announce IT'S WORKING!!! At least I figured out how to do it this time, and my trial/error is over so that when Presley finally sleeps in her crib (yep, still not in her own room yet, I know bad of Aaron & I... BUT I'm just not ready to move my baby out of our room yet) anyway her crib will stay nice and pretty!!

The COOLEST thing though that I have to blog about today, is DRUMROLL PLEASE...................... At one week shy of 19 months old, my sweet Liberty Grace is WALKING!!!! She has been standing up and walking a few steps and would fall down and that would be it. But a few days ago, I was in Presley's room hanging curtains, and I heard Libby giggling, turned around and she was WALKING in the room!! I was like OMG, and then she turned around, walked all the way out, into her own room, then back out into the loft & gave Presley a toy, then back into Presley's room all the way over to the window, then back out of her room and into the loft again!!!! ALL while only falling twice, but she got back up, stood up like it was nothing and kept going! I was so proud as I stood there in amazement watching her :) SHe's amazing! I felt like an idiot the next day for announcing the huge news on FB though, because of course she took a break and didn't walk for a day. But she has started to walk around more, and it is AWESOME! Today, she stood watching the TV and was dancing to the music on it. It was just so cute watching her dance without holding onto anything :) Seeing her walking like a little drunk person, it makes my heart happy. I've been a big sobbing mess watching her, because I'm just so proud she can finally do it! It use to bother me that she couldn't walk/run around like other kids her age, or way younger kids than her were walking (Ha, I have friends whose kids are almost a whole year younger than her, and they were walking before her! Bet you can guess how that made me feel) anyway, it use to REALLY bother me, but I KNEW it had to happen eventually, and now that she can, I can say it was WELL WORTH THE WAIT!! She's giving me a run for my money, but it's so fun. I don't mind the messes she is making, and how my house instantly got 5 times messier, because I know how special it is she is walking! Perspective, it's awesome :)

Here's a few pics of her walking!

If you look up in the corner you can see the cover on the top of the rail of the crib that I'm talking about, it's pink.

This is one of those better late than never things, but over the weekend, Libby started to actually use her spoon! Finally, we've only been trying to get her to do it for months, but this weekend, she grabbed the spoon and fed herself! First some cottage cheese (which she LOVES) and then tried some rice the next day with her spoon. Today though, she fed herself half a thing of yogurt!! I'm pretty proud of her! Both girls are just SO much fun, and they make me soo happy. I don't understand how some people don't like kids, or don't want them, because they sure do make my life SO rich & fun!

Speaking of milestones, Check out Presley's new trick she is trying to learn!!

She can sit up unassisted for about a minute before she completely gives and topples over... but that is great progress for her! Way to go little mama, you make me SO proud! It makes me a little nervous though to let her try to sit up, because her head is still pretty fragile, and her soft spot really bulges when she does this. Sigh, there's that dang MRI thing again, but at least it's coming soon so we will know if it's just normal for her, or not. She had 4 seizures today that I witnessed, and it's REALLY been stressing me out. I've tried really hard to not think about it, or tried to not worry, but that's damn near impossible when you witness it. Sitting there watching your little baby have a seizure, well it's terrifying. She usually starts SCREAMING after, because I think it scares her, or worse, maybe it's painful (this makes me sick to my stomach to think) so, yeah, I'm feeling a little stressed. I JUST need for her to be okay & need to know she is going to keep being okay. We've had so much CrAzY, it feels like I am always waiting for the ball to drop. At some point, I know life has got to get easier, and it may not seem like it now, but I actually can tell a tiny bit that it is. It's getting a little bit less stressful, and for that I'm grateful.

I saw this on a couple of my friends status's today on FB, and thought it was hilarious. SO true.

Reasons why having a Toddler is like being a Frat Party:

10. There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub.
9. There’s always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner.
8. It’s best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function.
7. You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone’s going to start banging on the door.
6. Probably 80% of the stains on the furniture contain DNA.
5. You’ve got someone in your face at 3 a.m. looking for a drink.
4. There’s definitely going to be a fight.
3. You’re not sure whether anything you’re doing is right, you just hope it won’t get you arrested.
2. There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere.
1. You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there.

RAW Thursday

2012-01-05T09:45:00.000+10:00

It's a RAW thankful Thursday. Long, Raw, and uncut.

So Aaron and I are big movie watchers, and since we've been living overseas the past 4 years, we have quite the TV series collection on DVD too. Anyway, we got the latest season of BONES on dvd, and we just finished the season. At the end of the season, Angela goes into labor, it shows her labor/delivery scene, and she has her baby. They hold him & he is a perfect healthy little boy, and they cry tears of happiness. I'm getting to a point, I wasn't ready to see that scene yet. It was beautiful, (and I've been rooting for A & H even when they weren't together) and my honest raw feelings, it hurt so badly to watch. I loved that they were having a baby and that the baby wasn't blind. But the scene hurt. Deep down in my heart, there is this wound that is healing, but it's sorta like a loss at the same time. A loss of a dream that will never come true. I'm SO blessed, and I KNOW how blessed I am. But, that doesn't mean certain things won't hurt, and it shocked me at how much it hurt to watch that scene. Aaron was so sweet, and said "I know, Brook" and that is ALL I needed. Others don't know what I've been through like he does, and it's a select few that are in this club. A simple 3 words, the complete understanding & love that came from them, I will never forget that. I just wish others were more understanding. It reminds me of one of my favorite songs by Brandi Carlile called The Story. You should listen to it, it's great.

"You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you..."

I hope one day, I will be able to watch a scene like this, and not have it reduce me to tears, and that the pain will heal. Just when I think I am so strong, and doing so well, something so small can take me back to that pain. Our neighbors door recently shattered, and it puts things into a perspective. The glass door had a small crack in it & since it's a custom door, they had to wait a whole year before it could be redone. Well she drove up into the driveway, and it kicked a tiny piece of gravel, but that tiny rock hit just the right spot on the crack, and the glass just shattered. A thick double pane door with a small crack, and that tiny rock had such a huge impact. I've recently been asked to take pictures for a friend that is delivering her baby in a few weeks, and she asked for birth photos. I'm flattered, and I'd like to think I might be ready for that, but in all honesty, it scares me. I'm pretty sure I could hold my composure, and it would be beautiful, but I know it would hurt. I want to for my photography to broaden my portfolio, but I have to protect my heart at the same time if that makes sense.

When I was being admitted when I had severe Pre-E with Libby, there was another woman who had a placental abruption at 24wks. A code white was called, and the top floor was chaotic while they rushed her to an OR. Her baby was rushed to the NICU, and sadly, her sweet tiny baby died during the night. I never knew this woman, as she was a Japanese local, but I felt the grief from all of the staff, and it forever impacted how I would view having a preemie. It was two and half days later when Libby was born, and 24hrs after she was born that the NICU team was coming in to my room to tell me Liberty was fighting hard, and needed to be intubated. They have to read you all these risks of what can happen when intubating, and it's terrifying. I hadn't even seen her in person yet, and didn't get to until she was 28hrs old, but I was terrified wondering if I would be able to see my baby alive, all the while in the back of my head I know downstairs in the morgue is a tiny 24wker that didn't make it. The raw pain of the unknown, it's scary, and I can't explain it. After knowing this woman's preemie didn't make it, it forever scared me, and when I hear about a baby having to be born premature, my heart sinks & sends chills down my spine. Thank heavens for technology being able to keep both my girls alive. That day and half of being kept over in L&D side because it was to risky to move me, I listened to SO many women have their babies, and I just sobbed the whole time. I listened to mother after mother give birth, and heard them say how beautiful their babies were, and being wheeled off to post partum with a baby in their arms, or pushing a baby bassinet. Then fast forward to Presley's traumatic birth, she was worked on & intubated immediately after birth, then my c-section had complications & I heard my blood spilling on the floor & my dr yelling for clamps, and then I was put under. Then the horrible ambulance ride & plane ride being medevac'd to Okinawa. Seeing my baby in this incubator while I laid strapped to a stretcher, that is NOT what I had pictured for the birth of my sweet baby girl. I had pictured so many beautiful moments of what birthing my two precious girls would be like, and those never happened. Traumatized doesn't even begin to describe it. While my girls are for the most part healthy now, I don't know if that part of me will ever be healed completely. I don't know if I will be able to go into a L&D soon, because even though I'm SO happy for my friends and their precious healthy babies, L&D scares the crap out of me. You prepare yourself for the text book- baby on your chest right after delivery, baby in the room, home a few days later.. everything hunky dory. I prepared myself for that, dreamed of this, and what i got was completely opposite. This is why it rocks me so hard to the core. L&D terrifies me.

The amount of insensitive comments I get are insane, but I've gotten so much better at handling them. I'm thankful for that. They still sting, I just think she's the way the lord wanted her to be, after that I realized this, the comments didn't annoy me as much. She is 7 months old, and is the same size at a 3 month old, but in my eyes she is perfect. Her MRI is coming up on the 26th, and while I'm scared, I know she will be okay. A diagnoses means answers, but that's it. It doesn't change how I feel about her, it doesn't change the love we have for her, and even if she does have SWS, that love won't change. There's that raw pain again of the unknown. When I was at the children's hospital with Presley, I saw so many sick children, and it just hurt my heart so badly. Children shouldn't have to suffer, and be sick. The thing I have learned about raw pain though, is that it makes you grow. It shakes you to the core, and you may never be the same, but you grow. My little girls are the best thing that have ever happened to me. They are wonderful, amazing, and teaching me alot of patience. A pure breath of heaven. Most of new parents are anxious, scared, hormonal, exhausted, etc. but when you add the burdens of caring for a baby with medical complications, the stress skyrockets... and those burdens aren't gone for Aaron & I yet. So while some think I'm negative, and honestly sometimes I am (how could you not!?), I'm trying to be as upbeat as possible. I find that a good cry though, is good every once in a while. It was the first time I'd cried in months. Which I'm proud of myself for that, it just goes to show that you can only keep it in for so long before you break. I have become the queen of "faking it till I make it" and I'm making it!! I've done this all med free even after asking for anti-anxiety meds & was turned down, and had to really work through all this on my own. While I don't always voice how I'm feeling completely, only because I've been hurt by doing this before, I've realized it's better in the long run. It's amazing how quick I felt better after having a good cry. You can only be strong for so long, and it's good to break composure sometimes.

"All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you" (part of the song "the story")

I was made to be Libby & Presley's Mama, and I believe 100% that they were made for me. To show me that even through horrible beginnings, can become something so beautiful. I should know this by now, but I guess I keep needing reminders. My start was rough, it sorta makes sense theirs was too. In a wrong way, but it's true. I'm thankful that we made it through all that chaos. These raw moments are the sort of memories that aren’t fun to dredge up. But they’re real. And they’re part of who I am. I was told today, "how horrible to have two horrible birth stories and that's all you'll ever know." This really struck a nerve with me... I get sad when I’m with a group of moms (online or in real life), and the conversation turns to a competition. Whether it’s who had the best birth story or whose baby is sleeping best, whose toddler is the most advanced or whose preschooler has been admitted to Harvard, moms start tearing each other down. And it’s so sad. Motherhood is hard from conception on, and no one understands better than another mom. We need to support each other more. I'm thankful to know just how hard developmental milestones can be to achieve. I'm thankful to be humbled. I've cried so many tears because my kids struggle, but at the end of my tears, I know it will be okay. What makes a perfect birth story? My birth stories, they aren't your typical stories, and I've been told by quite a few that my two birth stories make others not want to have a baby. This makes me sad, because while it was scary, these "stories" brought me my two miracle baby girls. I don't want my girls to look back on their birth stories and be sad, because their birth stories are stories of triumph. They are living proof that miracles happen. When they ask, I will tell them while it was rough, it was a perfect birth story, because it brought me them. It was perfect because it was a miracle. The end result of a having a baby is what is important, not how they got here. My miracle baby girls are here, they are thriving for the most part, and THAT is all that matters. What else could I ask for? That's a pretty fabulous outcome if you ask me :)Before I had both my preemies, having a c-section was my worst fear. I was SO afraid of L&D (now I know why) but I was also terrified of pushing out a 9lb baby. Aaron was almost 10 lbs, so I figured I would have a big baby. How very silly & naive I was back then! I have never been so scared or been in so much pain as I was with both births, and so scared we were going to loose them. I believe we do ourselves and other women great harm by perpetuating the myth of the “perfect birth”. We really need to stop being so hard on ourselves. It is most certainly not what I would have chosen, but I am totally at peace that it is part of my story. They are happy and for the most part healthy.. and THAT is what makes it a perfect birth story.

I myself am adopted, and don't even know "MY birth story" so I was determined to have this great story for my girls. I feel I can say with some authority that adopted children love and connect with their parents EXACTLY the same as biological children. My mother used to hold me close and tell me that she never got to feel me growing inside her, but she could feel me growing OUTSIDE her tummy! I'm thankful for my adoptive Mom, and all she has done for me, which is more than I could have ever asked for. She brings me so much perspective, and is so humble. She has helped me see that it doesn't matter how a birth story is, but that all that is important is the child is here. I'm thankful I got to feel both my girls move, that I brought two miracles to life. I'm thankful that I got to watch them grow outside of my belly, and see miraculous changes while they were still in the NICU. To see a baby get eyelashes, to see eyebrows come in, to watch them learn to suck, learn how to breathe, and miraculously grow from something so very tiny. Miraculous doesn't even begin to describe it. Presley just turned 7 months today, and Libby 18 1/2 months, and the miracle that they are here and home with me, that is all I need for it to have been a perfect birth story. So with that, I'm thankful for TWO birth stories, perfect because they are perfect in God's eyes and mine. The perfect birth story? That my girls were birthed at all, they lived even with incredible obstacles, and that they are loved:) My birth stories may not seem like perfect birth stories to most, but they are perfect to me, because they gave me my sweet girls.

Last day of Vacation.

2012-01-02T18:49:00.000+10:00

Well, today was the last day of Christmas Vacation that Aaron had off of work. He goes back tomorrow, and us girls will miss him a lot! We sure did enjoy having him home to hang out with! I love watching Aaron with our girls, he is so amazing with them. My love for him grows each day for countless reasons, but it grows even more when I watch him with Libby & Presley. They sure do love him, and I know he would do anything for them.

Libby is starting to eat a little more (YAY!) The past two days, she has come up to me, tugged on my jeans saying mama, & then will start sucking her thumb. Sucking her thumb is Libby's trademark, we know she only does this when she is A) Hungry, or B)tired. So tonight when she came up to me while I was cooking spaghetti for dinner and tugged on my jeans, & then the thumb, I was a little confused as to if she was hungry or not since Aaron had fed her a bottle an hour ago? But then I asked if she was hungry, and she signed MILK! I was like YES she signed, it's a first :) So I made her a quick 4oz bottle, and sure enough, she had it all!!! Then she wanted to help me make dinner, and ate a whole toddler sized bowl of spaghetti too!! Libby sure does love spaghetti, and kept saying mmmmmmmmmmm, and good good good :)

After dinner, she was covered in spaghetti sauce. From her ears, to all over her face, to her armpits even. She was wearing a white shirt, and I'm just glad my OCD self thought to take it off before we strapped her into her high chair! Man is she a messy eater, but key word in there is eater, and she ate a lot!! Libby LOVES to take baths in our master bathroom, the tub is huge, and she just loves it. It gives me anxiety because she is so small, and likes to stand up and walk the sides of it, and it's an easy slip hazard for her. I usually take baths with her, because she will play longer, and it's just habit from when I was pregnant with Presley, and bending over the tile tub in our house in Guam was not fun.. so I just got use to taking them with her. This evening though, I decided to just fill it up for her, and filled it with bubbles. Which was a BIG hit, she LOVED them. hehehe, classic Libby face here. Her expressions are priceless :)

One of my favorite things, is after bath time, we dry her hair, and it's always SO curly. Aaron said tonight he thinks its safe to say that She has inherited my natural curly hair. I think he is right, and I love her curls! I just wish they stayed that curly all day long. Her hair is getting curlier as it gets longer I have noticed. So cute!

One of my fav pics from today, was the one below. Aaron was putting Libby to bed, and I was going to turn off the bathroom light, when a line of animals caught my eye. Libby did this ALL on her own. Aaron & I stood there baffled, and amazed that she aligned them all in a row in the same direction even! Neither of us has ever lined them up like that, so it's all her. She is so smart. I know I say this all the time, but even though they have their developmental delays in gross motor skills, BOTH Libby & Presley are SMART as can be. They amaze me, and are always teaching me things. Today Libby kept trying to say "apple" (she loves apples by the way) but then would get so proud of herself that she was so close to saying it that she would draw out the E on the end and start laughing. So it would end up being Aaaaappleeeeeeeeeeeeee heeehheeee hee :) She cracks me up. She has such a bubbly personality, and always has a way of brightening my day.

HaPpY NeW YeAr!!!

2012-01-01T16:35:00.000+10:00

WOOOO It's 2012!! YAY for a NEW year with hopefully less medical craziness than last year right?! One can only hope, and I'm hoping hard! We started the first day out a little crazy. Went to bed pretty late since the girls did not want to go to bed, and then A & I spent some good quality time renting a movie off of Zune (I LOVE Zune! I love being able to rent a movie right off his 360, it's genius!) Anyway, we started that, Rang in the New Year with a wonderful Kiss (I remember when we started the movie again that I was the Luckiest girl in the world to be kissing Aaron at Midnight, I NEVER want to stop feeling that way), movie ended and we headed to bed. Just as I dozed off, I heard this sound downstairs that sounded like a dish falling and breaking, so I shook Aaron awake and he grabbed his gun, and headed downstairs. It ended up being nothing, maybe something in the dishwasher (THANK HEAVENS!!) but woah it was crazy. I being an idiot, go to check on Libby down the hall and then mid checking I realize that if A comes back up while I'm headed back to our room, he might shoot me. Hahaha, so yeah, note to self, just stay in bed & wait. Turns out the neighbor's glass door broke & is boarded was boarded up this morning, so that must have been what we heard. ANYWAY, the rest of our day was bliss spending it with my 3 loves.

Libby was on one today, and it's FOR SURE that the terrible two's have definitely shown up early (darn them!) Check out her tantrum throwing skills, she's getting pretty dramatic!

It was SUCH a nice day out. A beautiful high of 78 in Arizona today, with perfect blue skies. We hung out in our backyard for quite a bit today. Presley & Libby both love being outside, it calms them down, and tires them out all at the same time if that makes sense. It was pretty bright outside, and Libby was prepared, she brought her sunglasses :)

She even decided to share them with Presley, which Presley LOVED them.

The glasses make Presley look so smart, I don't know what it is about her, but whenever I look into her eyes, they are just so knowing and wise, and they have this smart look about them. Much more so with the glasses, she may be delayed, but I'm sure she is a genius.

Can't forget to throw in a pic with her and her plotting hands :) She is ALWAYS holding them. Sister just loves her hands. I think she is starting to teeth, because she is trying to chew on them more. Drool is becoming a factor too, but no way near as much as Libby did.

I was hoping that Libby would be running around everywhere driving us crazy and running from one place to another by the new year.... yeah, not so much. Still not walking. She knows how, she would just rather crawl? She can walk about 13 steps and then she drops to the ground. I haven't seen her take 13 steps since about two weeks ago, but I KNOW it's close. Just yesterday she was standing at Presley's swing, and all of a sudden turned and walked 7 steps to the ottoman. Aaron & I were like OMG NO WAY!!! So, since she is doing it without us prompting her, I'm sure it's close. Maybe by her 19 month birthday? We can only hope right? SHe has to walk eventually. In the meantime, she loves to practice with one hand!

She has loved having her Daddy home during the day to hang out with outside before it gets dark. Today Aaron tried teaching her how to golf. It was SO cute to watch them together. When Aaron would help her hit the ball with her itty bitty golf club, she would squeal with joy, get this huge smile on her face, and say YAYYYYYY! So cute.

Standing up ALL by herself!!! Yeah, Go Libby!

Aaron will carry her around outside, and walk around with her, and explore, and Libby LOVES it. Her newest obsession lately, is LEAVES. We tell her they are leaves, and she calls them "eeeees" :)

And one of my favorites, she LOVES her Daddy!

Her eyes always amaze me. I get asked time and time again if I edit them, change their color, sharpen them, and I'm pleased to answer, No :) I do a basic quick edit of my photos overall, but I'm not a fan of too much post processing, and like the more natural look... But with their eyes, I think they are already perfect in every way, and I have no desire to change them. I'm proud to say that's pretty much the only feature my girls get from me, is my blue eyes... the rest of their good looks, they get from their handsome daddy! Look how gorgeous Libby's eyes are:

I'm thinking of doing a 52 week photography challenge, but am also looking into doing one that's a 12 for 2012, so I guess we will see what I end up doing. I'd love to do a 366 (leap year this year!) but I don't want to get too cRaZy with all my other goals for this new year... so a weekly might be best :) This was one of my favorite shots from today, I LOVE baby jellies. Libby has so many jelly shoes, and Presley even has some she has yet to wear too! There is just something about baby jellies that make me happy, that or the chubby little baby feet that go in them :)

2011 was a CrAzY year, a lot of stressful things, but filled with TOO much medical crazyness, too many ER visits, BUT it brought me my beautiful miracle baby girl, Presley, who makes our family complete. We also watched Libby grow from a little baby to an amazing little toddler. Kinda makes me sad she isn't my baby anymore because she is growing up so fast, but happy too because she is growing up so wonderfully. So with that, I'm closing out 2011 feeling SUPER blessed, and humbled, and welcoming 2012 with open arms and more than happy that I get to do another year in this crazy life spending it with the ones I love most. I wish you all a great New Year filled with Love & Happiness!

Thankful Thursday :)

2011-12-29T20:29:00.000+10:00

It's ThAnKfUl ThUrSdAy!!!
My heart really overflows with gratitude daily, and it's things like this that mean SO much to me. Sure it's just a coat rack with 4 jackets hanging, BUT to me, it's sweet. It makes me smile every time I come down the stairs and around the corner to the kitchen and see this view. To see Aaron's jacket, and then Presley's, Libby's, & mine... well it makes my heart sing. Those two tiny jackets in between our jackets, it's a beautiful thing! FAMILY is everything to me, and I'm thankful for my little family! I'm also thankful for those jackets that have little teddy bear ears, and lady bug antennas :) Makes life fun that's for sure!

This past weekend/week, we have all been sick with a nasty cold. Turns out BOTH Libby & Presley have RSV. Darn you RSV, I told you to STAY AWAY from my girls!! Presley even gets the synagis shots every month, but somehow she still got it. SIgh. I ended up taking her to the Urgent Care on Wednesday, then they sent us over to Phoenix Childrens Hospital immediately, because Presley was satting at 86, and they were REALLY worried about her since she brady'd while the doctor & both fed her at Urgent Care. Sure enough, RSV it was. Luckily though, Presley is SO tough, and she didn't have to be admitted. They gave her a breathing treatment, and suctioned her poor stuffed up little nose, and we got her to eat a 2oz bottle of pedialite (turns out sister LOVES grape lol) and she didn't brady while we fed her, and quickly after that her stats started to get MUCH better. She was finally satting at 94-97 and the dr said we could take her home as long as we kept an extra close watch on her (DUH! like we don't already) They said we caught it super fast though, and thanks to my awesome mom instincts, we didn't let it get out of hand :) Always nice to hear when people think I'm a great mom, because I sure do try! I felt super horrible that I thought about taking her in at 3am Wednesday morning, but didn't because her breathing wasn't rapid & she wasn't having retractions... but come 10am she was.. Sigh, she was smiling though so I figured if she was smiling, she was okay. HAha yeah right, when I got to PCH, the doctors were amazed at how she could be so smiley but be so sick. She'd choke on a feed, brady, and then smile when it was all over with. Silly girl! It's nice that she can be smiley, but she has been pretty cranky too. The thing that is most worrisome is that she can appear to be okay since she is smiley, but can be sick sick at the same time, she hides it well. That scares me. She's the only kid I know that can be pretty sick and still be super smiley. They were amazed at how well her lungs sounded even when she was sating at 86, said she is one tough baby :) then the dr said "it's a preemie thing" and I just had to smile, because every preemie I know is rock solid tough too :)

Here are some pics on Tuesday, she is on day two of RSV here & not looking sick at all:

LOL

I wrote last week how thankful I was for all the little finger holding moments and how they make my heart melt... well I finally remembered to get a pic of her doing it recently :)

I'm thankful for baby toes too. Oh how I loveeeeeeeeeee baby toes! Presley's feet are TINY, and I just love them! Libby likes to tickle them and make Presley giggle, which is the sweetest thing to watch.

I'm thankful to be able to cherish all the little things, and for the knowledge on just how important the little things are. I always want to be able to remember all the tiny things about my girls that make them special, beautiful, and unique. I LOVE Libby's eyelashes, they are so perfect, and so long. Definitely did NOT get that from me lol. I'm jealous, I wish mine looked like that! I love her chubby little cheeks, and I am thankful that I get to kiss them whenever I want. I'm thankful for all the kisses she gives me. She will be playing, and just out of the blue will stop what she is doing, just to come over and give me a kiss. It's precious. She has recently learned how to blow kisses, and it's so sweet. She blows kisses to me when I put her down for a nap, or bedtime, and it melts my heart. How we got so lucky to have such a sweet girl, I just don't know.

I'm thankful for Pandora, for music. It makes me happy. I'm LOVING pinterest lately, and have been making SO much stuff from all the ideas I've been getting! I'm thankful to have some sewing skills. Today I made pink curtains for the girls' rooms, and they are SO cute! Libby saw them and said YAYYYYYYY :) I also made a crib rail cover, because Libby thinks she is a beaver and needs to chew the crap out of her crib?! So I made some padded pink covers, and I'm hoping this works! It sure can't taste good, so I have no clue why she chews on her crib? Yuck! I bought fabric to make some cute baby shoes, some dresses, some pajamas out of the SOFTEST fabric I've ever felt... and I'm currently working on a quite book for Libby too. I'm thankful to have some crafting skills, and am having fun making all this cute stuff!

I'm SUPER thankful to have Aaron home for a few days off this week, it's been SO fun! The girls are loving having their daddy home, and are having a blast playing with him! It's been really nice, and I always love when he gets some days off!

Merry Christmas!!

2011-12-26T19:01:00.000+10:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS :)

We had an amazing Christmas! It was wonderful having ALL 4 family members home together, as it should be during the holidays! Seeing the wonder, the excitement, and the awe on Libby's face this year was truly wonderful. I LOVED every single second of it. In fact, on Christmas Eve, Aaron and I could hardly wait till morning for Libby to come down and see her new kitchen that I spent HOURS on, and to see all the fun stuff we got her! I was excited for Presley too, but since she is almost 7 months old, but pretty much acts like a 3 month old, well we weren't expecting her to understand any of it... but to my amazement and delight, when we gave her first doll to her, she LOVED it, smiled the famous ginormous Presley smile, and held on to it for dear life. It was SO sweet.

We made Libby a Kitchen and she LOVES LOVES LOVEEEEES it! I got the idea for the kitchen on Pinterest, and looked high & low for an entertainment center, but all the ones we found were either REALLY dirty, way to over priced, or smelled horribly of smoke (which is a NO GO with preemies).. so I didn't think it was going to happen. But then we ended up getting a killer deal on the little kitchen from target (circo kitchen to be exact) & then we added another cabinet to the side to make the fridge. Then sanded, primed, and painted a dark purple (which dark purple is a HARD color to paint! It took SO many coats of paint!) All the extra knobs/hooks came from lowes. It was a lot of fun picking out fabric & putting it all together! Definitely worth the hard work & time, because Liberty LOVES it :) Santa also brought her a huge thing of fake food for her kitchen (which she cooks in ALL day and tries to feed us her fake food all day long lol). A Mrs. Potato head, a Stella doll which she LOVES, she loves to point out it's belly button! A picnic basket & teacup set that interacts with her, she loves that. Clothes, a new toothbrush which she let out this huge YAY over, it was so cute! Her cousin Katie got her a build-a-bear gingerbread girl, and she LOVES it. ( THANK YOU AMY & Katie, what a thoughtful gift, and she loves it!) We got her this little etch a sketch, and a doodle pad thingy, and she loves those too. She is SO into exploring/learning that those kind of things she just can't put down.

Christmas was SO much fun with her this year, and I'm not going to lie, I am SO excited for the Christmas's to come. Because as much fun as I thought this one was, well I know it's just going to get better & better every year! Next year should be WAY fun with both the girls being a little older, I can't wait :) Most of all though, it was just a humbling day for me. Not because of the gifts, but because the feelings I had, remembering the true meaning of Christmas and I just felt SO grateful for everything. I'm SO happy Aaron was home with us this year, he was gone Christmas before last on his deployment to Afghanistan, so every Christmas we get to spend with him home, I cherish. He's most likely cross training into a job where he will deploy a lot more, so I'm just thankful for the holidays we get with him! It was a humbling Christmas for me, because last Christmas night, I spent the night in the ER in Guam, being told I was miscarrying Presley since I was bleeding. A lot can change in a year :) and I am just so thankful she stuck around and is a part of our family. She made our family complete, and I'm just so grateful to have TWO baby girls. I'm grateful we were able to spoil our little angels, and for being able to have the nice delicious home cooked meal we had too. I made a Roasted Chicken (in my deep covered baker) complete with yummy mashed potatoes, green beans, gravy, & delicious dessert. We sure are blessed! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, we sure did, even if we all were sick :)

Here are just a few of the MANY many pictures I took :) Enjoy!

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-22T07:08:00.000+10:00

There are lots of nights where I lay in bed for hours waiting for my brain to shut off so I can sleep. It seems like just as I get to sleep, Presley is awake. Must be that baby radar where they "know" you're about to sleep. Anyway, this leads to me having lots of time to think. Which isn't always bad, but isn't necessarily always good either. Ive spent countless hours worrying, about WAY too many things I can't change. Last night was no different.

Sometimes life gets so crazy and it's easy to get caught up in all the trials and really forget to sit back and think about all the blessings we have. Aaron jokes about my love for pinterest, but I keep seeing this quote, about thanking God for the things we have today, and it always helps for me to keep things in perspective. So I'm going to start a trend with myself/and my blog on focusing more on the good :) I think of the little things ALL the time, but I don't voice it as often as I should. So I'm going to do a "thankful Thursday" where every week I will at least once write down all the new little things I'm grateful for.... I'd love for it to be everyday, but that might be a little too overzealous for me lol. Some of the things that are most on my mind lately, but I know I'm forgetting A LOT, hence having thankful Thursday every week :

I'm SO thankful for my girls. They are my whole world & I wake up EVERY SINGLE DAY just feeling so blessed to be their mama. I was born to be a mom, and I'm so glad A & I kept trying. We all know I could write about my lovely girls till my fingers ache so bad they'd just fall off, because I'm just that grateful they are mine. It's still so surreal to me that A&I have two babies, and that we had two in under a year. I'm having SOoo much fun with them and I truly feel that everyday gets better and even more fun than the last. A lot of people think that because I had two preemies, that I'm ungrateful for all the blessings that I have and I'm "jealous" of what I missed out on in the whole Term Birth experience. But the truth is, I don't feel like I'm missing out, sure it's hard & there are days where I see both my girls struggling, the delays, the unknown with Presley, and wonder WHY them, WHY can't it be easier... BUT those doubtful moments, they don't last long. I remember how HARD Aaron & I worked for them, and the blessings FAR out weigh the hardships. I'm honestly just THANKFUL that I'm even a Mom. With my struggle with infertility/loss, I felt like that might never happen, so now that I have TWO, I'm just blown away they are mine. It about knocks me to my knees to look down the hall and see a crib in each room. Sure it didn't happen the way I had planned, but they are MORE than I have ever dreamed of, and the hardships just make me that much more grateful. I've made friendships that I never would have, had my girls not been born preterm. I've LEARNED SO much. I'm still learning mama-things, and Lord knows I'm definitely not perfect (far from it), but I have learned so many life lessons being a Mom of two preemies, that I might have not learned otherwise, and that I'm thankful for. So, as weird as this sounds, I'm grateful for my trials. I don't necessarily feel like its fair all the hard things I've been through, but they have made me strong. Stronger than I ever thought I could be. I know that no matter what happens, I have faith that it will get better... and it always does. Tough times don't last, tough people do :) Just because it's hard, doesn't mean that I'm bitter. I'm not. I admit I use to be, and sometimes my heart gets heavy when thinking about everything, but I've arrived to a new place in my life that I have accepted it, and I'm moving on. Could have been/ Should have been... well it's all worked itself out, and in the end, I won. Life isn't about all the big moments, it's about all the little things, THOSE are what make the big things. I have SO SO many little things to be thankful for, (I have big things too) so I feel like my life has hit a jackpot :) I feel SO lucky to have my girls, my health, my hubby & the close relationship we have, so all those little hangups in between, they don't mean much to me anymore, because I have what counts!

My little Libby Lou who, with her curls and those beautiful sparkly baby blues that just dance when she smiles & laughs. That smile of hers, that laugh that just warms my soul even on the darkest days. She makes my heart sing. Watching life through her eyes is incredible and she teaches me probably more than I teach her. I love how everything is humorous to her. Like last night, it was super late & she had a nightmare so I brought her into bed with me. She laid right down next to me and somehow we ended up both getting the hiccups at the same time and she'd laugh hysterically every time we'd hiccup. this went on for a good 15 mins. It was late & I was so tired, but those full belly laughs made every single second worth it. It's those moments I will always remember, those moments that I cherish. She is always so giggly, and I love it. I'm thankful for every second I get with her, because I know how precious every second is. Even if she is throwing a ginormous tantrum, that reminds me she is developing the way she is suppose to lol, and I'm thankful for those milestones.

I'm thankful for my precious Presley. She makes my life complete. She is not an easy baby by any means, and screams/cries 90% of the day, but that colicky time she makes up for with the most precious smiles. Those scarce smiley cooing times of the day, they make every single second of her crazy tyrants worth it. I'm thankful for the knowledge that she won't always be this unhappy with reflux, it will get better eventually. Sister sure does know how to pitch a super fit, but she knows how to put on the charm too with that full open mouthed ear to ear smile that will leave you melting. Those pristine sharp blue eyes, they are so beautiful, but wise too. She reminds me of an old soul, like I've known her before, and I swear sometimes I've even caught her winking at me. She just has this way about her where she knows, she is just wise. I see her sitting there with those little plotting hands, and that serious look on her face, and I just have to smile. She is going to give me a run for my money I'm sure. She has these rosey cheeks that are so soft, and I can't resist kissing them. Im thankful for all the times I hold her when she sleeps, and her little hands grip my finger. It's one of those perspective things, where something so small can take up all the room in your heart. I look at Presley, and see perfection. I know she is delayed & may have neurological & hearing issues, but that's not what I see when I look at her. It doesn't make me love her less, but maybe more. I don't mind the crazy/ or the hard, or the trials, because it's not what defines her or my love for her.

I'm thankful for my Hubby. He truly is my best friend. Sometimes we argue, but marriage is work, and I understand what my mom said about having to work everyday. It's work I don't mind though, and I love what our relationship has grown into. Most of all though, I'm just thankful to be married to my best friend, to have someone to share everything with. I'm thankful for our almost 6yrs of marriage, and looking forward to eternity. I'm thankful for the gospel and knowing what that really means. It's a great feeling & I'm so thankful to him for giving me our precious girls. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, and I couldn't really think of anything, because he has already given me SO much. He provides a wonderful roof over our head, delicious food on our table, and a snuggly warm bed at night. That's a lot more than a lot of people have, and all the extras he provides, I'm so grateful. I'm thankful he is such a hard worker, and is so good at his job. Not only that, but that he is a trust worthy worker, and that people can count on him. That's an honorable thing, and I'm very appreciative of what a great solid hard worker he is. His work ethic is amazing & is a much desired thing. His boss's have always had great things to say about him, and I'm thankful for that. Thankful I don't have to worry about him doing something stupid and loosing his job. We've seen a lot of stupid things done where people lost their jobs in the military, and LOTS of people kicked out, and he has never been apart of that, and I'm proud of him. I'm thankful that he is so selfless that he would gladly deploy again. While I don't really want him to deploy, it's honorable that he wants to, and loves defending his country, and I love that about him. I love watching him with our girls, and how he treats them solidifies my love for him daily. He loves his girls, and his girls adore him :) I love that I still get butterflies, I still think he is SO handsome, and I'm always wondering how I got so lucky to have him as my husband, and the life that we have together with our two girls. Blessed, very blessed.

I love how both girls rub my arm while taking a bottle. I love when Presley grabs so tightly to my finger, it takes me back to the NICU days where we couldn't hold them, and the first time touching both of them for the first time, was that precious finger clutch. It has SO much meaning and love behind it, and it makes my heart just overflow with gratitude everytime they do it. I love the arms wrapped around my neck, and kisses Libby gives me, talk about being blessed. I LOVE being a Mom. I love Libby's imagination these days, she sure is fun! I'm thankful for little tea sets, pretend food, and pretend kitchens.. they provide TONS of hours of fun for her, and for me too. I love just sitting back and watching her play. I'm thankful for my camera, it's been so good to me these last 6 years, and I'm thankful for all the memories I have been able to capture. My pictures I cherish, and I'm SO glad to have them all. I have thousands of pictures, but I know when each of them were taken, and I love every one. I love the stories behind them, and they make me happy. I'm thankful to be able to be getting a new camera, because my trusty D40 is starting to have issues from all the use/abuse I have put it through. I'm thankful for technology and how far it's come. Thankful that I can preserve all my memories on a huge hard drive, and not just huge stacks of photos.

I'm thankful for ServePro. They were able to salvage a lot of our household goods, and while some of the stuff I will never get back, they were able to preserve a lot. Sure it's just things, but they are MY things lol. I'm thankful for my nice bed... new mattress, but a good sturdy bed is doing wonders for my back, sleeping on the floor was not fun. I LOVE my kitchen aide mixer, it sure is awesome. I LOVE my crockpot, and how it always makes me feel accomplished when Aaron walks through the door from working all day & I have this great meal ready to eat! I like the feeling that I slaved away all day cooking, but I didn't :) Crockpot is awesome. I'm also thankful for my morning coffee, how I would get through the day without it I just don't know. I love the thoughts that come to me while I'm sitting on the porch in the morning, enjoying the quite and the beauty outside. However, it's been pretty cold outside (makes me miss the tropical weather) so I've been sitting at the table sipping while on Pinterest. I'm thankful for pinterest, who ever thought of it was genius. I love all the ideas it has, and I have made SO much off of there, and I love it! I love the recipes, and I'm afraid I'm not loosing weight as fast as I'd hoped because, well pinterest recipes aren't helping.

I'm THANKFUL for a lot more, but mostly, I'm thankful for all the blessings I have been given, and thankful to my wonderful Heavenly Father whose love never waivers on me. I'm thankful for faith, and that I know that faith & hope can get you through anything. The faith that everything is going to be alright, maybe not all at once, maybe not today, but eventually, and that is what keeps me going. I love the quote "Someday everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason." Here's to laughing and smiling, because it truly is the best medicine :)

How Infertility has changed ME

2011-12-10T00:00:00.000+10:00

A lot of you have followed my blog and ME personally through the 4 and half years that Aaron & I spent TTC, our heartbreaking losses, and FINALLY bringing our sweet Liberty Grace into the world and then miraculously our sweet tiny Presley too. I have been through SO much in the last 6 years, and I have come to realize when to pick my battles. When it's okay to let things go, and when to stand up for things I think deserve standing up for. I know that I'm not always the nicest person and sometimes I too brutally honest that it gets me into trouble and people get their feelings hurt. Let me try to explain how Infertility, Miscarriages, and Having not one but TWO Preemies has changed my life completely.

No matter how many times I took my temperature, penciled sex in on my day planner and my husband & I had timed love making where we would try for that long week and would be so emotionally exhausted and sexually burnt out , or visited the fertility specialist, I still couldn't get pregnant, and then when I would FINALLY get pregnant, I'd only make it 10-11 wks and then my pregnancy was over. Then would start this vicious cycle over and over again on TTC for months and months and months which then turned into years and years and years. Until you go through something like this, you just can't understand. This is a sad fact I have come to realize & it's not like you want people to go through this tragic cycle of loss and infertility just for them to understand, but at the same time, that is the only way to truly understand. So then I felt like I walked alone for a LONG time. It's a sad, hard walk when you walk the infertility road alone. When you throw in loss, it's even more heartbreaking, and my one dream of being a mother seemed impossible.

Aaron & I were actually told we only had 1-3% chance of having a baby. We did fertility treatments, I took hormonal medicine, bought so many pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor kits that I should have invested stock in them, I paid yearly subscriptions to fertility tracking website, saw many different specialists, had painful procedures done and spent tons of money on fertility treatments that didn't even yield a pregnancy, did anything and everything to have a baby, and went through month after month, year after year of seeing that negative line on pregnancy tests and then crying my eyes out everytime my period started. This may not sound like that hard of a time to some people, but it was devestating for me. I wanted nothing more to feel a baby kick inside me, to know a mothers love, and to bring a miracle to life.. and for YEARS that seemed like it would never happen. I had many many friendships end over this hard time in my life, because a lot of my friends/family thought I was jealous of them/or couldn't be happy for them. This was never the case, I was ALWAYS happy for my friends/family, but that didn't mean deep down my heart was breaking. So while I was going through this hard time where EVERYONE was getting pregnant, having babies, some even had 3 in the time we were trying to have 1... I was made to feel like being sad was unnaceptable. That I didn't have a right to be upset, and that I was being jealous and selfish to not want to hear about their pregnancy every day. I remember making a few blogs about it back in the day and getting SLAMMED for it. I will admit, that while this was my own battle to face, I was made to feel like a lot of the time I had to face it alone, and that no one really wanted to know how I was feeling. I did have some great friends, but I lost a LOT of friends because they just couldn't understand. For me, everytime I saw a negative test, and then logged on to FB or went to church, or picked up my phone, or went anywhere, someone else was getting their positive pregnancy test, and everyone was pregnant and having babies. Even the doctors could not figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant, because I had PERFECT cycles.

It was hard for me, because I had such perfect cycles, I couldn't understand why I couldn't have a baby, when others that could. Sure I should have never thought who deserved it more than I did, but it was esepecially hard for me because my biological mother had 7 kids with NO issues... so I refused to believe that this was it for me. I have always known in my heart that I was meant to be a Mother, and not being able to be one was so hard. Heartbreaking hard, and it put HUGE strains on my marriage. Infertility has a way of putting this doubt in every little crack of your being, and really makes you question everything. Infertility made me feel less than a woman, unworthy and defective. Infertility has cemented my feeling of being defective. I use to wonder if God thought I didn't deserve a baby, why my womb wasn't good enough for a baby. What was I doing wrong? I'm very Type A, so controlling everything and NONE of it working was HARD. Then you throw in two premature births where my body failed me and man thats a whole lot of feeling very defective. I always felt like I was carrying around a weight around my neck/heart... and I felt like I couldn't be honest with people because either A) they didn't really want to know the truth or B) it was too harsh and it would be offensive. I felt and still sometimes feel like less of a woman because I can't do what women are supposed to be able to do. I hated treating Aaron as a sperm dispenser, but if we missed the schedule we might miss a baby.I'm still bitter at people sometimes. Women that get pregnant really easily that are unfit to be mothers still make me very angry. It's a tough pill to swallow that they get everything for free (pregnancy, doctor visits, delivery, etc.) that's costing us tens of thousands of dollars.. just for them to treat their children like crap and abuse them. For obvious reasons the parents that have kids and abuse them really rubs a wrong spot with me. It hurts. Being abused the first years of my life and watching my brother be murdered, it was rough, and to have gone through ALL of that to feel like I came out on top and then just to turn around and go through infertility/preemie issues, it was HARD. SO HARD. I've learned things that I wish I never had to know. I never got to be that naïve pregnant girl who never had to worry, got to eat what she wanted, got to complain about stupid random things because she just didn't know better, and then have a take home baby that she got to hold right after birth... I never got that, I never will.. so THIS is why it's still hard for me to listen to people complain. I was SICK sick during pregnancy, puking ALL day everyday, had SO many IV's that I look like a druggie with track marks on my arms, have scars all over my hands from blown out veins and most of my viens are shot. With my recent blood patch, I had to be poked 11 times before they could get a vein that didn't blow. I've come to think that instead of my body and I getting along in any way, we are constantly at war and I am on the losing end. I'm pretty sure my body hates me, and well the feeling is starting to be mutual. And the saddest part, is sometimes I have thought I've lost myself completely... I didn't know the woman I saw in the mirror. This person that was stricken with pain, bitterness, heartache, sadness... THIS wasn't ME! But then it was, this was the new me & no one understood me. The me that I hated but that infertility/ pregnancy loss had changed me to be, and I couldn't ever go back from that. Even now that I'm on a different path from infertility, I still hold scars in my heart from that time. Wounds that run deep. I once was told “be proud of your scars, they prove you Won!” I did win, I won the best gifts I could have ever asked for. My two girls, they were worth EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of this hard journey!

It's easy to focus on all of the negative ways infertility/having a preemie has changed me, but it has done a few good things... Aaron and I are so much closer and stronger both individually and as a couple. I'm so confident we'll make it through anything & we have.We survived years of infertility, and we came out on top, even with two premature births in under a year! I know how special a child really is. If I didn't go through infertility/premature births I don't think I would appreciate a baby. Or as much as I now look forward to a crying baby in the night and poopy diapers instead of complain.. I have more of an empathetic viewpoint. Even when it's not infertility/preemie related that somebody's going through, I feel like it's easier for me to understand people. Many people treated my infertility like a joke or that it was no big deal. Now if somebody I know is facing something that is major to them, I don't just blow it off. I offer support where I can, because everyone is fighting their own personal battle. I am thankful for realizing how important it is to listen to others and never judge. As hard as this journey was for me, I am proud to wear this infertility badge because I BEAT it. One of my most proud moments of being a Mama, had to have been this last July when we walked out of the NICU with our 2nd preemie, my miracle 29wker Presley, and she was graduating from the NICU. It was like a giant fist pump in the air to infertility, because I beat it & WON. I won BIG. This sounds lame, but infertility is like a cancer to your heart, emotionally the scars can be just as deep, and I hate that infertility has to be a silent issue that we have to deal with/ suffer quietly. We shouldn't let it be something that is a disgrace especially when one in eight of us suffer with some form of infertility, it should be something that we can share and learn and teach others about. So the next time someone feels uncomfortable talking about pregnancy with you, or you think that someone doesn't care/doesn't want to hear about your pregnancy, or is “jealous of you because you are pregnant and they aren't” Please PLEASE please, remember my story, and realize that maybe in fact they aren't jealous... just fighting their own battle, and it's HARD. It doesn't mean they aren't happy for you, because they are. I can be over the moon excited for someone, but at the same time feel like my heart is breaking at the same time. Even now with being a Preemie Mama of TWO preemies, some forget that I won't ever have a normal pregnancy or a normal birth, or a normal full term pregnancy and make hurtful comments. They aren't meant to be hurtful, but oh sometimes they really sting. Does this mean that I am not happy for all my term Mama's? No I LOVE that you have a full term baby, I'm happy for you that you didn't have to walk the hard road I did, and your baby is healthy! Does this mean I'm resentful to the termie after preemie Mama's... NO. To me, I feel like it is a HUGE preemie mama victory when this happens, and it makes my heart swell with pride for them. I love seeing the pictures of ALL my friends babies whether they are full term or termie after preemie, I LOVE it. Of course I LOVE all my preemie mama's and their preemie babies, there are some that I hold near and dear to my heart, and they are SPECIAL, because they are TRUE miracles. Please do NOT judge me as being someone who doesn't care or is resentful to term moms or termie after preemie moms, because that is SO far from the truth. Sure I talk a lot about preemie's because well, I have TWO. This is ALL I know. So of course I'm going to relate more to preemie than termies if that makes sense. Does that mean I love them any less? No. This is my personal story, and the reason why I feel the way I do..... hopefully some of you now understand my viewpoint.

Update :)

2011-12-09T16:28:00.000+10:00

Where I've been...

First, well we MOVED back to the states! No more overseas tours until both girls are over the age of 6, so I'm sure we will be in Arizona for a while. So far Aaron loves his job & up until a few wks ago I loved our new house/Arizona... up until Libby got stung by a scorpion and that experience was pure HELL for the both of us... and well the fear & terror I feel every single day that my girls might get stung again is making it harder for me to relax & love our new place. We moved to a really nice neighborhood though, and have a pretty big two story house that I love, and life is starting to feel a tiny bit like life should feel.

Over the past few months I started having some weird and scary symptoms, so I went to the dr which then had an urgent MRI done, then spent the a couple days in the hospital because I started to loose vision in my right eye & I got diagnosed with a Psuedo Tumor ( I was like wtf a fake tumor!? And they all said no not fake, your body/brain thinks there is one there and gives actual symptoms. It was nuts)(I prefer fake tumor over real one though thats for sure!) Anyway, along with my fake-ish tumor, I also had spontaneous CSF leak, which caused my pressure in my spinal fluid to go super high, and I had to have a blood patch done after the spinal tap they did a few days prior. It was SUPER painful, But the headaches are all gone, and there is NOTHING worse to lay you down than a spinal headache. I felt like my head was going to explode, it was super painful.... but alas most my crazy symptoms are gone! They think because my labor/delivery with Presley was so traumatic that thats where my problems stemmed from. I have to see a Neuro-Opthamologist in the beginning of January, because the vision in my right eye hasn't improved, but I'm hoping that is fixable! I feel VERY blessed that of all the things that could have been wrong with me, that loss of vision in my right eye is all I have :) It was a scary week wondering what was wrong with me, and I was scared of all the morbid things. I always worry about loosing my girls, but never think of myself, so it was scary to think I might not be here to watch them grow up. I pray no one ever feels that fear or pain.

The GIRLS :) MY GIRLS :) (I still find such satisfaction in that small sentence) Presley is now 6 months old (WHERE DID THE TIME GO!!??!) and is getting super adorable and less cranky/colicky. She still cries about 90% of the day, but thats an improvement, so I will take it! She has quadrupled her birth weight (yeah little mama!!) not chunky or huge by any means, but huge to us. She still has some serious reflux issues and pukes A LOT, and that is mainly the reason why she is so cranky all the time. Poor thing, we don't blame her! She was switched to Neocate, a prescription formula, and a reflux med switch that has made a noticable difference. She also has her MRI that's coming up in January, but the GI was pushing for an earlier one, so we will see if it's earlier or not. She is having tiny seizures here and there, where she just goes blank for about a minute, so that is one concern. I just pray it's something that can be fixed with meds, and am really trying hard to not stress/worry about the possible Sturge Weber Syndrome diagnoses that they think she has. Sigh, I guess we will cross that road when we get to it. It's not like a diagnoses is going to make me love her any less. She has developmental delays, and just barely rolled over a few weeks ago! She can't roll from back to belly, but she did go from belly to back!! She's awesome :)

Libby- She will be 18 months next week and has changed SO much just in the time we have moved home from Guam to here. She is SO smart, and gets smarter/funnier by the day. She is SO close to walking we just know it, and I'm sure it will be soon, or at least we hope so! She is cruising while furniture walking and will take about 6-7 steps to Aaron or I before she crashes. It's SO cute :) She doesn't talk much, but she does have a few words beside Mama, Dada,. She says Hi, Hello, Baby, So pretty that sounds like “so pwettty”, kiss, No, Yes, and the cutest thing is that we say “I love you Libby” all the time to her, and she has recently started saying “you mama” or “you dada” every so often after we tell her we love her. It's precious. One of my favorite Mama moments was the other day when she bent down and kissed Presley on the cheek and said “you baby”. If that doesn't melt your heart, I don't know what will. She has the sweetest spirit. She may not be doing some developmental things, but she was recently re-evaluated by EI services, and the PT said she didn't qualify because she wasn't far enough behind anymore :) YAY!! She also said that Libby is doing some things WAY ahead of 17 1/2 month olds and said she is super smart.. but we already knew that right :) It's always nice to hear from a Dr/therapist say that you are doing an amazing job parenting, and that we are great parents. With both the girls' delays, it's hard to not wonder if I am doing it right sometimes, so their recognition that I am, well it's nice. She isn't really eating a whole lot more since I last posted, but she is trying more things so her gagging has slowed down a lot and her texture aversion is getting better we think! However her GI wants her to have a MRI on her spine soon because she still can't poop on her own without meds, and her swallow study test is on January 12. She is slowly getting better, and while it's not as fast as others would like, it's on Libby's time, and we are use to that, so we are happy with the improvements. Her smile can make my day instantly better even if it's been horrible, and my girls are my whole world. I am SO blessed to have them and their daddy in my life.

That is my small update :) My New Years Resolution is to blog more, so I hope to be more active in the blogging world in the next coming year, because I have realized its very theraputic :) Huge Photo blog to come soon too I promise. While I have been slacking in the blogging world, don't you all worry, I still take TONS of pics :)

Welcome to Holland...

2011-10-04T20:18:00.000+10:00

This little story was written by Emily Perl Kingsley, but has been shared to me by MANY of my preemie mama friends and I think it hits the nail right on the head describing what it's like to have a preemie instead of a term baby experience that I soooo badly wanted.

Welcome to Holland
by Emily Perl Kinglsey

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome To Holland".

"Holland?!?" you say, "What do you mean "Holland"??? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy"

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills...Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned".

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things...about Holland.

I really wanted Italy, but I am learning to love my life in Holland.

This almost Perfectly describes how Aaron & I feel.

Where I've been...

2011-10-03T19:50:00.000+10:00

It's been almost 4 months and all the feelings are still so raw.

I know that I should just be happy, & for the most part i am and believe me I AM very grateful for my miracle baby girls, but I won't lie, it hurts too. I've been pretty MIA from a lot of things lately, and the reason being is because reality is still pretty harsh. The truth is, I'm still dealing with all the trauma of the last few months, heck the trauma of two preemies in 1year, and seeing everyone else complain about stupid things just hits a sore spot with me. I've learned to tolerate ignorant comments and posts, to bite my tongue (which happens too often) and I've gotten pretty good at ignoring things that bother/annoy/upset me. I want to constantly remind someone how lucky they are that they are still pregnant, that each DAY & WEEK is a gift, even if you are in the homestretch, or heck how blessed they are that they are pregnant (guess the 4 & half years of ttc Libby makes that still a touchy subject) But instead I bite my tongue. I guess it's good that I don't say what's in my head, because I'm thinking some wouldn't handle the truth all too well.

Anyway I haven't updated the blog because I have been SUPER busy with life! I'll admit that I have also avoided putting my feelings into words, because it's not all been lollipops and rainbows... I've gotten a hair cut/dyed, been tanning, done some retail therapy, taken TONS of pictures of not just my kids, but of a ton of other peoples kids & families to see if I want to just keep it a hobby or something more (more on this subject later), played with my kids & loved on my hubby, visited with lots of family & friends, ate way too much food & have had way too much Starbucks....... And even though all of this has been lots of fun, I hate to admit but I did all the things I loved to do & that usually make me feel better and I threw myself into everything thinking or more so hoping the pain would go away, but the truth is, is that it's still RAW as can be. My heart is full but heavy at the same time if that makes sense. I've gone to write a blog post but never finish because I just hate how negative Nancy I sound and I delete it. I need to be able to have an out, somewhere to let it all out & not be judged & I just wish I had that. I miss blogging, because it feels so therapeutic, so here I am, halfway put together but still halfway picking up the pieces and seeing that they don't fit the same and they did before. I hope to one day be the inspiration to others that I know deep down inside I could be... I just need to move past the hurt which takes time, even though I wish I could rush it. However being a mama to TWO preemies, i know better, that miracles take time. It will have been 20 years this November that my brother will have been gone, and the tragedy of all that still hurts, but it reminds me that if I can put all of THAT behind me, then I can definitely put this preemie-nicu stuff behind me too. I see all of these amazing people using the hard things they were dealt to do good, & THAT is what I want to do. To use all of this negative energy and hurt, and turn it into positive energy to a good cause. Now that I'm stateside, I want to volunteer with MOD, to raise awareness about MOD, and I'm SO excited to start our own March of Dimes group in honor of Libby & Presley. The date is April 21st for my az chapter & I'm hoping to be able to raise a good amount to give back to the organization that their research saved both my girls lives. Anyone have any good fundraising ideas? Anyone who would like to be apart of our team, that would be great, just contact me for more details and how you can help. I want to also push for a law in honor of my brother. Anyone that knows the story behind this and the details, well you know November-December is a HARD time for me, and I'm sure that's one reason why I've been feeling so down lately too. So again, thank you to the ones who have been so supportive to me & my cute little family... And those that continue to read my blog even if I am a little PTSD like lately. I promise it really is something I'm working on, and im not ignoring that. I appreciate the slack that some cut for me and the understanding that I'm allowed to be a little hurt & upset. I can't promise my blogs will be pristinely happy but life us looking up that's for sure, and I can promise that I AM going places & I have BIG plans to hopefully make a difference & I have some big goals that I'd like to accomplish.

Again THANK YOU to the ones who have given me soooo much support and love & are seeing me through this hard time. I'm on the mend still, but I'm getting there and the love you give me has definitely helped. I still have so many raw feelings right now, but the good blessed grateful feelings FAR outway the bad raw ones, and I'm still sorta in shock that I have two beautiful miracles that are all mine & I love that Aaron & I were finally given the chance to be parents and am just amazed that we get TWO little girls! I promise to update with pics soon! I've been taking TONs but they aren't organized yet which is why I haven't uploaded them all yet, that and it's a couple thousand photos, so I'm in quite the unorganized photo pickle lol! We are also leaving for AZ on Wednesday and might be trying to buy a house (our life is a little crazy at the minute) but I promise to photo update soon!!!

Presley Reagan 2 months old!

2011-08-07T23:28:00.001+10:00

Presley Reagan's 2 month Stats : Weight _ Length _ Head _

For now I'm leaving them blank because tomorrow is her 2month check up/ 3rd weight check & I will update it then. As of her last weight check she weighed 5lbs 3 ozs!! However, I am thinking she is 6lbs now! Little chunker!! It's so funny because to most people they look shocked when we tell them she is fat when they tell us "oh she is soo tiny", because we know TINY as something completely different. It's a look of horror though, because people think we are being mean, when it's completely opposite and we are HAPPY that she is getting fatter! One of the greatest things about Presley, is that she EATS!! It's amazing, she actually eats her food, and even though it is quite the struggle with her reflux, she does eat. I'm hoping that tomorrow they change her reflux meds to something different, because the Zantac doesn't seem to be doing anything. Sigh, Relfux, oh how I hate you!! She spits up every feed, and it's usually quite a bit, so it's amazing that she is gaining weight so fast. She is eating 75mLs still 8 times a day, but is often eating 90mLs, so feeding wise she is doing AMAZING!

A little about Presley. She is very different personality wise from Libby. Presley is much more diva like. She is very demanding, and man if you do not have her food ready 10 minutes before feeding time, she is letting you know what she thinks! It's been amazing to watch her & Libby together. Presley is only 2 months old, but you can tell she loves Libby. She usually quiets down when Libby is there, unless there is a finger randomly trying to go in her eye or mouth (Libby is still learning lol). Libby kisses her head when she is fussing, and it usually calms her down. It melts my heart, and I'm sure they will be the best of friends. She loves to be held, and prefers to be doing this, oh 24/7. She is a night owl, and likes to be up from 2am till 6am. I'm sporting the always tired look, but man is it worth it! Presley has the softest hair, and the cutest little toes. She has her Daddy's feet, and I personally think she gets a lot from her Daddy. Good thing he is just so darn handsome! Both girls just adore their Daddy, and I do too. He is such a good father to them, and he loves them so much. He is very good to us! Here is a pic I took with the two of them yesterday.

I am LOVING all the new tiny little rolls she is starting to get. Like the ones above her knees, and this tiny little double chin that is starting to form. It's delicious. I think fat chubby babies are just the cutest, and even though I have tiny babies which I adore with all that I have, I always love when they get chubbier and chubbier. Isn't it silly that as adults we try everything we can to be skinny and loose the chub, but adore it on our babies? It's silly. I LOVE looking at her little tiny hands. She has these dainty long fingers, and my heart melts when she wraps them around my finger. As a mother of 2 preemies, that tiny hand grip on my index finger, THAT melts my heart & I love it. It brings so much more meaning to me, because that's the first time I got to touch both girls. Every time she wraps those tiny little fingers around my one finger, I get wrapped around hers even more. I'm sure she will be spoiled, because Aaron says it's the same way for him. We just love our little Presley. She is a sweetheart, and she has made our little family complete.

Her angel's kiss is still pretty prominant, however I think it is fading just a little bit. When she gets mad, it sure does flare up bright red, but all in all I do think it is fading. I have had quite a few rude/hurtful comments about the markings on her face & head, and it's hard to not want to slap the crap out of some people for the ignorant things that they say... but I just smile and explain what it is & that we don't mind. I won't lie, I wish for her sake that she didn't have it because I don't want her to one day come to me crying because someone was mean to her and hurt her feelings by making fun of it.. which I'm sure that will happen, and that makes me sad. I don't see it when I look at her, but I think she is perfect, so I am biased. It makes me sad that one day someone will hurt her feelings, someone will break her heart, and being her Mama, I wish I could spare her that. Sigh. Um, She still doesn't have a bum, (I love baby bums) it's pretty much non existant (hahaha and NO, she did not get that from me obviously), and she is still in preemie diapers BUT they are starting to fit her now. We don't have to roll the front down twice anymore, even though they go halfway up her back lol. She is still too tiny for newborn clothes, even the ones that have been shrunk down a few times.. but she soon will be in them because the preemie clothes are starting to get a little snug. I am SO glad I bought all the preemie clothes we did, and so thankful to all our wonderful friends that sent us cute preemie clothes from the states. I can't wait for Aaron to get my babyhawk from Guam, so I can start wearing Presley. I'm big on babywearing, and have been pretty sad to not have it here with me in Oki. Still no word yet on when we are leaving here, or where we are going, but I will update as soon as we do know something :) Her eye appt. is tomorrow, so hopefully she passes that & then we can be given the go ahead to finally LEAVE Okinawa! I've been really worried about her eyes, and have been praying that they are fully developed tomorrow morning. Happy 2 Month Presley, Mama & Daddy love you SOO much!

My little Sweet P

2011-08-02T00:46:00.007+10:00

Isn't she just adorable!?!

I have been super busy taking care of both girls while Aaron is busy running around base trying to get everything taken care of with our EFMP orders (which we still don't know anything yet on the when or where) but even with all the crazyness, I have been having SO much fun taking pictures of my sweet girls. I've been trying to learn new things with our DSLR for months now, and it's so addicting! I am loving that I have the two most adorable girls, and they are so fun to take pictures of!

Since becoming a Mom, I stumbled into the taking pictures of EVERYTHING mantra & well now I perfectly understand why my Grandma is so crazy with her camera :) I am having lots of fun learning how to take better pics of my girls (I LOVE being able to say that I have GIRLS!!) and it's a hobby that I have come to LOVE. I am addicted to taking pictures of my girls(there it is again, GIRLS, sigh, I love it!) It's getting to be a pricey addiction, because well I have accumulated a few lenses & I will admit, I REALLLLLY want another one that has quite the price tag. Sigh. Aaron says for Christmas I may be able to upgrade from my D40 to I think what I want is a D90? Oh please Santa, I think I have been extra great this year :D My favorite thing about photographing my two precious little ladies, is that I have all these amazing memories FOREVER & I don't ever want to forget all the little things. It's so crazy how fast this last year just flew by, and Presley is already 8 weeks old, and it just is bittersweet. I can't believe she is almost 2 months old, WHERE does the time go & seriously please make it stop! So, this is my happy place, my addiction. I'm sure this blog will turn very photo happy, and that is just what this blog needs. To close the chapter of all that crazyness of NICU, TTC, Pregnancy, and move on to happier beautiful things like raising my two beautiful girls & living the military wife life with my handsome hubby that I adore.

Presley is HOME!!!

2011-07-26T16:32:00.004+10:00

OUR SWEET TINY BEAUTIFUL PRESLEY REAGAN IS HOME!!!!

She was able to finally come home on the 17th of July, exactly 6wks after she was born. It seemed like FOREVER to Aaron & I that she was in there, but, I have to say logically she was so blessed because 6wks in NICU time isn't that much, as compared to my friend whose baby is 6 months old and STILL in the NICU. Sweet little Kinsler, please pray for him, he deserves to finally go home, it's been long awaited & I can't imagine having to raise your first born in a hospital for 6 months, his Mother, Valerie is such an amazing & strong Mama! So Presley's 6 wks compared to 6 months is pretty dang minimal & we are just SOO proud of Presley for sailing right through her NICU course! She did amazing, and she just cruised her way through, with very minimal speed bumps. HUGE THANK YOU to EVERYONE that kept Presley in your thoughts & prayers, I just know every single one counted and made a difference!

She now as of her last weigh in which was a few days ago, was 4lbs 8oz! She is eating 60 mLs a feed & feeding 8 times a day. We still pretty much have her on "NICU time" which is the schedule of feeds at 2,5,8, & 11. It works out pretty well with us, and my type A personality LOVES the schedule. It's very cut & dry, and makes for the crazy hecticness of having 2 under 2 a LOT easier. Libby always seems to thrive more when she is on a schedule too. As of right now I am only allowed to breastfeed her 2 times a day, and then the other 6 feeds have to be pumped milk with added calories to make a 22cal. She needs the extra calories since she is still SO tiny, and as much as I'd like to breastfeed her all the time, it's nice that Aaron can feed her whenever too. Overall though, her feeding is AMAZING compared to Libby. Libby NEVER cried when she was hungry, which is very different from Presley. Presley is much more demanding, and we are just happy she actually eats! I hope & pray that she continues this trade, because having one child with major feeding issues is enough! The two issues we still have to worry about though, is that her eyes still aren't mature all the way yet. At her eye appt on the 26th, her very peripheal vision is still immature. She has had three eye appts, and this is the part they are worried about, but she still has until she is 40wks gestationally before they really start to worry. It's nothing too serious though, and if it continues to be a problem, it's just her side view, and at least it's not frontal view. The second issue is that they still want her to get an MRI and a neurology appt. when we get back to the states, to make sure her port wine stain (the huge angel's kiss that is all over her face and head) that even though it doesn't fully encompass V1 completely and her risk is low, any involvement with V1 warrants a full complete Neuro workup just to make sure she doesn't have Sturge-Weber Syndrome. Sigh.. it's always something.

We are having tons of fun being a family of four. It's actually quite amazing, and Aaron & I are just loving every second. It's quite surreal to us coming from our past history with miscarriages & the infertility before Liberty, so we are just amazed that we have the blessing of having two beautiful little miracles that we get to raise and love. Libby loves her new little sister. She gets very upset when Presley cries and always has to be right there with us when Presley is getting fed or changed. She is learning how to be "soft & gentle". She is just so sweet with her though, and will occasionally bend her little head down and give Presley a kiss on her head. It melts my heart. Libby doesn't quite understand why Presley won't just jump up & play with her, or that she has to be soft and gentle with her, but she is learning and gets more gentle with her everyday. She loves to see her first thing in the morning and will just squeal with delight when she sees Presley. That was one of the major things I was worried about was how Libby would react, and I was worried she would think we replaced her, but that has so not been the case. She has gotten jealous a few times, but nothing that wasn't expected, and she is doing amazing with her little sister. I can't wait to see them grow up together, and I just know they will be the best of friends.

As of now we still don't know anything about where we will be moving to, when we will be moving, when Aaron will be going back to Guam to pack out our house and sign out of Andersen AFB, if us girls will be staying here in Okinawa or going back to the states while he is gone in Guam... it's all up in the air right now, and Aaron and I are just trying to be patient while we wait for the news and orders. We are still holding out for hopefully getting AZ, WA, or FL, but we know we could go somewhere that we didn't have on our list & we are okay with that too. Some friends of ours just EFMP'd to Nellis with a 28wker from here back in May, so Vegas wouldn't be that bad either. For Aaron's job though, he doesn't want Nellis, since he would be VERY busy with work. However, on base housing there is brand new and is NICE! I can find phlebotomy work anywhere, so I really don't mind wherever we go. I have had zero control over anything for so long, that I've accepted I don't have any with moving either. I think my stress levels will go down a lot once we find out where we are going, so then we can start planning, because as of now, our life is just in Limbo, and it's not fun sitting in limbo for months at a time. I'm excited to go back to the states though, we have missed the amenities of stateside living, and I'm looking forward to being able to go visit family for cheap plane tickets, and um TARGET lol. Black Friday will be lots of fun this year!! Most of all though, I'm just looking forward to finally settle down in a home for at least 3 years and it will be nice to have some stability and not have to move again for a while. I'm not a fan of moving twice in 6 months!

I've been asked if having two under two is hard, and if the adjustment was hard? Um I won't lie, it's been quite the adjustment, but it has also been a lot easier than I thought it would be. I'm pretty tired and my nerves start to get a little frazzled when they both start crying at the same time, but it doesn't happen that often. I'm sure Aaron & I have quite the work set out for us, but as of right now, we are just loving the cRaZiNess of it all, because it's a welcomed good crazy if that makes sense. I LOVE that they are so close together, because I know they will grow up to be the best of friends. I just LOVE having TWO little girls. I am SOOO happy to know that the NICU saga is over, and I can completely close that chapter in my life and never have to go back to another NICU. A nightmare I never have to relive, and that makes me so so happy. I'm LOVING that I haven't been sick with hyperemesis and never have to again. No more Pre-E, no more HELLP, no more Abruptions, and no more csections!! I'm pretty darn happy to put all that craziness and worry behind me!! Life is GOOD and we are just SOOOOOOO unbelievably happy to have our sweet Presley home from the NICU and that our family is complete!!

Open Crib!!

2011-07-07T01:12:00.002+10:00

That's right!! Presley was able to pop the top of her isolette today!! She gained 30 grams when they weighed her on day shift, so they decided to just pop the top and go to open crib! She has been holding her temp great, and hasn't had any issues so far, so we are hoping with fingers crossed that she will KEEP it open!! I'm just hoping that when they weigh her at the 11pm feed she will have gained weight. They usually weigh her at the 8pm feed, but they started to eval her and found that she had an 8mL residual (which is huge for her, and mostly because she was laying on her back all day. I don't know if I mentioned on here, but when she lays on her tummy or side, she never has residuals)(oh and for those that don't know what a residual is.. the nurse or tech takes a syringe, hooks it to her NG tube, and then pulls back on it to see the leftovers that are in her tummy. Some residuals are okay & normal, but a residual of 10% or greater is called into her Neo.) So since she had a big residual, they decided not to weigh her then and wait till 11pm feed, which is where Aaron is at right now. So I will update on her weight stats tomorrow.

She only had one big Brady this afternoon when I was there, but she picked herself back up and that was the only one I saw all day/night. She didn't even brady when I fed her at the 8pm feed :) I'm still bottle feeding her breastmilk w/added 24 cal, and she is chugging it all down super lickity split fast! She is now eating 35 mLs a feed. I'm pretty sure she could do more too, but they won't up her feeds for a day or two. Also her Neo said that they probably wont take her back to 3 nipples and one NG until she gains some more weight... so probably a day or two. All she has to do to come home is go to full feeds, gain weight, and have zero brady/apnea/desat episodes. She's getting there, and is just cruising! She's been on the fast track since before she was born, and we are just so SO proud of her!

I mentioned a while back ago that we bought Presley some preemie outfits from Carters.. and Oh my goodness, are they ADORABLE!! They are a tiny bit big on her, but seem to fit pretty well too, and I'm SUPER glad we spent the money and bought them! Sure the NICU has clothes for the babies to wear, but hardly any girl stuff, and it's all pretty old and used... so since Presley is my last baby, and we have so much stuff for her from Libby, we figured why Not? Ive been ridiculed for buying them since she will grow out of them fast, but the best thing about that, is that we are going to give them to the NICU when she outgrows them. So that way we are giving back, and it makes me happy knowing other amazing little girls will be able to look adorable too. This may sound silly, but Aaron & I both feel like we have just a little bit more control since we are the ones who get to decide what she wears, and it's one more thing that WE get to do. THat's huge for us, since we get to do so little in her care. Plus seeing her in crisp brand new Pinks & Purples, it makes everything fresh and pretty, and brings a happy feeling to the gloomyness of the NICU.

Oh another great update for today that might be a little TMI for some.... I made 3 BINS of breastmilk status today!! I am so proud of myself for putting in so much time (every 2-3 hrs) into pumping so that Presley can have the very best start. I really do believe it is the best thing for her right now & I'm happy that at least my body decided to do this one thing correctly! Last time I struggled SOOOO much with milk supply with Liberty, so this time around it is such a huge blessing that they are working! My super sucky body decided to do something right, so it's helping me feel a little less worthless. I know it's not my fault that my body decided to fail Presley & evict her early.. but at the same time it doesn't make it easier. When she struggles I feel so guilty and just wish we weren't doing this whole NICU thing again. Everyone is always saying how strong I am, but the honest RAW truth, is that I don't feel that way. I feel weak & most days I feel like I can barely keep my head above water. I wish I was more positive about everything, and I am trying, but it's hard. I'm REALLY trying to not be envious of all the mothers in post partum who have their take home full term babies, or all my pregnant friends, but again, it's hard to not be sad when I see them, or when I read all the FB status's. I'm a part of this preemie Mama group, and all the ladies are just so wonderful & I feel closer to some of them then some of my friends I've known for years.. and this last year knowing them, made all the preemie stuff & delays with Libby sooo much easier. But now, I just feel like the odd ball out. Recently there have been a LOT of full term babies born after preemies in our group, and it's just been REALLY hard to read all the posts lately because I was SUPPOSE to be one of those women. One of those that had success after a preemie... and now, I just feel lost & hurt. I hate the phrase "supposed to". I hate being referred to as a "frequent flyer card to the NICU" "repeat offender <---- like I'm guilty of a crime or something" and the worst yet "the one who can't carry a baby to term".. it makes me feel defective. I know most people who say this are just trying to joke or make light of our situation, but I won't lie, it hurts. I'm hoping in time I will be able to let go of the hurt & sadness I feel. I know I have to take it one day at a time, and I'm just glad people suggested I blog, because it truly does help to be able to get it all out. Raw truth is that I'd love a huge happy pill that took away all the pain, but I don't want to just smother it, I want to work through it, so until that day comes, I will blog. Okay this post started out SUPER exciting and happy and turned glooomy, so here's a happy pic of Presley & I today when I went in and she was in an OPEN crib!!

Thursday July 7th

2011-07-07T01:00:00.003+10:00

Presley now weighs 1630 grams so she lost 40 from yesterday. They still have her switched back to every other feed an NG feed and they were hopeful all day today that she would gain and that she would go back to nipple, nipple, nipple, NG. But she lost, so that's not going to happen probably for a few days. This also means that she still can't be out unless she is being fed & only the amount of time it takes her to feed. So that means that we only get to hold her 2 times a shift, or for 2 hrs or less total in a 24 hr period.

Ugh I just HATE that I can't hold and comfort her when she cries. It's just as miserable for her as it is for us though, because she LOVES being held & cries when we have to put her back in. It just breaks our heart. Since she can now wear clothes, she also gets to be swaddled, & she LoVES being swaddled. So at least now it's a tiny bit better so she doesn't cry as much as long as she is swaddled.

We still don't have any news yet on our new orders. It can take up to 6wks and it's only been 3 since our package was submitted so we still have a few wks to go. We were hoping we would find out sooner than later though. Luke was our first main choice, so we are REALLY hoping we get it. We didn't want to leave Guam and were even planning on extending... But life happens when you're busy making plans, so now we are trying to make the best if everything and be excited for going back stateside. We are excited about being closer to family so that we can visit!! I'm excited also because since we have to go somewhere that has a level 3 NICU, that means there will be a big hospital which means a big city which means TARGET :) yay!! That and a civilian hospital that I hope to get a part time job at working on a night shift here and there so that Aaron could be home with the girls when I work. The extra income would be nice, and mostly just because I miss working. I LOVE being a stay at home MaMa, but Staying home all day everyday isn't my thing, and I plan on starting school again soon so that by the time they are in school, I can have a career too. I love having my own business and will keep doing that, but I'm getting kind if burnt out on it. For now though, I'm perfectly content with being a stay at home Mama... However I CANNOT wait to have BoTh my girls home with me. This trekking back and forth to the hospital and practically living here, it just sucks. However, it could be worse and I'm trying to be as positive as I can.

I have this friend whose little Boy has been in the NICU for FIVE months & I just feel for her so much. We have so many people praying for Presley, so if you have an extra minute to pray for another, please pray for sweet little Kinsler! I think of him & his amazing Mama Valerie everyday & I just have to give her some major props for doing this NICU rollercoaster for ThAT long, she's amazing & sure had one amazing strong little fighter too.

Happy 4th of July!!

2011-07-04T00:50:00.000+10:00

She now weighs 1660 grams!! Here is Presley in her 4th of July outfit! Other than her gaining some weight, that's about all that's changed. She's just feeding and growing! More feeding than growing so they are having her be held less and bumping her bottle feeds back down to only 2 nipple feeds a shift instead of 3 & a strict holding time of less than 30 minutes. It sucks, but if that's what will help her gain weight, then so be it. I'm also taking a breastfeeding hiatus because my tatas need the break! Between breastfeeding and all the pumping, I'm sore. Since her
Mouth is still so small, she still has a hard time keeping a good latch & it gets painful. So this was the perfect time to give her a little break! That and she has been doing Amazing at bottle feeding and tomorrow they plan on bumping her up to 32 mLs a feed. We are hoping that the 24cal starts to help her gain weight instead of loosing it. Other than the weight issue, her Neos all say she is doing great! That she is perfect, just tiny.

Here is Libby in her Fourth of July outfit! Isn't she just so stinking cute!! She is doing pretty good, however she is teething with another two teeth coming in, so she's kind of grumpy, but still her sweet little self. She's crawling and getting into EVERYTHiNG and just having the time of her life exploring her new found mobility. She's sooo much fun right now!! It was crazy being in the NICU AGAIN for another 4th of July a year later, but we figure next year we will do it BIG and it will be so fun because we for sure will not be in the NICU again :)

Presley is 4wks old!!!

2011-07-03T01:27:00.003+10:00

She weighs 1550 grams & did pretty good at feeds today.. but the coolest thing about today is.. drumroll please.. Presley is wearing CLOTHES!!!

I came in this morning and she was in PINK!! Look how stinking cute she is!!

She is still in a closed isolette, and won't be able to go into an open air isolette until she proves she can hold her own temp and the main thing right now is that she needs to gain more weight too. They mainly only put a shirt on her when Aaron was holding her, because she tends to get cold when he holds her, but last night after the 2am feed, they decided to just leave it on her and see how she did. Well when I came in this morning, it was still on :) YAY for clothes! This is a HUGE milestone for Presley!!

Saturday Update..

2011-07-02T01:09:00.001+10:00

Just the same as every other day, nothing really new... But again, no news is good news :) Presley was really irritable today, and when I came in this morning, they told me they held her a lot in the night because she just wanted to be held :( this makes me sad because I wish that I was the one holding her... And it just makes the whole "can't hold her whenever I want" thing so much worse to find out they are holding her & its not even at feeding times. I like that she is getting held when she cries, BUT I just wish it was ME that's getting to comfort her.

She fed for 11 minutes at the 2pm feed & then 13 minutes at 8pm feed. She GAINED 20 grams!!! So she now weighs 1560 grams! Soon they said she can start to try to wear clothes!!

The best thing about today is that Libby is officially CRAWLING!!!! We are so so proud of her! She is everywhere now, and into everything, and it is SO fun! It's so cute too, because when she is crawling, she is just so proud of herself that she is just screaming with laughter the whole time :) Liberty's laughter is like medicine for my soul these days, and I truly just love her more than words can even describe.

July 1st

2011-07-01T01:00:00.004+10:00

Presley lost 10 grams, so she now weighs 1540 grams. To be able to wear clothes she has to gain weight continuously for at least 3 days, so her 3 day count started over tonight. There goes her being able to wear her 4th of July onesie her Daddy bought her. We shrunk it 3 times and she still would be swimming in it lol, so it's not that big of deal. We knew it was a huge possibility when we bought it 2 wks ago that she might not be able to wear it, let alone fit.

What our weekends consist of.... Spending all of our time hanging out with our two beautiful miracle little girls. When you put it that way, it sounds a lot better than spending it at the hospital split up from my other two loves & taking shifts. So to all of those who keep calling this a "vacation" you're off your rocker, because vacations are suppose to be spent relaxing and FUN... and I KNOW I'm not relaxed & the nICU is definitely NOT what I call fun either.

Every night when I finally lay my head down to sleep I'm just exhausted, but then have such a hard time sleeping because my mind won't shut off. Actually I'm so frazzled that I'm pretty sure I'm running on auto-pilot. Today I listened to the nurses talking to/about a family that's had a termie in here for a few days & they're "rooming in" tonight. Ugh they had the regular "big baby bassinet" wheeled in and it sat right across from Presley's isolette. This had me almost in tears because it just seems like rooming in is FOREVER away & it just is hard. On my hardest days, I sit and chew candy or suck on mints, because it helps me be able to try to concentrate on something instead of crying. I decided to switch to candy/mints because the inside of my lip/cheek was starting to get sore. I'm just glad I brought in enough jolly ranchers tonight because I needed them!! I will never understand how some parents just don't put thier kids first & have to have their command get involved just so they will visit their child more than an hour once a day. It just blows my mind, and it makes me so mad. Presley only goes through one feed without one of us being there, and that's an NG tube feed... But even that bothers me that I can't be there with her 24/7. It's hard though because I feel caught in the middle, where I wish I could be cloned to have one of me for Libby, one of me for Presley, one of me to do everything else, and then one of
me to sleeeeeep!!! I wish!!!

I did get to help with Presley's bath today & man she is just so tiny! She has the tiniest bum I have ever seen, and rolling her preemie diapers down in the front to fit her, It's just crazy to change her diaper when I've been changing Libby's too. It's a HUGE difference & it's just amazing that we can keep miracles like her alive, because she is so teeny.

Thursday June 30th

2011-06-30T00:55:00.003+10:00

Thursday

Every other feeds no 11 am feed. Fed at 2pm feed & 8pm feed. She weighs 1550 grams!

Presley was a RoCkStAr at breastfeeding tonight! She nursed for 17 mins on the left, took a quick nap for a few minutes and then woke up to feed again and did 10 minutes on the right side!! I was amazed she nursed for 27 minutes! She just amazes me.

First Bottle by Mama

2011-06-29T00:42:00.000+10:00

Wednesday: She weighs 1530 grams
Today Presley went to every other feed being nipple/bottle feeds starting @ the 2 pm feed. She is also being bumped up to feeding 30 mLs every feed! She is starting to really eat now!! WAHOO!!

One of the funnest things I get to update about today is... I fed her by a bottle for the first time today!!! Her first bottle feed that I fed her was 20 mLs, then the last 10 had to be NG'd. Not bad eh? She is like a Libby 2.0 though in the fact that she also does the whole suck suck suck suck suck... oh no forgot to breathe.. brady... Fun times! Not! It's not a past time that I ever wanted to repeat, but here we are repeating the brady episodes. She is however recovering on her own most the time, and I usually can catch her when she is doing it before the monitor picks it up. At least I know the signs to look for, it's not as stressful as it was with Libby. Still scary to see her turn a purpley blue color, but I know what to do when that happens, so thats refreshing at least. I have to laugh to myself, because what other moms are like Oh my kids turning purple, no problem, I've got it under control! It's sad, the nurses will rush over, and I don't even break a sweat when it happens now. With Libby, I would be bawling my eyes out.

However she puked after her bottle so she got a quick bath & they switched out her bed linens. Then after her 8pm feed she peed all over her bed linens (she was all smiles though when I was allowed to hold her for 5 mins while they changed her bed. I think it was her plan all along so she could get some more cuddle time with her mama! Smart girl!!)

Presley's Smile

2011-06-28T00:39:00.001+10:00

Presley had a pretty chill day today, just doing some feeding and some growing!! She nursed for 12 mins at the 11am feed & 6 mins at the 8pm feed respectively. I got to kangaroo care her for an hour after the 8pm feed and it was AWESOME!

Presley gained 40 grams!!! So she now weighs 1540 grams! Baby girl is getting fat :) and we are so excited!! If she gains a little bit more weight, she will be able to pop the top of her iso @ be able to wear clothes!! Soon, she's almost there!!

Other than that, not a whole lot went on today, no other news to report. No news is good news. I finally figured out how to take pics of Presley without using a flash and not having them all come out grainy. So I sat patiently waiting to catch Presley's beautiful smile & I was so thrilled when she smiled so big for me. Here's her gorgeous precious smile that makes my heart melt. If this doesn't melt your heart, then I don't know what will!

Ugh.. Monday..

2011-06-27T00:21:00.001+10:00

Today was just one of those days, maybe because it's Monday, or because it was cloudy but whatever it was, it just didn't go well. It was one thing after the next, and just one if those days where nothing went right.

I won't go into huge detail, but one of the nurses got really short with me & said something that hurt my feelings & it got under my skin for the rest of the day. Then my pumping schedule was all thrown off & since that's one of the only things that I can do for Presley, it really worried me that my supply would drop. My supply so far is doing great and I am going to need to get a third bin in the freezer pretty soon!!! Here's the most recent supply pic :)

Today I was only able to breastfeed once because of the nurse I mentioned earlier & she only latched on for about 6 mins & then she bradyd pretty badly so they had me put her back into her isolette. So I only got to hold her for 6 mins all day & it's just been breaking my heart all day that I don't get to decide when I get to feed her, or hold her when I want & I just hate this. It's SO hard. It hurts me so much when she cries and I can't hold her. It's hard because I just want her home with me & we know that can't happen for a while, and this just hurts. Leaving the hospital always just physically breaks me down, and I usually end up crying the whole 5 minute uphill walk to our storks nest home.

Presley weighs 1500 grams now!!! That's about all my happy news for today, and I'm just hoping that tomorrow is easier and I will be able to hold my angel for more than 6 minutes. I know I shouldn't complain as there are others I know who have had/have much worse than I do, but man it's hard not to be negative sometimes. I JUST want to hold her, comfort her, and rock her to sleep. I want to be able to nurse her in the privacy of my own home.. I want that intimate bonding that mother and child supposedly get through breastfeeding, because right now, breastfeeding is NOT intimate at all, I don't even know why they put up the privacy shades in the NICU for when I feed her, because it's not like any of them actually use them... I'm pretty sure everyone has seen my tata's in the NICU. One day it won't be like this. Aaron & I are always saying "one day.." to each other, that or we tell Presley that One day she WILL be wireless. One day, you will be out of here, and Mama & Daddy will be able to love on you and hold you, and kiss you as much as we want without having to ask!! Prepare to be spoiled little Miss Presley!!!

Presley is 3 wks old!

2011-06-26T00:04:00.000+10:00

My sweet Presley Reagan is 3 wks old!!!

She weighs 1470 grams. She lost 10grams from yesterday, but that can be normal. She did breastfeed & has done 2 bottle feeds with her Daddy in the last 24 hours, so she has been working really hard! The two times she bottle fed her, she did great! The first time she had 15 mLs and the second time she had 20 mLs!! They are talking about bumping it up to 25 tomorrow that she can take through a bottle, so with that she is doing amazing!

I put Presley in the same bow as Libby wore the first time, and it's amazing how this bow is the tiniest one we have, but on Presley it is HUGE! Here is a couple of pics :)

June 25th

2011-06-25T02:50:00.005+10:00

It's a gloomy rainy day here in Okinawa, with torrential rain & crazy strong winds of a tropical storm. Presley can sense what kind of day it is, because she is just acting tired & has been sleeping the whole time I've been at her bedside today. She's all cuddled up and hugging her beanbag, which reminds me of how Libby cuddles with her blankets.

While Liberty and Presley were both preemies, which a lot of their NICU days are alike, they have also been quite different too. Presley has been more on a fast track than Libby was & she is also WAY more demanding/ diva like than Libby as well. Liberty was very chill, and Presley is chill until you upset her and then she gets all cranky. So every 3hrs when it's hands on time/ feeding time be ready!! However, one of her nurses can be upsetting her & as soon as I put my hand on her head, or touch her tiny finger, she settles down almost instantly. That makes me smile because it tells me that she knows I'm her Mama.

Presley gained 40 grams today!!! She now weighs 1480 grams!! She did pretty good at her breastfeeding today, 13 mins at the 2pm feed and 12 mins at the 8pm feed. She's awesome! Her Daddy is going to try at 2am feed to bottle feed her for the first time, so I hope she does well. She started to Brady again during both feeds today, it only happened once each, so that makes me nervous. Oh and she is off the billi lights today, but has been getting cold, so no kangaroo care for the past few days... It's also setting back further how long till she will wear clothes and go to an open isolette.

I've talked about how stressful life is right now, so I just want to say how happy I am too. I feel so so incredibly blessed that I don't think words could touch the surface of how blessed I feel. Life isn't incredibly ideal right now, but even in all the craziness, my cup is overflowing! Looking back to a few years ago when doctors were telling us we might never have children & fertility treatments were failing me... it blows me away how life has changed so much & how with faith and hope, anything is possible. It just goes to show that doctors don't know it all & "the impossible" is possible! I love my two precious little girls more than anything & God has been so good to me. It's hard to not wonder why we have had a harder path than most but I'm just grateful to have been given the chance to be a mother to not one, but TWO babies!

This last Christmas I spent the night in the ER bleeding & cramping like crazy thinking that we had lost Presley for sure & the dr telling me that I was miscarrying because she couldn't even find her on the ultrasound. While I waited four hours for the oncall radiologist to come in to do an ultrasound to make sure, I sobbed and sobbed. I remember being devastated & praying that somehow there would be a miracle. I pleaded & pleaded & said that even if our baby had to be sick or something else wrong, that I would be able to handle whatever, just to please let our baby live. The radiologist looked around for about 10 mins and then he found her. Presley kept me busy guessing and worrying 2 more times with bleeding scares in the first trimester. That with the horrible hyperemesis & then all the high risk pregnancy hoopla of testing & appts, I decided that two was a PERFECT number. Sure I always wanted a houseful of kids, but my body just can't do that I guess.

So as much as I want to complain and do the whole why me thing (and I'm guilty of it from time to time) I still feel lucky. To some I definitely do not seem lucky with all the crazy shenanigans we've gone through to get our beautiful girls, but I AM lucky because we did GET them :) They are both tangible REAL miracles we can hold in our hands. I've really learned and seen what faith and prayer can do, and all I can say is that God truly is amazing. I appreciate every second I get with both my girls, because I know how precious those seconds are. I have so much to be thankful for that I could go on forever, but to sum it all up, I am thankful to God, for he has given me so very much.

Presley is OFF oxygen!!!

2011-06-24T01:13:00.002+10:00

PRESLEY is OFF OXYGEN!!!!

YAYYY!!! Yep that's right, she did amazing this morning when they took her down to a quarter of a liter, and then when they took her off oxygen completely, she was still sat-ing at 100!!! She is AMAZING!! When I came in this morning to see her, I was kind of bummed to see her under the billi lights again, so I said hi to her & then sat down. That's when I noticed the huge surprise.... NO oxygen tube!! I was so excited that I jumped right out of my chair and it felt like I busted a stich for a second because I jumped up so quickly. We are sooo excited!

Presley is now a feeder & grower!! I can't tell you how amazing and
Blessed I feel right now to be able to say this! Basically what this means is she just needs to learn to feed & grow :) pretty awesome right?!

When I nursed her this morning, she was pretty exhausted from everything and was more interested in sleeping than eating, so she only ate for 8 mins. I was pretty nervous to feed her without her oxygen, but she did really well. She did have one Brady episode, but it's because she was trying to keep gulping without taking a breathe in between. I'm nervous we will have the same suck, swallow, breathe issues that we had with Liberty, but right now they said what Presley is doing is completely normal for her age. Especially since she just came off oxygen, she is doing AMAZING!! She ate for 15 mins at the 8pm feed, and she did great! I'm loving how amazing she is doing with all these feeds! No brady/apnea episodes at all during her 8pm feed!!

I felt so bad when they put in her NG tube. She hates it, and i dont blame her. They started giving her the polivisol today. She will have to be under the lights all day again today, but they are hoping that she is almost done with the billi lights for good. She gained weight again!! She gained another 20 grams, so she now weighs 1440 grams!! Presley is just a little superstar, and is just cruising right along with everything, and I'm SOO proud of her! For such a tiny little thing, she sure is a fighter!

Huge thanks to those who pointed out that the layette section is where the preemie stuff is on the carters website.. Presley's outfits are on her way!! Now I just hope it doesn't take too long to get here! Oh & just a carter's shoutout, they are AWESOME because they ship to APO for FREE!! Yep that's right, FREE, when they normally have $6 everyday shipping! I also used code SOCUTE & received 20% off my order (you have to spend $40 to get the discount though)

June 23rd- Presley Update

2011-06-23T01:00:00.002+10:00

June 23rd

Presley's big YAY for the day is that she is now down to HALF a liter & still at 21% oxygen. Since she has been sat-ing at 100 all day today, that tomorrow they will turn it down to a quarter of a liter.. and if she tolerates that, then the next day, DRUMROLL..... no more nasal cannula!! So she could be off of oxygen by this weekend!!! That's the plan anyway, we all know that things can change in the NICU, but we are pretty excited!!! After she gets taken off the oxygen, they will take out her OG tube (the one in her mouth that she feeds from) and will make it an NG tube instead!! I'm seriously so excited about all of this!

She GAINED weight!! FINALLY!! She lost for quite a few days in a row, so her gaining was awesome news! She gained 20grams, so she now weighs 1420 grams (3 lbs 1 ounce) She is getting more amazing by the day with breastfeeding. Sweet tiny Presley breastfed for DRUMROLL... 20 MINUTES!!! Yep, she's a rockstar!! They also started challenging her with temp changes, so hopefully by next week some time, she will be able to start wearing clothes! Not that I have any teeny tiny preemie clothes to fit a 3lb baby, but it's still exciting none the less, and the NICU does have clothes. I did try to order some off of Carters.com because I know that they sell preemie clothes, because I saw them in their outlet when we were in the states last fall. Low & behold, I was pretty bummed when I went online & couldn't find any preemie stuff. Maybe I didn't look hard enough, but either way, NONE. So if any of my readers are avid carters shoppers & are close to one in the states & wouldn't mind going in the store to see if they still sell them and send some to me, let me know & I can send you some moola!

I had an interesting conversation with a mother that has a 36wker in the NICU right now. She was telling me about how this is her 2nd preemie, the other having been 36wks too, and I just had to chuckle to myself. I asked how long their NICU stay was & she said 3 days in the most dramatic voice she could use. It's things like this that Aaron & I have just learned to laugh about, because they always make it seem like it's the most tragic thing ever, when in reality it's not that bad at all. The most annoying is having the mothers of termies whose baby is in for a couple hours & then they post all over FB and tell everyone that will listen that their baby is a "NICU Baby" or "NICU graduate". Thats a huge pet peeve of mine. Okay that's my rant for the day.

June 22nd

2011-06-22T23:18:00.002+10:00

First off, Presley is just getting cuter and cuter by the day. She lost a tiny bit more weight and weighs 1400 grams but even with that she just seems bigger & her tiny little cheeks are starting to get some chubbiness which I LOVE!

She is now eating 27ml a feed (they also bumped her up to 22cal today) & she is being allowed to breastfeed once a shift, so twice a day. She did a great job today & I think she is getting better at it each day. I'm betting that give her a couple weeks for her tiny mouth to get a little bit bigger and bam, I'm sure she will be a champion breastfeeder! She is still learning now, and is getting a great latch, but has a hard time keeping a good latch... so I'm really hopeful that when it comes time to really feed & not just an attempt, that she will still be just as awesome! Still no Bradycardia or apnea episodes during feeds, which I'm soo thankful for.

Speaking of breastmilk... Check out my AMAZING supply!!!

All this breastmilk talk might be a lot of TMI, but it's also a great accomplishment for Presley for how great she is doing & amazing for myself because I have such a great supply this time around! With Miss Liberty, I had to REALLY work for every drop & I pumped every 2hrs for 8 and half weeks straight, used fenugreek (all that did was make me basically a walking pancake lol), ate oatmeal, drank my weight in water, for hardly any milk. So this time around I actually have milk to go in the freezer.... In TWO bins!!! I just want to toot my own horn for a minute & say GO me, because I am soo proud of my boobies that finally work! They're basically the only part of my body that decided to actually work in the whole childbirth/pregnancy saga of mine, so I'm proud of them. It's really helped my attitude this time around, because I know that the best thing I can do for Presley is to pump for her. So with all the milk I'm pumping, I don't feel so worthless.

Just as I was about to write about Presley not having any apnea episodes and doing great cannula wise, she decides to have a brady & apnea episode. It's the first one I've seen in a few days, and still relatively normal for her gestational age (she's 32+2) and she resolved it fairly quickly and on her own which is good. She's only had a few apnea episodes where they've had to give her more oxygen but that was when she was just getting off the vent. They're thinking of moving her down to half a liter on her low flow cannula & are hopeful that she could be off the canula completely by this weekend!! That would be amazing, but I also know things could change, so I'm not crossing my fingers just yet.

She had a pretty big residual tonight after her 8pm feed. That & the apnea episode she had, it has me a little stressed out tonight. All in all though, she is a RoCkStAr & is doing AMAZING for what she could be doing. Thank You to all the prayers that just keep coming, we appreciate them so much!

Goodbye Vapotherm!!!

2011-06-21T23:17:00.001+10:00

June 21st

She is off the Vapotherm!!! Wahooo! Seriously, one of the best updates ever!! Her ISO is much more quiet now & it was the best thing ever to come in to such a nice surprise to see the Vapotherm GONE!! She is now on a low flow nasal canula at 1 liter & 21% wahoo for Presley!!

Today was her 2nd & 3rd attempt at breastfeeding and she did excellent!! I fed her at the 2pm feed, and she ate for 12 minutes!! Since I can only breastfeed once a shift so that sweet Presley doesn't get too tired, the next breastfeed was at 11pm and she did amazing again!! It takes her a little bit to get started & keep going since (TMI alert) her mouth is just so tiny that she has a hard time keeping a good latch :)

She is up to 26ml a feed & she is doing great with them. Hardly having any residuals at all. Tomorrow they are thinking of starting to fortify my breastmilk to a 22cal to help her gain weight. Right now she weighs 1410 grams. Yesterday she was 1420, so she lost a tiny bit but they say it's normal for her to loose a little when they start breastfeeding since feeding is exercise & it burns calories.

Our sweet tiny baby girl is making such amazing progress & we are just so proud of her!

Presley is 2wks old!

2011-06-20T22:58:00.000+10:00

June 20th- Sweet tiny Presley is 2wks old today!!

Her PICC line is out!!!! Wahooo!! She is now eating 23ml a feed and is doing so great!

Today I gave Presley her first bath from me! She has had a few before, one where Aaron got to help, & then one where they offered to let me help, but I declined the first time. I know how bad that sounds, but she was so tiny & still so brand new with her thin red skin & I was scared I would either break her, or accidentally rub off some of her precious skin... So I respectively declined, but stood and watched instead. I was still scared when they offered me to help this time, but since I had changed her diaper & helped get her temp reading a few times, I was ready. She isn't to fond of getting baths, and fussed a lot of the time, but as soon as I started washing her hair, she calmed down & boy does she like getting her hair washed :)

Along with helping with her bath, And her PICC line coming out, they also let us try a breastfeeding attempt. I was really nervous that she'd have either a Brady or apnea episode but she didn't!! Not one!! A huge relief from Libby's bradycardia episodes she'd have during feeds!! She suckled for 9 minutes!! I'm hoping she keeps up the amazing feeding that she is doing, because man lately she has been such a RoCkStAr!!

Her Neo said I can so an "attempt breastfeeding" once every shift! I'm excited to try tomorrow. Today was such a good day!!

Venting..

2011-06-16T18:27:00.004+10:00

I'm venting/ just getting it all out in this post, so just forwarning... It's a long post and my thoughts are all scattered & not the prettiest.

What started out as a pretty chill evening hanging out with Presley at her isollete, changed to a CrAzY hour in the NICU tonight when they got a call from L&D to come get a term baby that was in respiratory distress. The reason why I'm writing about this is to get all my thoughts from that hour out of my head.

When they brought little man in, there were 6 of them standing around him, complete with giving him oxygen & there was just a lot of commotion going on. For me just being an innocent bystander sitting at my baby's bedside (who slept peacefully through all the chaos going on right behind her) it put me on edge. Having had two preemies who have both had RDS & had to both be vented, just seeing other babies struggling to breathe makes me feel sick and almost put me into a panic attack. It's those scary horrific times that you never want to remember or relive again & Both memories of both my baby girls struggling to breathe and fighting for their life just came crashing into me all at once and now I'm just emotionally drained.

I'm not going to start a "why me" post but man life is NOT easy right now by any means. I know I'm so blessed to have two beautiful little girls, that given a few years ago I never thought would happen. My two sweet miracle baby girls who make my life complete... But I'm not going to lie, they also have given Aaron & I quite the ride. I'm sure I will have gray hair before I'm even 30 & any sooner than that I wouldn't be surprised either. I walk into the hospital multiple times a day (who am I kidding, I basically live here) and with the NICU being on the same floor as L&D, post partum, and obgyn clinic, I'm surrounded by pregnant women with ginormous beautiful full term bellies & Mamas with full term babies. I try not to think of the should have, would have, could have beens... But right here and right now, I just want to say it's NOT fair. I wanted all of that, and I know I deserved that. I miss my growing belly and feeling sweet tiny Presley wiggling around in there, instead of having to quietly watch over her by her isollete. I'm never going to feel that again, and even though I am quite happy knowing i never have to suffer through hyperemesis or the nightmare roller coaster ride of the NICU again, I still feel sorta like I got robbed of something I should have had. I longed and dreamed, wished and hoped for a full term pregnancy & that didnt happen & thats been a rough pill to swallow that my body failed me & her. I know it's not my fault, but in a way it still somewhat feels like it is. Why again!? As if once wasn't enough.

I have TONS of friends & family who are pregnant right now, and even though I love them all dearly, I'm starting to get really peeved off about all the complaining they are doing & just wish theyd stop taking it for granted. There have even been a few comments recently about how they wish their baby would just come now and none of them are even close to term.. Some even in the 20 something wks range and under what Presley was when she was born. THIS makes me sick. I did & would have done anything to keep both girls in longer, so hearing these comments makes me angry, sad, hurt, sick, and a whole lot of other feelings. They've even gone as far as saying just because Libby was early, she's fine now & that Presley is doing great too so having a preemie must not be that hard... SERIOUSLY!!?!!!! Whoever thinks it's easy should come take a walk in my shoes for a day & then I just know they'd change their mind... Or I could send them to some of my other preemie mama friends who have dealt with Much harder & worse than I.

I'm peeved that some people are so caught up with being in the spotlight and needing all the attention on them... That they have cut me out of their life completely because I'm taking their pregnancy attention away. Newsflash.. I DIDN'T want this attention, and being mad at me for having a preemie is just rediculous. Get over yourself, you're being so selfish!!! I wouldn't wish this on anyone. And to those who think having a preemie is so intresting.. Yeah it's not. It's scary. I hate that I'm constantly terrified I'm going to loose my precious baby girl everytime she bradys, and that I'm scared to walk into the NICU every morning because I'm worried something happened or came up while we were gone. My heart instantly drops to the floor when I see her Neos standing next to her isolette again for the fear something is wrong. When her monitors go off, it puts me on edge... And this is just some of the everyday stressors...

I feel so emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm so tired, so stressed, and
I just can't believe we are doing this NICU thing all over again. Its not fair! I ate healthy & did everything i was suppose to by the book & then you get the mothers that are on drugs and what not & their babies are born healthy and full term. I've tried to be strong & put on a brave face, but darn it, it's HARD! My voice is cracking all the time, because I've cried way too much & I'll admit, I've cried myself to sleep because I just miss my Presley so much at night and hate having to leave her in the hospital every night. I want to hold her, snuggle & Cuddle her as long as I want, nurse her, and i cant. It's rough & breaks my heart. Then throw in the whole having to pcs again ordeal & I'm sure it's enough to make anyone feel exhausted.

I just wish that sometimes life was easier. That's life though, it's not easy & that's what makes the good things so much sweeter, because you went through so much to get to the good Stuff. I'm so thankful for such an amazing support system that Aaron & I have. Our family and friends that have been amaZing. My preemie family has been aMazing.

(and for the ones that haven't been supportive, I'm still in shock for how much disrespect some have shown me. I'm hurt that one of our family members has totally just hurt Aaron & I by basically cutting us out of her life completely for NO reason. We asked why & we got blocked/ deleted/ shunned basically. To her I just want to say that in your time of need, I was there for you. I'm really hurt by this,It's sad you can't be there for me, especially right now.)I had a beautiful baby girl, and didn't even get an awknowledgement from her, and this hurts.

Okay got a little side tracked.. I'm thankful for every single prayer, and kind word that has been said to Aaron and I. All the emails and comments and love have meant so much to me & I appreciate them all.. Even if I don't have time to respond to them all, I want you to know I still read them & love them & I love you all for being there for me when I'm at my worst (which tends to be more these days) and at my best. I'm trying my hardest to keep it all together & I'm faking it till I make it I guess. If anyone is still reading this post about all my craziness thanks for reading. One day I hope to be posting about things like recipes, or just everyday nonsense, until then, thanks for tagging along on this CrAzY hectic somewhat chaotic but still blessed life I live.

Liberty Grace is ONE!!

2011-06-15T02:57:00.001+10:00

My sweet, precious, beautiful little Miss Liberty Grace is now ONE!!

I just can't believe how fast this last year just flew by! I won't lie, last night as I was singing her favorite lullabye to her & rocking her to sleep with her sweet tender little arms wrapped around my neck, I just started bawling. As I looked down at her, I was thinking about this last year, and thinking back to all the traumatic L&D & NICU craziness, how tiny she use to be and then how much she has grown into this sweet little person & how my sweet baby wasn't a baby anymore, and that she is now considered a toddler... And my heart just broke. It's bittersweet because I love seeing her grow into this amaZing little person with such a personality, but then my heart breaks because she is growing up so fast. She had just fallen asleep right before my waterworks started & it was enough crying that I accidentally woke her up. She looked up at me, squeezed a little tighter, and smiled at me like she knew just right then and there that I love her with all my heart. She is such a sweetheart & even though I wish she could just be my baby and stay little forever, I love watching her grow, and I'm looking forward to all the fun new things she will do and learn this next year.

Her stats: head-46cm (87%tile) length- 26.8in (44%tile) weight-17.8lbs (14%tile)

The things she is doing now:
* She's army crawling everywhere!! We Are sooo stinking proud of her and are so excited for her! She will chase her Daddy all around and will come to me if I'm in the kitchen or somewhere else in the house. She is usually just giggling as she is doing her whole half crawling half dragging herself.

*She can FINALLY go from laying down to sitting position!! She can sit all by herself and then move into a different position without falling over, and it's sooo nice that she has figured this out. She entertains herself a lot easier now that she can do this, and it's easier for her to play too.

*She can say Hi and wave her hand at you! It's sooo cute! She waves to everyone and will just keep repeating HI over and over again. It's adorable. Other than hi, mama, mum, dada, dad, and her recent one.. NaNa (what she calls my Mom.) she doesn't really say anything else. She sure does scream and giggle a lot though lol.

* She is FINALLY eating some baby food! She usually eats 2 bowls of oatmeal cereal, 1 container of baby food, a ton of puffs, and around 24oz of 24cal formula a day. We are trying so hard to get her to eat more, but man it's a challenge! She LOVES her puffs & loves to put them in her mouth herself & has some excellent fine motor skills!

* She will shake her head back and forth when she doesn't want to do something. If we tell her No, she will shake her head back and forth a couple of times, it's pretty funny. She is getting quite the personality. However, Libby has also started becoming resistant to some things and will clearly let you know if she doesn't like it. We will tell her No, and she will make this sad frowny puppy dog face to see if we will change our mind. Oh & I thought that tantrum throwing started at age 2... I guess Liberty is starting early!? Yikes, I'm still absolutely Terrified of having two little girls that are 12 months minus 10 days apart... Oh man, Aaron & I are in trouble!

* she is pulling up on everything she can and as always loves to stand while holding onto something. I'm sure she will have actual crawling down soon & then walking shortly after. She is doing sooo well lately & we are just so proud of her! Considering she hasn't seen her OT or PT in 4wks, she is doing AMAZING.

Her birthday party was small with just Liberty, Aaron, & I... But it was so fun and wonderful. I had bought a lot of cute stuff/ toys for her party, but since it was all in Guam & we were in Okinawa, I didn't want to have to rebuy and replan everything, so we just kept it small & it turned out so fun. I'm so glad it was just the 3 of us to be honest. Libby LOVED her smash cake. She didn't want to get dirty at first, but then once she figured out it tasted so yummy, cake was everywhere and she dove right in lol. She had a blast opening her presents and it was all just soo much fun!

I have so many favorite things about her. One of my favs has to be the way the light in her eyes just sparkles and sees the world with such an untainted view. How everything is just brand new. One of my favorite things to do is just to watch her, to see her explore, and being her cute curious self.

Having children changes your life in so many ways. It really does make you just stop and forget about all the worldly troubles and see life and everything around you in a whole other light. I wish I could be more like her in the part where she doesn't see bad, only good.

If I'm having a horrible day, all I have to do is go spend a little bit of time with my sweet Liberty, and all my problems just seem to disappear while I'm with her. She is just so happy 99% of the time, and it's impossible to be in a bad mood when you're around her. I love every single thing about her, and Still am just loving her more and more Each day. Most of all, I'm loving being her mom, it's the best thing in the world.

PDA update & other Presley info

2011-06-14T17:54:00.004+10:00

Most importantly... HER PDA CLOSED!!!!!!!! One of the best updates I can give right now!! I bawled my eyes out when they told me, I was just so overcome with gratitude that I just couldn't help but break down because I was SO happy it closed. I know I say this ALL the time, but it's only because I really believe it... I KNOW all the prayers count. I know each and every single one means something, and it helps, and Aaron & I are just so grateful for the continuous prayers, love, & support that our amazing friends and family, & complete strangers have shown Presley. They mean so much to us, and we appreciate every single one of you.

She now weighs 3 lbs!!! Woooo go Presley! It must be all that yummy breastmilk I've been so diligently pumping for her every 2 hrs :) She is up to 9mls every 3 hrs and at her next feed at 5pm tonight she will go up to 10.5! She is doing awesome with her feeds & is actually pretty demanding about getting them RIGHT when feed time is, and if it's not she sure let's you know your late with her food :)

Presley is at 2 liters and 21% they are thinking about lowering it down to 1.5 liters tomorrow or the day after To challenge her and see if she can handle it.

She is still having some Brady episodes, but she is so quick to recover from them that they don't have to help her with them & that right now they are saying it's completely normal for her gestational age. She is also on the caffeine to help with these apnea and Brady episodes.

Since her umbilical lines are out, this means she can sleep on her tummy, and she LOVES it! She actually doesn't Brady when she's on her tummy & she doesn't get residuals when laying on her tummy either. Her dad is a big tummy sleeper so she must get it from him :)

I got to do kangaroo care with my tiny little Roo for the 2nd time at her 2pm feed & it was awesome!! It was my 3rd Time ever holding her and I got to hold her for an hour and 20 mins... Best hour ever! Aaron is going to do kangaroo care with her at her 5 pm feed and hold her for the second time, so today has been pretty awesome!

Her Neo said today that Presley is doing so great & doesn't have any major issues, which after the PDA scare, that is SOOo nice to hear!

Update on our Sweet P

2011-06-12T21:00:00.005+10:00

First off, Presley is now 1wk 1 day old (where does the time go!?), and has absolutely captured our hearts and we just love her soooo much. She already has quite the personality and even though she is super tiny, she is pretty feisty. She gets awnry whenever one of the nurses messes with her cords, or has to get vitals, but as soon as either Aaron or I touch her tiny little hand, she calms right down. She has quite the set of lungs on her, and I can hear her crying when I'm at the front of the NICU washing my hands to go in, I KNOW it's Presley. She may be small, but she will be heard lol. She will start fussing and the nurse will go back to check on her, and then she will stop as soon as they get to her, she just wanted some company :) She is super sweet, and I can't wait to just cuddle her, and she has one of those faces that just make you want to love on her. We've even caught her smile a time or two, and it's just precious.

I got to change her diaper for the first time today :) I love that we are finally being able to do some hands on stuff with her. That is one of the things I struggle with most with, is the part where I can't just hold her when I want to (I haven't held her since the first time, and that was a week ago.)I can't just touch her when I want to, and I hate that I have to ask someone for permission before I can touch my own child. It physically just hurts me and breaks my heart in two when she cries, and I can't pick her up to kiss her & comfort her. It's rough. So I was SUPER excited to change her diaper for the first time :)

She wore her first bow last night after they gave her a bath, and she looked SOOO cute! We've just been using our point & shoot camera this whole time since we didn't want to use the flash on her.. and Aaron has been bugging me on not using the nice camera on her... well when they put on the bow, I just HAD to break out the SLR and took a few :) I have to say, she is absolutely beautiful in my eyes. It's like she knew she had a bow in, because she even smiled after they put it on her.

Okay on to the medical stuff..
*First off, her PDA-- she has now finished the meds for it, and they did the EKG today. They sent the results off to the cardiologist in Hawaii, and we won't know the results until tomorrow. Talk about making us antsy.. Aaron & I are NOT enjoying the wait, but we are trying to be as hopeful as possible. We would LOVE for them to tell us it is closed tomorrow... One of her Neos, Dr. Winters, said that if it is smaller, they will just let it be & watch it closely. If it hasn't changed though, she says they will try just one more round of meds, and then if that doesn't work, she will be med evacing Presley to Hawaii for surgery, that or if she starts becoming symptomatic then they will send her then too. We of course are all hoping for the best, but if sweet baby girl has to have surgery and that is what is best for her, then we will go to Hawaii. (oh & for the few people that asked What a PDA is.. it's basically a tiny hole in her heart. Every baby has one, but when they are born it usually closes.. it's very common in early preemies.)

* Her PICC line was successfully put in today!! (YAY for a one stick success!) This also means that her IV line was pulled out, and so was her umbilical line. Which drumroll... this means we FINALLY will be able to hold her!! I'm actually on my way out the door as soon as I get done writing this update to go see her & hopefully hold her!! Aaron is super excited too, because he will finally be able to hold her as well. We also get to start doing Kangaroo care too.

*Since she is finished with the meds for her PDA, she started feeds again today! She is on 1 & a half mls of breast milk. It sucks that they have to start her feeds all the way back at the beginning, but because she is at high risk for NEC, they have to start slow.

* She is down to 2.5 liters & at 21% on her Vapotherm & is doing fantastic with this! They are slowly weaning her off, and this makes us SOO happy :D

* Her 3rd head ultrasound came back normal today, which is always nice to hear :) Thankful for NO brain bleeds! Lol to Tiffany<----- just in case she reads this half asleep again & posts an update. Jk, I love ya girl!That basically sums it up for updates.. I will update again tomorrow when we know the results of her EKG.

Update on Presley

2011-06-10T12:09:00.003+10:00

Update On Presley-

It's day 6, or Saturday, June 11. She was taken off the vent on Tuesday afternoon & has been doing great on the vapotherm since. She is down to 3 liters & @ 21%, so breathing wise, she is doing great! She has had a few apnea episodes, but that is common in 29 wkers and we're hopeful she grows out of them real quick because man are they scary!

I got to hold her on Wednesday & it was absolutely amazing! We haven't been able to hold her since then, because she still has her umbilical line in.. but once that comes out, we will be able to hold her! They pulled out one of her umbilical lines yesterday, but didn't pull out the last one because they weren't able to place a PIC line & were going to give her a tiny break and try to put the pic in again today. Well now they aren't going to put one in or pull her line yet, because they are putting her back on IV nutrition. The reason she is getting another IV & going back on IV nutrition is because they are stopping her feeds (she was up to 4ml of breastmilk every 3hrs) because she has to go on meds that require no feeds. It breaks my heart because we asked if she would be hungry & if it would bother her, and they said they would try to make her as comfortable as possible. It's things like this that really make me sad & I just wish she didn't have to go through all this & be in pain.

The reason for the Medicine & the stopping of feeds, is because her PDA still hasn't closed & they now think that medicine is the best option to help close it. We will know in 2 days if it works or not. Please pray it works! If her EKG comes back on Monday showing no change, She will be med evac'd to Hawaii to have surgery to close it. At first they thought that it would close on it's own, it hasn't & hasn't shown any change or improvement, so now they are going to try the meds. There are a bunch of risks they have to tell you before they give them, and man those risks are so daunting. Libby never had this problem, so we never had to deal with this, and it's all pretty scary. If she has to go to Hawaii to get surgery, the 4 of us will all be med evac'd with her & we would all stay there for the rest of her NICU stay. Presley's doctors are all very hopeful that the meds will work, so we are trying to be just as hopeful too.

When Presley first came into the NICU, she was in the very very back left corner, and for all our friends & family that don't know, the back of the NICU is reserved for the sickest/youngest babies. Yesterday they moved her isolette up to almost the middle of the nicu :) Aaron & I were so surprised that when we came to visit her yesterday, we both walked right past her lol. It's nice to not be all the way in the back anymore & we are super excited she's moving on up!

That's basically all the updates in a nutshell, I will post again when I have more updates. Again, thank you to everyone who is praying for Presley. Aaron & I appreciate every kind word that is said to us, and we truly believe every prayer counts.

Oh & we keep getting people asking if we have an address so that we can get things sent to us..

Stork's Nest
c/o Aaron & Brook Parker
PSC 482
FPO, AP 96362

and a phone number to reach us on if you are here in Okinawa, we are at the West Pac Storks Nest on Lester, the number is 645-3541 room117
Our vonage is off right now, but we did get Magic Jack, so our stateside peeps can contact us with this number at 801-872-0590

Presley Reagan Parker

2011-06-06T22:55:00.001+10:00

Meet our sweet precious little Presley Reagan Parker.
She was born on Sunday, June 5, 2011 at 10:48 AM weighing 3 lbs 0.6 oz at the Naval Hospital on Guam after I was admitted 2 days before due to Pre Term Labor. She was technically suppose to be 30wks & 3 days, but they decided to go off my first dating ultrasound which made her 29wks & 6days. I think one of the main reasons why they did this, was for that technical loophole of not being able to stay overseas with a preemie 30wks or under. So Presley was born via emergency c-section at 29wks 6days due to a Class 2 Placental Abruption. I started to go into Pre Term labor on Friday, and was admitted to the hospital since I was making cervical changes & they FINALLY agreed to give me the steroid shots. The Procardia was helping to keep my contractions down, and my blood pressure under control, so we were all hopeful things were starting to turn around for the better & that I would be able to make it at least a few more weeks. Saturday night around 9pm my contractions started to come back full force and were happening every 5 mins, then by 10pm they were coming every 4 mins. Early am hours I was checked and my cervical length had shortened drastically and my OB decided it was now time to Med EVAC us. We were to be med evac'd in the morning, at around 10am. Well by 4am I was in full blown active labor and dilated a little past 4cm, and my cervix was basically gone & the contractions were now coming every 2 minutes. They were starting to get SO painful. By 7am, I was in tears with every contraction, and by 8am, my cervix was gone, I was 5cm dilated & they were giving me my last steroid shot 2 hours early & starting to get things prepped for an emergency c-section as there was no doubt that Presley was coming NOW. It was so scary & I was so worried Presley wasn't going to make it. I was also in an unbearable amount of pain & contracting every minute with no time in between to recover. They were trying to wait as long as possible to give the steroids some time to take effect & was put on the evil Mag drip. I was checked again at 10am, Presley had moved to station +1 & I was 6cm dilated. I then started to hemorrhage pretty badly and was rushed to the OR & Presley was born shortly after. It took forever for her to cry, but she finally did and it was a beautiful tiny little cry. She was whisked away by the NICU team to be intubated & get ready for transport to Okinawa. They finished working on me, tied my tubes and then I woke up in recovery a bit later. I didn't get to see Presley until around 7pm, and was just able to look at her for a few minutes and touch her sweet TINY little hand before they took us by ambulance up to Andersen AFB & we were then Med Evac'd to Okinawa Japan.

So we are now here in Okinawa, Japan & are told we will not be returning to Guam & will be moving to the states. We will keep you all updated on this process and will let you all know where our next duty station is going to be. They said the process takes about 8-10 weeks, around the same time frame they think Presley will need to be in the NICU. She is doing pretty good with all things considered. She is intubated (on a vent) but is trying to breathe above the vent, so she shouldn't have to stay on it for too long. She's lost a tiny bit of weight since birth and now weighs 2 lbs 13oz. She is a tiny little thing, but is a fighter & is doing great.

I'm healing pretty quickly, and my c-section this time wasn't as painful as I remember the last one being. However, it's proving to be quite hard to deal with when I have a kicking little Liberty to take care of and who wants to be held 24/7. Since my labor with Presley was so much different this time around then last time with Libby, I am a lot more sore down in my pelvic area and my bones down there just feel like they are going to split in half whenever I'm walking.. which we have to walk everywhere since we don't have a car or a japanese license. We are staying in the Storks Nest here, and it's about a 5 minute walk to the hospital, so all this walking I'm having to do is making me just exhausted.

Liberty & Aaron are also here in Okinawa & are doing great. Aaron is doing such an amazing job being a full time Daddy while I'm healing, and I couldn't have done this without him. He's been amazing, and I'm so lucky to have him as my husband and the father of our children (wow that is so surreal to say..children!) We're taking it a day at a time, and we just feel so blessed that Presley is doing pretty good, and we just can't believe she is already here & we love her so very much.

I will try to keep this blog updated as much as possible, and use this blog as a way to update everyone on a day to day basis on how Presley is doing. I have to give a warning right now though, that I can't promise to be positive 100% of the time, because lets face it, life is HARD right now, and we are all just physically and emotionally exhausted. So if I complain, or go off on a rant here and there, please bear with me, or I guess don't read it if it bothers you. Even though I am SOO greatful that Presley is my little girl, and I wouldn't change anything about her because I think she is beyond perfect... this road is not going to be easy & I will admit, I've cried myself to sleep, I hate that my baby girl is having to fight for her life, and I hate that she is in the hospital because my body/medical care for me failed her. I know it's not my fault, but that doesn't mean it makes me feel any better or that it makes it any easier. Everyone keeps saying I am so strong, and even though it's so nice to hear, I just feel so weak. So, I will try as hard as I can to keep this blog happy & upbeat, but I make no promises :) HUGE THANK YOU to every single one of you who has been there for me, for Presley, and for Aaron & Liberty too. We are so very grateful for all the prayers, and for all the kind words, it means so very much to me & I know every single prayer helps.

Liberty Grace 11 Months

2011-05-15T17:29:00.000+10:00

Liberty is 11 months old!! Someone please tell me WHERE the time goes.. and how do I make it STOP!?!?! I can't believe that in a month she will be ONE!! It makes me happy and sad all at the same time. It's fun to see her grow up, but I wish sometimes that she could just stay my sweet little baby forever.

Things She is Doing Now :
*She's eating puffs again! Well she still gags on them and pukes but it's getting less and less! Oh and she can pick them up one by one and feed herself! She also today on her 11month birthday, had a WHOLE jar of organic bananas! That now makes it TWO jars completely eaten by Libby!! She hasn't been eating well with her bottle lately, barely making 20 oz a day (UGH.. the feeding issues are never ending it seems) But they are switching her to a new formula that her Pediatrician had to sign a referral for since it's prescription only.. and we should be able to pick that up next week sometime. We're hoping she starts drinking more with this kind, and since it's a special formula for Preemies, we are hoping it will tailor to her needs more than the Alimentum :) Guess we will just have to wait and see.

*She has gotten bigger! Well we won't know officially until next week exactly how big she is, but I'm sure she weighs 18 lbs now!! We weighed her on our scale at home and it said she weighed 18.6 so YAY Libby! She is getting all these adorable rolls everywhere & she's finally getting a bum :) complete with a dimple or two.

*We got her a little walker and she loves that thing. She doesn't walk in it yet, but she does move forward a litle bit or backwards and when she does she screams with excitement and gets this huge proud smile on her face :)

*She loves bath time, and I've started to take them with her in the evenings since it's hard on my back and baby belly to lean over and hold her since we have all tile tubs and they are pretty deep ... She will sit on my lap and just kick and kick and laugh and laugh. She likes to just sit there and be held too, she really is the sweetest little girl we know. Her daddy plays with the bath toys with her and she will scream and growl at them.. She is such a character. She has figured out that they squirt water, and so she will squirt the water in her mouth, which we all know how I am with germs & sanitizer, it freaks me out, but Aaron keeps reassuring me that she will be fine. Oh & Yes, I admit, I STILL carry hand sanitizer around in my purse, have it in every room in the house.. the list goes on haha.

*She plays with all her toys much more now and will sit and babble at her violet dog. Most of all though her favorite thing if all is BOOks she LOVES books and is always wanting us to read to her. Her fab book is still Hop on Pop.. I need to get her reactions on video, because it's priceless. When pat goes to sit on the cactus she will scream at the top of her lungs and put her hands out on the page to stop him lol... She gets so into them and it's just amazing to sit and watch her loook at every page and listen to your every word. She may be delayed with gross motor skills and have feeding issues. But man is she smart!

*She has a love for tags and blankets, and is still sucking her thumb. I call her my little Linus because she reminds Aaron and I of Linus on Charlie brown with his blankey and thumb.

*She's definitely started to go through separation anxiety because if I leave her sight for even a moment, she freaks out. She gets shy when her therapists come during the week too and will always reach out for me and say Mama. She says mama and dada a lot more now, and Aaron and I are loving it!

My favorite things about her right now are:
*Her personality just keeps getting bigger everyday and her smile just lights up my life. I can be feeling so sick and in a bad mood and all she has to do is smile and it's better.

*All her new chunky little wrinkles and rolls. She loves to r tickled and just has the cutest sweetest little giggle that just turns into uncontrollable laughter that makes your heart melt. Oh and her chubby little cheeks, I just love them.

*Her sparkly blue eyes that dance when she laughs and I just love seeing them light up when she experiences something new.

Things she isn't doing..
Basically the same as the last update. She still can't go from laying down to sitting position, can't crawl, and obviously not walking yet either. She is getting a lot stronger though and were hoping this is the month that she will learn to crawl... All we know is that she will get there eventually & in the mean time we love her little immobile self :) I'm taking advantage of it and just holding her and cuddling with her as much as I can before she's on the move and too busy to cuddle with her mama.

She is such a sweetheart and will lay with her head on my chest and arms around my neck while we hang out and watch Elmos world or baby Einstein. We will ask for a kiss and she will smile and give a huge wet open mouth kiss complete with drool all over your face. She loves to touch our face and smile. For the most part, she is just as sweet as can be and always so happy and cuddly.

My Cup Runneth Over

2011-05-12T17:30:00.000+10:00

My sweet, beautiful, precious little miracle... giving me a gorgeous smile on Mother's Day

So I feel bad that my blog has turned into something that isn't as happy as other family blogs, and just wanted to do a post on how amazingly grateful I am to have the life I have. I can't promise that every post will be as mushy & happy as this one, but for now this will have to do. Although life seems so hard sometimes, and so difficult with all these setbacks & "delays", and pregnancy issues.. even with ALL of that stress, I LOVE my life.

I am so head over heels in love with my husband. He is my rock & is always there for me no matter what. He has been so caring and understanding (most) of the time, and just at the moment I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown, he is there to make it better... or at least make some silly joke that makes me laugh in the midst of my crying. I'm thankful that he is my best friend, & I'm thankful to have him by my side. He's my biggest fan, and I'm thankful to have found the love of my life so early on in life, and to be sharing this wonderful life with him for Eternity. Sure we have our struggles, and tend to bicker/argue, but what couple doesn't? Whoever says that they "don't" do this... is LYING. Marriage is hard sometimes, and sometimes us women are left wondering WHY do we even need a husband. LOL I won't lie, I have thought this a time or two... but then I'm always reminded of all the amazing things I love about him & even though sometimes I complain to him how much he is annoying me... I couldn't live without him. He won't ever read this, but Thank You Aaron. You have brought me sooo much happiness to my life, and most of all you have given me my two precious girls, that I love with all my heart.

I think back two Mother's Days ago, and it just AMAZES me how different life is now, and how much happier I am because she is in my life. Two years ago, I was hurting SO badly from suffering from repeat miscarriages, and infertility. I was wondering if I was ever going to become a Mother, and it was HARD. I saw all of my friends, family, complete strangers getting what I desperately wanted with all my heart and soul. I felt like inside I was dying, because I knew I had SO much love to give, I knew that I was MEANT to be a Mother. There is this song by Kellie Coffey called I would Die for That. That song was me to a T. We struggled SOO much, went through fertility treatment after treatment, drug after drug, tests after tests, spent LOADS of money on TTC & did things that everyone said "might" work that later our Dr.s laughed at. Even after all that, and then the severe depression I went through after our last miscarriage... Life was HARD. Then right before we gave up, along came the greatest blessing of my life. Liberty decided to stick around, and I am constantly reminded of how blessed I am to have her in my life. I had such a hard time bonding with her while I was pregnant, & I know how bad that sounds.. I just was so extremely scared that I was going to lose her, that it was hard to allow myself to get close. I will never forget the moment I first saw her, 28hrs old, and her tiny little body under the lights in that incubator with cords coming out of everywhere, bradying badly & hooked up to a ventilator. We weren't allowed to hold her for another 7 days, but they let me put my hand in to touch her, and as soon as I touched her hand, she instantly turned her head towards me & wrapped her tiny little hand around my finger & held on so tightly that her hand went white. I was instantly bonded to her, and I will never forget the love that I instantly felt for her. She KNOWS I'm her Mother, and the bond I have with her, I would go through EVERYTHING a million billion times over, just for the time I have spent with her, and the chance I have been given to be her Mother. Which being a Mother, is the greatest blessing in the world.

I look back on that song now 2 years later, and it tugs on my heartstrings, because I almost did die for her.. and I would do it all over again. I haven't told many about the feelings I felt when I was getting the central line placed in my neck, and he hit my carotid artery. There I was laying in a puddle of my blood, blood matting my hair, and what Aaron says looked like a scene from a horror movie. It was hectic, there were frantic words being said, codes being called, and some not so choice words being said by many in the room... but mostly for me, it was the scariest. Everything started to go dark, black, and I started to feel like I was falling backwards, and at that moment when I felt like I was dying, that I started PLEADING with God to let me live, and that if living wasn't his plan for me, to at least let me live long enough to be able to run my finger across her cheek & to tell her I loved her. I remember saying if I can at least have that, then I'm okay if that's your plan & Instantly felt this feeling of peace, love, and comfort around me. It's crazy to think that at one of the worst & scariest times in my life, was also one of the most spiritual for me that strengthened my testimoney beyond what words can describe.So looking back on all that, as I sit here looking at my beautiful little angel sleeping peacefully right next to me, I'm just amazed & feel like the LUCKIEST girl in the world to have all that I have been given.

I LOVE my Liberty. She is my angel, my saving Grace, and my whole heart. This past Mother's Day was a WONDERFUL day. Libby smiled at me what seemed like ALL day, and it seemed like she said MaMa more than she ever had in any other day. I know that every single time she says Mama, my heart melts, because I know how hard I worked to get to this point, and I know deep in my heart just how very blessed I am. Oh the difference a few years can make. If someone had told me a few years ago that if I just held on a little bit longer, that I'd have the most precious beautiful 11 month old Baby Girl AND be 27 wks pregnant in my 3rd trimester with my SECOND Baby Girl, I probably would have laughed and said Yeah Right. I'm so very humbled, and feel so very very blessed to be a Mother to not just Liberty, but soon to Presley too. My cup seriously is overflowing, and I'm so thankful we didn't give up, and that we had Faith. It's absolutely AMAZING what Faith can do.

So for all of my loved ones that are still TTC and struggling, know that even if you are told by Dr.s that it's almost impossible to have children, I'm living proof that it IS. That the impossible, IS possible. Aaron & I have had many of good laughs at the couple of doctors that told us we wouldn't be able to have children. We may have been that 2-3% chance of it happening, and out of a 100% those odds seemed pretty grim.. BUT look at us now :) Looks like Doctors DON'T know everything. Sometimes you just have to do your best, and then have faith that God will take care of the rest.

I know I complain which is normal and everyone does it. Don't let those out there that act and seem like they have a perfect life fool you.EVERYONE has their own set of problems. No one's life is perfect, and everyone struggles every once in a while. Sure we probably won't ever have lot's of money, because lets face it, as long as Aaron is the military, we all know the pay sucks. But we own both our cars, we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, Aaron has a steady job that he likes & has the opportunity to gain rank & accel, money in savings (okay so it's a pretty meager amount next to most, but at least it's some) But most of all, we are happy, healthy (for the most part) and have the love of the most beautiful little girl in the world & one on the way. THAT is more meaningful to me than having some giant bank account & I think my life is RICH in the blessings that Aaron & I have. LIFE is GOOD!

April Update :)

2011-04-29T14:52:00.002+10:00

Hmm let's see, what we have been up to...

*Aaron graduated from ALS late March & is now in charge of 4 guys. We just sponsored a new guy straight from tech school & Aaron has been busy running him around, helping him learn the ropes and get everything situated. Aaron also started taking up golfing & is becoming quite the golfer. He goes with his buddy Adam pretty much every weekend & they have a grand ole time. I'm just glad he has someone to go with, because I think golf is quite boring :)

Libby is continuing to just grow like a weed & I'm pretty sure she is close to 18 lbs now. She has another peds appt. in two weeks to check on things & do another weight check, so I'm hoping at least by then she gains. She is eating more & more cereal.. and it's just so cute to watch her eat because it just seems like we can't shovel the food in her mouth fast enough. She's like a little baby bird, swallows, and then opens her mouth right back up & will make an Ahh sound if we take too long :) We tried introducing pears back in, but she wasn't having any of that. Maybe 5-6 bites and she clammed right up. We did do sweet potatoes last night & she smiled & ate about 8-9 bites... so MAYBE just MAYBE she is starting to warm up to the idea of baby food. Other than her 10 month update I just did on her, she isn't really up to anything else.. besides stealing all of our hugs, kisses, & love :)She is so much fun right now & is just so giggly & happy that it makes up for all the delays & feeding issues. Still not crawling, but we don't mind.. we know she is healthy & will get there eventually.

*Baby Presley- is doing great, kicking up a storm & is taking up ALL my rib space which is starting to really hurt. She is laying transverse just like Libby did, but she just seems to be higher up than Libby was. She seems to really kick & move when Libby lays on my stomach. It's so sweet, because Liberty will smile & lay her head down on my belly and put both her hands there, and Presley will move, and Libby will start laughing and look up at me & smile. I know it sounds crazy, but Aaron & I both know that Libby knows Presley is there. She loves to just lay there with her head on my belly and smile & coo & babble to Presley. I'm sure they will be great friends & we are just so thankful & excited to be blessed with a little sister for Libby.

As for me- I cut my hair! I've been busy taking care of Miss Liberty & planning her first birthday party!! We are doing the theme of "our little cupcake" and so far it has been LOTS of fun planning everything! I've also been busy sewing both Liberty & Presley's crib sets. I'm doing it in the 2d Zoo Holly theme by fabric designer, Alexander Henry, & it's turning out pretty cute! Liberty's is done, I just need to finish up Presley's crib bumper & then I will post pics of their nursery!

My 25wk belly

Pregnancy wise-well I'm still sick & puking 3-5 times a day.. (which makes me roll my eyes when others say they are "sick" but aren't or haven't puked) I'm 25 wks & have officially hit the stage of viability!! That was our first goal & we've met it, now next goal is to get to 30 weeks, and I'm praying with all my might I get to at least get that far. My blood pressure keeps creeping upwards & so does my protein levels, & liver enzymes, so it does make me pretty weary on getting the full term birth I dream of. I'm much more optimistic about it than my MFM & OB's are, but ya never know, it could happen! I started seeing spots this last week, & I have officially lost my ankles to swelling, & carpel tunnel syndrome has come on full force with all the numbing in my hands this week.. but other than that, I'm doing good! I'm thankful for every new week I get to stay pregnant & just taking it week by week. This pregnancy is flying by which scares me a little because I'm scared of the whole 2 under 2 thing, and am pretty sure I might just go a little crazy, but I know it's all worth it :)

That's pretty much our April in a nutshell :)

Liberty Grace 10 Months

2011-04-16T15:58:00.003+10:00

Our sweet little Liberty Grace is 10 months old and time is a flying. I can't believe that two months from now we will have a 1 yr old precious baby girl. She will entering into the toddler world and that just blows my mind that she is already almost a year old! Seriously WHERE does the time go!!?!!

Her Stats- Weight: 17 lbs 11 oz
Height: 27" Head: 18

Things she is doing now :
*ROLLING everywhere!! I know, same as last month, but she is just rolling even more!

*Drumroll please.....SITTING by herself!! That's right, Libby can finally sit on her own without us supporting her up!! She still can't go from laying down to sitting up by herself yet, but hey we'll take it! Her OT, PT, & Pediatrician are soo happy & we are just SO proud of her!!

* She now says MAMA to me and it melts my heart every single time she says it. She says DaDa, but not as often as she says Mama, but she is getting there. The OT was worried about her being so quiet, but now that she is starting to be a little more vocal they aren't as worried.

* Another huge drumroll please... She's FINALLY eating cereal again & is even eating it 2-3 times a day!!!! She still isn't too keen on baby food yet, but she loves her cereal. It's a little upsetting that she went from finally eating babyfood to NONE at all & NO puffs either... but now that she has started to eat cereal again, we are hoping she will catch on with the other foods again too. I NEED for her to be able to at least not gag herself on her birthday when she tries to eat her smashcake.

* She is very cuddly. She will just randomly give you giant kisses & look up at you and just smile. She is such a sweetheart

*She's starting to eat a little bit more.. not a lot, but a little bit more which is awesome for her! She was eating between 16-23 oz a day of formula only.. and now she is eating between 24-27 oz a day!! Her Ped was worried since she hadn't gained weight in over 8 weeks, so she had us start thickening her bottles with oatmeal, up'd her from a 22cal to 24cal (normal breastmilk & formula is 20cal in case your wondering), and we switched her reflux meds from Zantac to Prilosec which made a world of difference! She gained a whole pound from that in 2 wks!! Her reflux has also gotten better with the help of her new meds!

* She has teeth! Miss Liberty has 4 teeth, two on top and two on the bottom. It's been pretty rough with her teething, but they sure are cute teeth!

* Her hair is FINALLY growing!! I have been able to put a few bows in her actual hair and get it to stay!! She loves getting her hair brushed :) Such a girly girl! She always smiles at me and gets so excited when I put in her bows. Libby loves her bows :)

*She also loves to chew on EVERYTHING. This is no exaggeration. From toys to shoes, if you are not paying attention she will grab whatever is in front of her to chew on. Everything goes in her mouth!

* Libby LOVES music. She loves her Baby Einstein videos & Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Whenever the music starts playing for either of these shows, she will stop whatever it is she is doing, and just get this HUGE smile and her whole face lights up. She usually will squeal with delight and dance a little too. It's adorable. She also loves when we play music in the house or in the car. She will usually only take a bottle for us if music is playing. Her OT & Ped say it helps her zone out and helps her to concentrate on feeding. Whatever works I guess, like I said, we'll take what we can get these days! She loves the Red Hot Chili Peppers & 311 when in the car.

That's about all that is new with her this month.. other than she just gets even more adorable by the day & her personality just gets bigger & bigger. She is so much fun & she truly is the light of our lives.

Baby #2 is a ....

2011-03-31T15:12:00.000+10:00

GIRL!!!!!!

Meet our sweet little Presley. We are just so tickled (pink & purple) that we get the blessing of another little girl. Aaron is through the roof ecstatic, because that is what he was hoping for :) I couldn't be happier either, and just feel so amazingly blessed to be Liberty's Mama, and now to be Presley's Mama too. It just blows me away how blessed I feel. Even through all the crazyness right now, we feel incredibly blessed at the same time.

EI Update

2011-03-16T08:12:00.000+10:00

Just a forewarning- I have a LOT of things on my mind, so settle in, this promises to be a long post.

She had her main EI review this last Friday, and WOW that was NOT a fun appointment. Both her Physical Therapist & her Occupational Therapist were there, and it was a 2 & half hour appointment listening to them say how behind she is & blah, blah, blah. I love her therapists, they are great, I just don't enjoy the EI appointments at all. No parent wants to hear how much your kid is struggling & how behind they are. I’m struggling with some of what we are dealing with as far as helping Liberty develop is concerned, and sometimes it is SO hard to keep my attitude going from, “We can do this,” to “This is hard… maybe too hard.” I swear on the days she has her EI appointments, it's always the days where getting on FB just makes me break down and cry my eyes out because all the posts are about how all my friend's kids are hitting all these developmental milestones, and LG still isn't. I know that it's all in HER time, but that doesn't make it easier. She basically feeds at a newborn level eating only 23oz a day, which is what qualified her the most for EI. Although I had posted about her eating solids, that was like a 2 day thing. It backs her tiny tummy up so badly & I think that is her biggest problem. They said developmentally she is on track with a 6 month old, so that makes her a month behind what her adjusted age puts her at. We're slowly moving forward & even though it has definitely been a different path then the one we had intended on, it's all worth it.

At her EI appt, they told us that the only thing Liberty isn't delayed on, is her social level/ and how smart she is. They say she is around 10-11 months on that, which doesn't surprise me because she is just so smart. We're just amazed at how she JUST started rolling over more than once at a time. Her firsts seem to be an even bigger deal than it is for most Mama's. Mainly because they always come as a TOTAL surprise. Very few of her firsts have happened when we were told they “should.” Some happened early, but most happen late, so they always catch us off guard. Where is the section on THAT in “What to Expect: The first year.”? Yea, there isn’t one. We never know what is coming next. It’s confusing, and exhausting, quite frankly.

I'm lucky to have met quite a few amazing Preemie Mama's that actually "Understand" what we are going through & don't judge. It's soo nice to be able to talk to them about things, because talking about Libby's developmental delays with parents who NONE of their kids have ever had any delays is just hard sometimes. I love the support we get from most of our friends & family, but I'm not one of those people who wants advice on how to deal with Preemie issues, from someone who hasn't ever dealt with them. It's so easy to get annoyed with comments that I'm sure are meant to be supportive, but most of the time they come off very condescending. So, here is the truth. The raw, harsh, I-don’t-want-to-admit-to-it truth. Being the parents of a Preemie baby girl is HARD. Harder than either of us ever thought it was going to be. Hard and confusing and, at times, depressing. And hard in ways that no one, even the experts, really “gets.” Unless you’ve been there, there is no way to really understand. (No offense…)

I have tried SO HARD to treat Liberty as the corrected age baby that she is. But my brain knows how much time has passed. My brain knows that today, Libby is 9 months old. Any other 9 month old would be giving me a run for my money by crawling, or in some cases WALKING around. Liberty is JUST barely learning to sit. It's hard to be at a playdate & see other 9 month old babies that are SO FAR ahead of Libby. By leaps and bounds. I try to smile & act like I'm okay, but honestly, it's HARD. I find myself sometimes finding excuses not to go to playdates, because Libby is the only preemie, & that is when we see how delayed she really is. Seeing other 6-9 month old babies doing all these things, and then I just have to hold Libby because she can't do what they are doing. It hurts because she will look at me and wimper and give me this look like "why can't I do that Mama?" and it just breaks my heart. She loves being around all the other babies, so I was amazed on how well she picked up on how they could do things she couldn't. I just wish I could make it easier for her, and the part where I have ZERO control (I'm kind of a control freak if you haven't realized) on how fast she develops, it's hard.

I didn't mean for this post to turn into me complaining, but honestly sometimes I need to vent. Sometimes it just gets so depressing & even though I know that it wasn't my fault she was born early, in a way I still know it is & I hate that. I hate that my body failed her, and that because it did, she has these problems that had she been born full term, she wouldn't. The preemie Mama guilt has been really bothering me lately, most likely because I'm being faced with everything all over again with Baby#2. I just feel like that even though I got off the NICU rollercoaster, it's like I got put on a different rollercoaster & I WANT OFF! While our baby was in the NICU we strived to keep our kid alive and to get out of that NICU and run like hell. At that time in our lives everything else seemed like no-big-deal, we could handle whatever was thrown at us later. Just get us out of the NICU! I want to jump a hurdle and never look back, but this is so different it keeps coming back and sometimes it seems as though I never jumped the hurdle to begin with. I’m so aggravated by how easy it is to be negative. How simple it is to let the cynicism and the demons take over and make the world dark. I’m even more aggravated at how difficult and trying it is to stay positive. Why is that? Why can’t it be the other way around? But, of course, I know the answer. The good stuff is worth fighting for. The prize is sweeter when you’ve earned it. And, most importantly, the effort one puts into seeing the glass half full gives life a value it wouldn’t otherwise have. Hopefully that all makes sense. I know I’ll be ok. Mainly because I know Liberty will be ok. And for the things that either come early or come late, or don’t come at all – we’ll take it as it comes. One at a time. Because that is all we can do.

THANKS for listening, if anyone is still reading :)

Liberty Grace 9 Months

2011-03-15T09:48:00.001+10:00

Hmm lets see, all the stats are pretty much the same, I will update on them after her Dr. appointment next week :)

Her two BIG accomplishments this last week are ROLLING OVER non-stop! It's crazy how just last week she had maybe rolled over 6-7 times total in her life, and now she rolls over at least 10 times a day :D She is rolling everywhere and is starting to push up a little bit on her legs, she even went up once on her knees but then fell and we haven't seen her do it since. She'll get there eventually :)

She is also TRIPOD sitting!! Woooo go Liberty! We have been working SO so much with her, and it's amazing to finally see her start to improve and be able to do some things she is "suppose" to be doing! She will sit by herself with no one holding on to her for about 30 seconds, and her longest time has been 2 mins! We're so proud of her!

Other than that though, nothing much has changed differently other than she just seems to get to be even more fun each new day, and just smiles ALL the time which we love. Aaron & I are always doing crazy things just to see her smile, and we don't care if we look silly to other people, because Libby is happy & that is ALL that matters :) I will update on her EI appt in another post.

17 wk Pregnancy Update

2011-03-03T07:13:00.000+10:00

On Tuesday my weekly pregnancy appointments started. The reason for the weekly checks are to start measuring the length of my cervix to make sure it's not shortening, and if it starts to, they were thinking about putting on a cerclage. I have GREAT news, as of my appt this week, I now can go to every 2 wk appointments to measure because cervix was sooo long! I'm at a 5.2 right now, which is probably one of the only things my body is actually doing correctly right now!

After she checked my cervix, she checked sweet little baby, and WOAH a lot has changed since we last saw our little gummy bear! It now looks like an actual Baby & it's Huge! Baby looked GREAT on the ultrasound :) My Dr. looked around for quite a while trying to get a glimpse of the goods, but Baby was NOT having it & had it's cute little legs crossed the whole time. I have another Ultrasound to get measured again on the 17th, so we should see something then, and if not on the 29th is my official Anatomy Scan Ultrasound. So between now & 29th, I hope Baby will want to show off:) I was leaning towards Boy, and Aaron is leaning towards Girl. I now lean more towards Girl too. No reason imparticular, just that this pregnancy has been almost identical to how I was with Liberty, & their Ultrasound pics looks so very similar too. Guess we shall see :)

On to the Bad news.. my labs just keep getting worse and worse. At my 9wk 24hr test, it showed that I was already spilling some protein & although they were concerned I was starting that early, they said it can be normal to have some protein in your urine. Well fast forward to yesterday & I'm now spilling even more. My liver enzymes were slightly elevated at my last appt, and now it's showing they are starting to elevate even more. My BP is okay. My Dr. pretty much told me that I would be "LUCKY" to get as far as I did with Liberty & that getting past viability & making it past 30 wks is our main goal, and then every week after is a gift basically. That it's not a % chance of getting Pre-E again, it's more like a matter of when I will get it. I held my composure pretty well at the appt, but on the drive back home I pretty much bawled the whole way. It's just NOT fair. I wanted so SO badly for a normal pregnancy. Heck I would take even a semi-normal pregnancy. I want a take-home baby darn it! Pre-E I HATE you, HELLP- I HATE you. STAY AWAY FROM ME dang it!!

Maybe it's because I'm still a little bitter of the things I feel like I should have got but didn't. The first time I saw my sweet baby girl, she was fighting for her life. Maybe it's because I went through ALL of that & then am being faced with it all over again. It's daunting. I'm terrified. I'm hurt, I'm sad. I feel like a failure all over again already, because my body sucks. I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants not even knowing how we are going to do the whole NICU thing over again, especially with having Libby to take care of too. It's times like these where I wish we had family around. I need a hug on a daily basis. I have ZERO expectations on how everything will go because I have no control. In all reality, NO one has control.. even the best pregnancy can turn crazy in a matter of seconds. I just wish some people wouldn't take it for granted & realize that sure the last few wks are probably uncomfortable, but they are still important, they are a gift. Every week your baby gets in the womb is a gift.

The miracle of life is such a miracle, and if it has to be hard & crazy for me to get the beautiful miracle at the end, then I guess so be it, I can step up to the plate (after all, I did handle a ginormous needle in my neck like a Champ<--- I'm awesome) I'm still amazed that we struggled through 4 yrs of infertility issues, and here I am with an 8 1/2 month old & 17 wks pregnant. While I'm terrified of the unknown right now, I take comfort in the fact that my husband is SO supportive, he understands for the most part how I'm feeling, MOST of my family & friends are being so supportive, and most of all, I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish sometimes he didn't give me so much credit in thinking I can handle it all. One day at a time though right?

Liberty Grace 8 months

2011-02-25T07:47:00.000+10:00

I need to be better at writing all the new things she is doing every month, I've slacked off in the blogging world (whoops).

Lets see, your stats are: Head 18in, Weight 16.5lbs, Length 26.5in of Perfection <3

- You are FINALLY eating some solids!! You're such a RoCkStAr! In the NICU they always called you a rockstar, since you were always such a little fighter and were always amazing us. I'm amazed at how just a few days ago, you wouldn't eat more than 3 or 4 bites, and now you are eating 15 bites of cereal, & baby food!! You LOVE the yogurt melts, and the sweet potato puffs. You can grasp them & put them in your mouth. Great Job my little princess, keep up the great work!! Feb 22, 2011 will go down as a day in history we won't forget... the day you officially started eating solids! You ate 4oz of cereal, & then a 4oz bottle.

- You're still not a huge fan of tummy time, but it's getting lots better! You can completely push yourself all the way up on your hands. You are making such great strides developmentally. We're on your time, and we are excited for every single little new thing you do! You finally rolled from tummy to back a couple of times, in no time I'm sure you will be sitting up on your own! Daddy & I are so proud of you!

- You're still wearing some 3-6 month stuff, but big drum roll.. at 8 months you are FINALLY wearing some 6 month clothes!! Our little piggy, you now weigh 16.5 lbs, and are almost 4 times what you were when you were born!! You can even wear some 6-12 month clothes, and of course look adorable in them!! You're a little diva, and somehow always know when you are wearing a new outfit & always get so excited about it. I'm so glad you still let me put you in your big bows, and I love how you smile when I put them on you.

-Your favorite toy is still your little pink stuffed Piggy, but your new Valentines present, Baby Violet, is coming in quite close. It's the sweetest thing to see you cuddle with them when you go down for a nap. The way your little arm holds them, and your hand rests so peacefully on them, it's precious.

- You still put EVERYTHING in your mouth, complete with drool EVERYWHERE. Your feet are your new favorite :) That & stealing wipes from the container during changing time... you LOVE wipes. Wiping your mouth clean always brings lots of smiles & giggles.

- You LOVE the exersaucer. Every time we put you in it, you let out a huge scream and it's so adorable & hilarious at the same time. You have such a contagious smile & giggle.

- You love to give kisses. They are guaranteed to be slimy & wet because you drool so much, but we love them anyway. Your favorite is to grab our faces with both hands and give this huge open mouthed kiss on our cheek. It melts my heart every time. You melt my heart on a daily basis, and I'm pretty much addicted to those kisses & hugs, smiles, anything you do, you name it, I'm addicted.

- When we go in to get you from naptime, we hear this loud thump thump thump thump sound. At first your Daddy & I were like WHAT is that sound, and thought someone was banging around outside. It was hilarious when we discovered you were making this sound by being so excited when you wake up from a nap, that you kick your legs high and bang them against the mattress, laughing hysterically. You are quite the Ham :)

- You have your FIRST tooth! It's so adorable, it has broken through and you look so cute smiling your huge smile with this little glimmer of a tooth :)It's a tiny little thing, but dang it's sharp!

- You have officially ditched your Paci & have traded it for your thumb. Mostly your left thumb. I'm a little worried about this habit, and hope you ditch it before it ruins your teeth. The Dr says for now it's okay though. You do look adorable when you suck your thumb, even complete with holding your tiny little button nose :)

- I constantly just have to sit back, stare, & watch you play, sleep, eat, whatever you are doing is always so interesting & I'm just in awe that I get to be your Mama. I love seeing you experience things for the first time. The way your eyes light up when you discover something new, I love it.

- I LOVE playing with you. You get to be so much more fun everyday, and make my life so worthwhile. I love all your new faces you make, all the new giggles, and sounds, and the beautiful & full of life personality you are developing. Daddy & I LOVE tickling you & doing crazy things just to make you smile, or to get you to laugh. You light up our lives & bring us so much joy & happiness.

- I love the way you smell. There is just something about it that makes my knees almost buckle. I never want to forget the way you smell, and how I take moments out of my day just to breathe you in. I never want to forget the way your little baby toes twist over just like your Daddy's. The way you smile like your Mama. The way you are starting to wrap your arms around our neck and want to cuddle. The wrinkles on your hands & feet. Those chunky little rolls on your legs and wrists that you have earned with all your hard work.

- Daddy & I think you are perfect in every single way & wouldn't change one thing about you. You are a true miracle. Not the way people use the term so openly, but the True meaning of Miracle. You have shown us just how precious life is, and we cherish every single second with you. A tangible Miracle that I hold in my arms, and I will never forget how blessed & lucky I am to be your Mama.

-I have always been told, you don't truly know the love you can have for a child until you have one yourself. This is so very true. I love you more than words can describe & more than you will ever know. I never take moments for granted with you, because I know just how precious they are. Those LONG first 27hrs after you were born, where I didn't get to see or hold you, it was SO hard on me. How you were literally fighting for your life with every breath, then the Drs coming in my room to tell me they had to intubate you and put you on a vent.. I remember pleading with God to please let you live, & to take me instead of you. Your Daddy & I also cried & prayed together that you'd be okay & you'd make it. Then seeing you for the first time under the lights, vented, tubes and cords everywhere, and bradying pretty badly was so very scary, I was worried you wouldn't remember I was your Mama, but as soon as I got to touch you for the first time, you grasped my finger so tightly to let me know you knew I was there. Then fast forward to the HUGE scare you gave your Dad & I a couple wks ago when your fontanel was bulging & they gave you a CT scan thinking you might have hydrocephalus, a mass, or an obstruction. You scared the living crap out of us, we were SOO afraid we were going to loose you. You need to stop playing these tricks on us baby girl. These moments were SO hard, but they remind me just how precious you are, just how precious life is, and how you are such a miracle. I'm sure you will question a lot of things in life, but how much your Daddy & I love you will never be one of them. We love you with all our hearts, and are so thankful you are a healthy,happy, beautiful 8 month old & just continuing to grow into the most amazing little girl.

2011 Update :) it's a LONG one!

2011-02-19T09:58:00.000+10:00

I'm still planning on putting our blog on private, I just haven't sat down yet to take the time to do it... so eventually I plan on doing it. So here is your chance to leave your email if you still want to follow :)

LOTS & LOTS to update on... First things first, we MOVED to Guam! It was a really long flight which I ended up getting super sick on, but LG did great & we were so proud of her! We stayed at the Marriott for 10 days while we looked for a house to rent off base, and get a car. We found a great house about 6 mins from the back gate of the base. It's off a dirt road in the jungle, but it's a diamond in the rough :) We LOVE it! It's a 3 bedroom 2 bath, 2200 sq ft with a gorgeous ocean view from the backyard. I LOVE looking out my kitchen window to the amazing ocean view, and all the trees and flowers. Oh & my kitchen is awesome, it has beautiful granite countertops, all new appliances, & brand new cabinets with lots of space! In our yard we have tons of Coconut trees, a lime tree, a mandarin orange tree, and a banana tree. The best part is that our landlord takes care of all the yard work!! We love it here, it's SO much better than Okinawa! Aaron also bought a Toyota 4Runner & he loves it. The 4wd is awesome on our dirt road, especially when it rains & gets super muddy!

Aaron just started ALS & so he will be doing that for the next month and will be super busy studying his brains off :) He is smart though and will do great! Soon after he completes ALS, he will pin on SSgt! Libby & I are just so proud of him! He loves his job here, and loves the people he works with. Guam AMMO really takes care of their people here, and it's been awesome so far! He actually gets home at a decent time too which is great! Keep up all the good work Honey!

Our sweet little Liberty- She sure has come a long way since we moved! She is the happiest baby we know, and is just the light and joy of our lives. She is either smiling, laughing, and stealing our hearts with every little thing she does, or she is terrorizing her parents with her LibZilla-ness lol. Aaron came up with the nickname LibZilla a while back ago when she had some serious issues with colic & her reflux <------ it was hell, the kid screamed for hours and hours on end NON STOP. Colic really is a heartbreaking thing, because she would just cry and cry and nothing we did made it better, and I hate feeling like I can't take away her pain. The colic is gone (WOOOOO!!) and her reflux has gotten SOO much better! She is much more active, and is always wanting to play, stand up (she can stand up without either A or I holding on to her, as long as she can hold onto the side of the couch) <--- she always gets the biggest grins when she does this, it's adorable. She has said Mama & DaDa about 3 or 4 times each in December, and we haven't heard it since. We know she can do it, she just doesn't. Which is where her Physical Therapy comes in & they come out to our house once a week. At her 6month check-up, the Drs discovered that she was pretty behind developmentally for her actual age, and that she was more along her Preemie adjusted age of 4 months. She is now 8 months old & is doing a LOT better, but is still struggling with her gross motor skills & is more along the lines of a 5 1/2 month old. So that puts her a tiny bit behind her adjusted age, but that is why she has a Physical Therapist that works with her :) She doesn't roll over (she can, and we have seen her do it a handful of times, but that's about it), no crawling & not really scooting either, not eating solids yet (she loves to taste, she just hasn't grasped the concept of swallowing yet & still chokes on the food), she struggles with her feeds, & still only eats 3-4oz a feed. They did a CT scan a wk ago on her brain because her fontanel was bulging & her head measurements had been skyrocketing on the charts.. It was the scariest 6 hrs of our life sitting there waiting to find out if she had a mass in her brain, hydrocephalus, or an obstruction which is all what they were looking for. Her scans came back NORMAL (THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO PRAYED FOR HER DURING THIS TIME, I KNOW with ALL my heart that EVERY SINGLE ONE of them worked!) but they still recommend we get a MRI of her brain, just to make sure, as a CT doesn't give a clear NO there isn't anything wrong, just a good basis that there isn't anything Serious needing attention immediately, which was a HUGE relief! Aaron & I can deal with developmental delays, feeding issues, and other things that we can work with, what we couldn't deal with was having something be traumatically wrong with her brain & loosing our precious little girl. I will update on the MRI when it gets here, but it won't be for a little bit, as she has to be sedated, and A just started ALS. So All in all, even though to all you Term Mama's it sounds like Liberty is REALLY behind & struggling, to us Preemie parents, it's more of the norm for her to be more along her adjusted age than her actual age. Normal for Liberty is what "SHE" decides, and it's all on her own time. Sometimes it's hard for people to understand this concept, and quite a few rude & hurtful comments have been said to A & I, but we are trying to take them with stride & not let the hurtful comments get to us. Easier said than done, (Aaron is a lot better at this than I). Liberty to us is PERFECT in every single way, and we love her more than any words could ever describe. She is such a blessing in our lives, and sure I wish it was easier for her on a lot of levels & I wish she didn't have to struggle, BUT I wouldn't change anything about her, because it makes her, Her. She has such a beautiful spirit, and is developing such a sweet & silly personality, and I LOVE and adore every second I get with her.

Oh & not to forget our HUGE shocker of a surprise..... Liberty is going to be a BIG Sister at the end of July!!!! We found out a couple days after we got to Guam that I'm PREGNANT! Baby # 2 will be here around July 20th-25th (when I hit 37wks) via a scheduled C-Section as I don't have the option of a VBAC & it's too dangerous for me to go into labor on my own. My actual due date is August 11, 2011. Aaron & I NEVER in our wildest dreams ever thought that we would be one of "THOSE" (all my TTC buddies know what I mean when I say it like this) couples that could get pregnant without having to bend over backwards trying to conceive.& you'll get pregnant" has never been more true. It just boggles my mind & to be honest, I'm still kind of in denial. I'm now 15 wks, and still as sick as ever. Stupid Hyperemesis, I really was hoping I would get lucky & not be sick this time around. I've lost 9lbs, and eating is a struggle for me. I'm no stranger to IV's & High Risk Dr. appts. I'm not seen at the AF clinic, they wouldn't even talk to me.. which puts me at Naval Hospital Guam for my care & have been told I'm their most high risk patient. I've already done the 1hr glucose (at 9wks)(which for some reason I failed miserably) so had to do the 3hr which actually turned into 6hrs because I puked & had to start over 3 times(I PASSED with flying colors!), the 24hr urine test (UGH.. I have to do another one soon, I HATE them, the part of having to keep it chilled in my fridge is just disgusting) <----- which my results for this test made me cry, because it was done for a baseline & sadly I am already spilling some protein in my urine(<--- it's just NOT fair, it feels like my body is working against me) <---- the protein already in my urine put my risk for getting Pre-E & HELLP again, a LOT higher than it was. Which is why starting next wk I will have to be seen EVERY single wk for the rest of my pregnancy & will most likely be med-evac'd BACK to Okinawa at 28wks just to be on the safe side since they have a level 3 NICU & Guam doesn't have a NICU(even though A & I WISH we would be sent to Hawaii). I also start to get an ultrasound every wk from now on to measure my cervical length as well. Aaron & I are so excited & greatful & just feel so incredibly blessed to be blessed with being pregnant again & safely in the 2nd trimester, but this time around it is also very stressful & I'm terrified. I want nothing more than a FULL TERM baby, but that actually happening is pretty doubtful & it just breaks my heart. My Dr. suggested I keep a pregnancy journal or find some kind of outlet to voice how I'm feeling & not keep the fear bottled deep inside. So I most likely will be blogging on here more about things & just want to give the heads up that I'm not always feeling upbeat, and I just don't want to give the vibe that I'm not greatful because that is FAR from it. I think it's okay though to be greatful for pregnancy, but that I don't enjoy pregnancy. I'm SO greatful for the end result, but all the madness in between & the puking 7-10 times a day, it's rough & I hope some of you can understand this.

The saying "It might be a CrAzY life, but it's our life" TOTALLY fits our life right now :) and even though it's CrAzY & just seems to get even more crazy, we Love our life, we are LOVING Guam, and most of all we LOVE our tiny little miracle babies <3

Going Private

2010-10-08T13:00:00.000+10:00

Due to recent circumstances, we are going to be putting our family blog on private. This worlds is just too scary of a place, and I want to be the one deciding who is able to see it and who isn't. Sooo, if you would like to still read/follow our blog, please let me know your email so I can send you an invite. I love all our followers, and hate that it has come to this... so please leave me your email!

15 wks old

2010-09-28T14:51:00.000+10:00

Liberty is now 15wks old (8wks adjusted) etting to be soo much fun! She is super smiley, giggly, happy for the most, adorable girl. We just love her so much.

She loves sucking things. It used to be just her pacifier but now she's obsessed with sucking her hands. (And then gets mad when her mouth isn't big enough for both of them -- lol). She's keeps breaking out of her swaddle at night before she should be waking up. Then she sucks madly and loudly on her hands. We wrap her up again and she breaks out again. (Sometimes she is soothed by the swaddle, but sometimes she treats it like it's a physical challenge & ninja chops her way out. "Gotta get to those hands!" She seems to be thinking. I guess eventually we'll have to stop swaddling her.

She still is not sleeping through the night, and oh man, I just would like her to sleep for more than 4hrs at a time. I think maybe it's because her tummy just isn't big enough yet since she still is only drinking 3oz a feeding, sometimes 4. I have heard a lot of babies her age are eating 4-6oz bottles a feeding though, so it does make me worry. She sure is chunking up though, she now weighs 12lbs 4 oz... which is 3times what her lowest weight (4.4) she was when she was in the NICU. Which that puts her into the 28th percentile on actual age growth charts! WOOO for Libby! She has officially outgrown her Newborn clothes this week, and I honestly cried when I was putting them all away. It seems like just yesterday that she came crashing into our hearts.

Developmentally though, even though the Pediatrician said she was right where she should be for her actual age, I think she is actually more along her adjusted age developmentally-wise. Guess we will just have to wait and see with other things.

Her Zantac seems to be helping her a lot more. She still spits up here and there though at least once a day. One thing I think is cute is when she laughs after she throws up all over you. I guess it's her way of saying "sorry for ruining your outfit." She also laughs before she spits up. It is like she is scheming! She sure is a ham. She sure is developing this adorable personality, and you can't help but smile when she smiles, coos, or laughs.

One thing I think is cute is she will be eating and she'll look up at me, un-latch and just start smiling at me with this huge goofy grin - then she'll go right back to eating. Lol - it's so adorable. She is the cutest ever, and we are having soo much fun with her!

11 wks old :) also a long post

2010-09-02T17:57:00.001+10:00

Our little angel is now 11 wks old! Oh how time is just flying by! Besides the fact that Liberty is just getting cuter and cuter by the day (or by the minute lol)(it's amazing to me how I can lay her down for a nap, and the next time she wakes up I swear she is a tiny bit bigger, sometimes I can even see here cheeks are bigger, or her little legs that are just starting to get some real chunk on them) she is also getting to be a Lot more fun. Don't get me wrong, she has already been lots of fun, but she is also A LOT of work. Now that she is on the Alimentum, our screaming nonstop for hours, fussy, constipated baby is now HAPPY & SMILEY as can be! Oh and sleeping lots too! For the past few nights, she has even slept an almost 5 full hour block :) Cha Ching to our sleep bank haha! Seriously though, the extra sleep is NICE! Aaron & I are actually able to sleep in bed at the same time now, and it's awesome! Before LG would either be up screaming her head off or wanting to be held all night long, and the only way she would sleep was laying on your chest on our sectional... so this is a HUGE improvement! Aaron got really good at hogging the whole entire bed though, so he is adjusting haha.

What Liberty is doing now :)
•She can lift her head to a 45 degree angle, and man she is good at it too! I have been sporting a nice little sore on the inside of my lip because she likes to headbutt me. Aaron is proud because he says she is training early for soccer. She will look all around, turn her head left and right and she likes to tilt it backwards and stare at the ceiling too. She does a lot of staring at the wall behind us when we are holding her, and sometimes it creeps us out because we wonder if there is something behind us haha.

•My all time fav... SMILING! This girl is a smiler, she is only 2 1/2 months old and she is already having us at her beck & call.. all she has to do is smile and we cave. It makes those oh so late night feedings soo very worth it, when she cracks that full gummy grin. Oh it melts my heart. She is also a camera Ham, we say "can you smile for the camera" and she will smile, it's precious. My fav is when she wakes up and I pick her up and she smiles like she missed me tons and tons. The other day I was singing I am a Child of God to her while rocking her to sleep, and when I got on the "parents kind and dear" she looked up at me and smiled the biggest smile. That or when I tell her "Mama loves you" and she smiles, it's the best feeling in the world. I would have given anything in the world to be a Mom, and I almost lost my life bringing her into this world, and so these little moments make every hard part worth every second. When she was in the NICU, the first time I got to see her, I said "Mama loves you" and that's the last thing I would say to her everytime we left the NICU... so it's just amazing to me that everytime I tell her now, she will turn and look at me deep in the eyes and smile.

•She tracks our voices. When she hears her Dad come home from work everyday, her whole face lights up and she will fuss until he comes and picks her up. I think she is a mix of both a daddy's girl and a mommy's girl. I love how if she hears me talking, she will turn to find me if I'm not holding her.

•Today, September 2nd, she started playing with the toys on her swing. She kept trying to grab/swat the little animals that hang. She was cooing at them and trying to swat it, it was so cute. She also started playing with this elephant lovey. She loves feeling how soft it is, and keeps trying to chew on it's ear lol.

•Pushes down with legs when placed they are placed on a hard surface.. like she will try to stand, and she thinks she is so clever when she trys.

•Raises head and chest when put on tummy... and this girl loves laying on her tummy. when doing tummy time, she will usually try to eat the floor lol. She aslo loves just being on her tummy and wants to always take a nap when we lay her on our knee to burp her.

That's all I can think of right now :) She is so much fun, and I'm loving seeing the changes that she is making every day!

2month checkup ...(long post warning)

2010-09-02T17:09:00.000+10:00

So today we went to her 2month well baby check-up and got some AmAzInG news, and then some not so amazing news! Then Libby got her shots and did not like that one bit :(

Good AmAziNg news first... She weighs 9lbs 10 oz (when they were weighing her she peed all over the scale, bahaha, and of course she was so proud of herself for making such a mess and was just so smiley.. the girl loves being nekked lol) Then they measured her and she is now 21.1 inches long.. which remember that she was 19inches long when she was born. She is now DOUBLE & then some of her weight when she was born too. Which wahoooo for Libby, it puts her into the 25th percentile on *ACTUAL AGE* charts :) AND.. drumroll, she is JUST where she should be developmentally for a 2 1/2 month old!!! Her Pediatrician was just so proud of her that she said Libby didn't need to be measured on the adjusted age anymore and that she wasn't going to use it for her :D Which Aaron and I were like YESSSSSSSSS!!! She also said that we had one of the most adorable girls she has seen.. I'm just saying lol :)

Alright, on with the not so good news. Liberty deffinately has a milk protien allergy & also has Silent Reflux. Poor girl also had a yeast infection (she just can't catch a break can she) I was really worried the Dr. was going to flip out on me for taking her off the NeoSure and putting her on Alimentum, but instead she praised us for doing so. We had said how we had spent almost $150 just trying to find the formula that would work for her & she said she was glad we kept looking :) I'm glad too because as Aaron puts it, the stuff is "Magic Juice" lol. So for her Silent Reflux they put her on Zantac which we are hoping helps, if not they said to come back and then we could try Prevacid. I'm hoping the Zantac does the trick though! For her milk protien allergy, she prescribed the Alimentum (signed us a nice little prescription so that WIC would pay for it all.. which saves us around $250 a month)(Alimentum is Hella expensive, it's like $28 a can & thats the small can!) So Liberty will now be a Full Formula fed baby which in all honesty, I'm pretty hurt about it. Granted I know it's the only thing she can have without being in screaming pain, but they Burn the whole "Breast is Best" motto into your brain in the NICU & everywhere else, so I just feel bad that she can't have it. Which leads me onto the part where I'm now going to try to stop pumping and my boobs are effing KILLING me. Any tips would be nice if anyone has had this issue & some encouragement that formula feeding is Okay too. I had planned on breastfeeding Libby for 12 months at least.. and my plans got shattered... so I'm just a little sad.

Libby did pretty good when she got her shots, she screamed her head off for the first one, and then for the next two she looked at Aaron & I with the saddest eyes I have ever seen and wimpered. It seriously broke my heart, and I will admit, I made me cry. She has been pretty cuddly since, but mostly just wants to sleep. When we got home, she chugged a 100miL bottle and went right to sleep. Poor girl, I felt so bad having to hold her down, it was miserable:( She's been sleeping for 5hrs now, hope she feels better when she wakes up!

I will post all her happy stuff in the next post, as this post has gotten SUPER long.

Update to Typhoon

2010-08-31T18:27:00.000+10:00

Seriously, it was LAME!! There was all this huge hype and everyone was FREAKING out about it, and it ended up being just like a normal windy rainy storm. I think we have had plenty of thunderstorms here that were much worse. So yeah, all our family and friends in the states, you can rest assured that Aaron, Libby, & I are perfectly safe, and sound over here in Okinawa. Honestly, I slept through the whole thing!

Typhoon Kompasu

2010-08-31T00:14:00.000+10:00

Well we got woke up this morning at 2am when the Recall came through telling us that we were now in TCCOR 1 which means Aaron is now off work!!

But no, really what TCCOR 1 means is that : Destructive winds of 50 knots or greater are anticipated within 12 hours. DoDDS schools will close at this time. Fill any containers you can use for water storage. If you live in low lying quarters, make arrangements to stay with a friend. Make final check of food and other supplies. All nonessential personnel will be released to their quarters at this time. Base exchange, shops, Commissary, Shoppettes, Gas Station, Services facilities, Clubs, Restaurants, Recreational Facilities and Post Office will close. Movement about the base should be kept to a minimum. SFS will enforce "essential vehicles only" policy.
Soooo, outside right now just looks pretty chill actually, but off in the distance there are some black clouds rolling in, and they are rolling in pretty fast. It's expected to be here by 3pm this afternoon and right now it's 7am :) Aaron is sleeping in, and LG & I are just chillin. We will keep you all posted :) It essentially was just a tropical storm, but then it changed to a Cat 1 Typhoon, and Now it's a Cat3 Typhoon!!

Update to last post :)

2010-08-29T17:19:00.000+10:00

So after lots of researching on the web (oh what would I do without google), I decided to try Similac Alimentum...Let me just say that OMG it's been amazing. She has only had it 4 feeds now & I hope I'm not going to jinx it, BUT wow, she hasn't done ANY of the things I posted earlier. She is happy, smiley, not crying, and sleeping! She even slept for 4 1/2 hrs straight, woke up for her feeding, smiled during the whole feeding and then went back to sleep an hour later and has been sleeping for 3 hrs. It started working immediatly too, because after the first time I fed her she was sooo smiley and stayed awake for 4 hrs or so just smiling, she was content for a while in her swing, fussed a tiny bit when she was obviously getting tired but NOTHING like her colicky screaming nonstop for hours. Then she went right down when I rocked her to sleep, and honestly, it's been amazing. She hasn't been waking up screaming in pain either, which is a new start! I have gotten more sleep today than I have in weeks, and it's all thanks to Alimentum. She hasn't had one brady episode, or choked during any of her feedings either, which is a HUGE improvement as she was choking at least once during every feed. It's like she did a whole 180 and is a completely different baby :)

Turns out a LOT of preemie babies have the EXACT same problems with NeoSure. I had posted the last post I made on a preemie forum that I'm apart of, and I had tons of Mom's emailing that I was describing their baby to a capitol T, and that once they switched formulas that it made a world of difference. I was REALLY hesitant to try Alimentum just because we had tried a few other formulas and failed miserably with each attempt, and I was weary of putting Libby through yet another change & because the stuff smells horrible... but turns out she likes it, smiles while getting fed, and is just as happy as can be. What I don't understand is why Similac doesn't fix this problem with the NeoSure, when sooo many babies seem to be in pain from it. I didn't get the Okay to switch her off the NeoSure from her pediatrician, because I couldn't get an appt sooner than next week.. But I did call the NICU and talked to one of the Doctors there and she said that even though she couldn't really give me medical advice because LG isn't her patient anymore, that she thinks LG has silent reflux and that she would probably need to switch formulas to a hypoallergenic one. Oh and that her reflux was probably causing her to have the brady episodes as well.. which I now 100% believe now. Soo I don't want to jinx this new found success, but I really think that we found the answer to her problems :)

Feeling Overwhelmed..

2010-08-28T20:12:00.000+10:00

This is how LG looks after every feeding...

It's 3am and I'm feeling super overwhelmed. What we thought was helping (similac sensitive) turned out to NOT help her at all. Liberty is REALLY colicky, gassy, won't poop unless she has a suppository, still brady-ing during feedings (which honestly just puts me over the edge because I just don't understand why she is STILL having them), screams after feedings, and I have had maybe 6hrs of sleep in the last 36hrs which the lack of sleep/and stress from all of that is not helping me with my milk supply that I am still loosing as well despite taking Fenugreek and trying to pump every 2hrs. Ugh.. just Ugh..

She has an appt. next week which I'm hoping we can switch her from the NeoSure because I'm pretty sure that's whats causing a lot of her discomfort. That & we are pretty sure she has Silent Reflux. I need some reassurance that it's going to not always be like this, because right now I feel like she is going to be screaming/crying/not pooping on her own FOREVER. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it. I'd love to hear similar stories on if you switched from NeoSure to something else. I tried Similac Sensitive & it seemed to work a little at first but that did NOT work at all a few hours later and just made her even more upset, She did so so with GentleEase but was still having pooping problems & still seemed pretty uncomfortable... so any formula advice would be super nice.

Preemie Mom Woes

2010-08-22T02:10:00.000+10:00

Miss Liberty is now 10 wks old and just getting cuter & more fun by the day. I can't believe how fast time is flying by though. It makes me sad but excited at the same time because I can't wait for her to get a little bit bigger. I love having a newborn, but it's hard work & I'm glad this stage doesn't last forever. I'm really looking forward to her growing out of this preemie stage, and even though she is doing amazing, she still has some setbacks & those are hard to deal with. She is STILL having brady episodes at least once a day. They are getting a lot better & she recovers quicker from them & on her own, but sometimes it takes a little longer & it is SCARY. It's really hard on me emotionally. Seeing your child turn purple & hearing her cry afterwards because it scares her just kills me. I finally just broke down to Aaron about it last night because she had 6 of them in one day & she is "suppose" to be growing out of them by now. I'm so so scared that she is going to get ripped away from us & I just wish I could let that feeling/fear go. She means the world to Aaron & I, and I just can't imagine life without her.... so when she keeps having these brady episodes, it puts me on edge everytime & just frazzles my nerves. That first week when Liberty was in the NICU was probably the hardest week of my life, because she struggled soo much & wasn't breathing on her own, and was hooked to all these wires & had so many bradys & desats... so everytime she brady's it takes me back to that feeling of being soo scared we would loose her & I will just be sooooo thankful when we get past this stage & I don't feel like this anymore.

I feel bad because I don't want to feel like I'm wishing her to grow up too fast, and believe me we are enjoying every minute with her, but it will just be so nice when I don't have to worry about her breathing everytime I feed her. I constantly have tension headaches because I'm so stressed with these breathing issues, which isn't helping my milk production ( <----- another preemie gripe of mine, my milk production never did get very plentiful, which I am exclusivly pumping, but barely meeting her demands) which having to supplement in the NeoSure & giving her the polivisol drops (basically it's an IRON vitamin) makes her have the worst pooping problems where she is screaming in pain & we have to give her suppositories to help her with it... it just adds to a lot of stress. I will be SOOO happy when she stops having pooping problems, because I will admit I have broke down crying because it just breaks my heart that she has such problems and I can't do anything about it. We heard from another preemie parent to try supplementing with gentle-ease so we tried that & she started pooping on her own without help :) Then we tried using the NeoSure and big mistake, more problems. So when we use the NeoSure she has problems, and when it's the sensitive formula she doesn't. I'm going to ask her Dr. next week at her appt. if we can switch all together to that formula to supplement & just ditch the NeoSure. I switched her over to Similac Sensitive today & she is doing MUCH better.. the can was $24 but it made a HUGE difference. (Wic pays for all her forumla which is AMAZING because the small cans of NeoSure is like $15 & since it was Dr. prescribed, I'm hoping her Dr. will prescribe this other formula and she can switch over to that and get it paid for!!) Which speaking of breastfeeding.. I'm still bummed that I have to supplement it (for every 120 mLs we have to add a teaspoon of NeoSure into the breastmilk to make it 22cal) <------- having to do this makes me feel like even though I am eating healthy, that I still can't feed her without the extra help. It's just frustrating. Also.. Liberty was a Champion breastfeeder when she was in the NICU, but when she came home, she didn't want anything to do with it, and prefered bottle feeding. Which was okay with me at the time because I was only suppose to let her feed by breast 4 times a day, and then feed with supplemented milk 4 times a day also, so I just pump every 3 hrs a day. (yeah I feel like I am pumping ALL the time) I can't help but feel a little bummed/jealous/sad that I never did get the breastfeeding experiance that everyone else gets to have with their normal full term babies. When I was breastfeeding her in the NICU, there were always nurses watching (male & female) we were always having to watch her monitors & her to make sure we could catch it before she would brady, and so it never was a fun experiance, I never did get that bonding feeling, and since the privacy was never there, I just feel kinda cheated out of that experiance. She does feed once or twice a day by breast still which helps me to be able to keep them stimulated enough to keep up my pumping (8-10 times a day I pump)(which leaves me feeling a little like a Cow.)

Motherhood is AmAzInG & I am soo thankful I finally get to be a Mother to the most beautiful little girl, but it deffinately is not easy. I'm pretty sure that adding in Liberty being a preemie makes it even harder & sometimes it's just so hard because not many people understand why Liberty isn't doing some things that other 10wkers are doing. That's where the whole adjusted age thing comes in & it's so confusing because I never know what to expect. It's like well she is 10 wks, but technically only suppose to be 3 wks.. so which one do I go along with. The doctors all say that they don't expect anything more from her than her adjusted age would be, but that she can also go above that to what her actual age is. Getting confused yet? Hehehe, yeah we get confused all the time with it too! Everyone always asks us how old she is, and then when we tell them they are like Oh wow she is tiny, and then we have to say well she was born 7wks early.... I should just start telling people her adjusted age & then I won't have to answer all the questions about why she was a preemie & what not.

Okay I didn't mean to sound like I was complaining in this post, but I needed to get some of it off my chest.. and journaling it all down deffinately helped me feel a little better.

Aaron made SSGT!!

2010-08-20T01:47:00.000+10:00

I just want to give a HUGE shout out to my amazingly smart & goodlooking husband, Aaron! He made Staff Sergeant & is now Ssgt Select Aaron Parker :) Rank of an E5!! Congrats Baby, I'm soo very proud of you, I knew you could do it! He was so nervous about the test & said he didn't feel like he did very well on it. I on the otherhand KNEW that he had to have done a great job because for 1. He is very smart & for 2. I helped him study for hours for that test & he answered more than 80% correct. A lot of people don't make Staff on the first try, so BIG PROPS to Aaron! I'm soo very proud of my man!!

Liberty is 9 wks

2010-08-18T01:58:00.000+10:00

My sweet girl is 9 wks old now & just more than I could have ever dreamed of, hoped for, wished for, and more than I have ever wanted. She has made Aaron & I sooo very happy & I can't even begin to describe how complete life feels now. There were sooo many nights that I would cry myself to sleep from the fear that I might never be able to become a mother. The aching in my heart of how badly we wanted this, and just being heartbroken and torn to peices with every miscarriage, every failed cycle, every failed fertility treatment. It was such a long, long, extremely hard & windy road, so now that road is behind us & our lives just feel complete. It's hard to imagine what life was like without her, I mean Aaron & I had so much fun together as just the two of us, but life is just 100000 times better & just keeps getting better. I find myself thanking my Heavenly Father constantly all day long for blessing us with her in our lives.

Some things about little Miss Liberty.... First off, she is the love of our lives. Is my little cuddle bug & we take lots of naps together. She keeps us up all night (well mostly me, because Aaron has to work in the am, so I stay up with her so he can get some good rest) Sleep.. what is sleep lol!?! You don't need it. Since she is a preemie, she still doesn't sleep through the night & still wakes up every 3 hrs to feed. Some nights she likes to stay up ALL night (she did this in my tummy too) and just likes to play, coo, and cuddle. Which in all honesty, I don't mind at all. At first it was just exhausting.. I honestly don't know how all you parents with multiples do it, or with more than one child. Big props to you, because wow, having a newborn is Hard work! They sure did spoil Liberty in the NICU, because they would hold her all night long when we weren't there, soooo guess what? Yep you guessed it, she wants to be held all night long. She may be tiny, but she has a healthy set of pipes thats for sure lol.

She loves to Eat, & would just keep on eating if we let her. She weighs 8lbs now and is just the cutest thing ever... it's crazy that she has almost doubled her weight of when she was born. She is our little chunky bum & we just adore her. She is starting to get some rolls on her legs, and some on her arms & they are adorable.. oh and of course, the cutest squishy chubby cheeks that you will ever see. I find myself kissing them All day. I think one of my all time favorite things is taking a nap on the couch with her laying on my chest, and when she wakes up, she looks at me and just smiles... she melts my heart all day long & I find myself falling in love with her all over again about a billion times a day. She is really starting to get a personality & is always making the cutest/funniest faces.. I can't wait to see what her personality is like, and Aaron & I are always talking about what we think her laugh will sound like... Oh the fun things we have to look forward to! Life is GOOD <3

Tummy Time

2010-08-16T17:51:00.000+10:00

LG loves tummy time :) Wether she is trying to eat the floor, or smiling, she likes it! She is getting so good at holding her head up too!

Liberty's Newborn Pics

2010-08-11T01:33:00.000+10:00

Here are Liberty's Newborn Pics that we had done of her by our friend Kristi with KristiJamesPhotography.com Let me just say that wow, Kristi is AMAZING, she has such talent, & we are soo happy and greatful for doing them for our sweet girl. We are so so in LOVE with them! Liberty did such a great job & was pretty cooperative. Not to mention she is just absolutely beautiful in her pics. I may be biased because I'm here Mama, but seriously, she is one adorable baby girl! She is already 2lbs bigger than what she was when she had these pics done, which makes me super sad because it seems like time is just flying by! Anyway, big shout out to Kristi James, Thanks girl & we love you! We will cherish these photos forever, and are so happy to have them!

Hope you enjoyed them as much as we do :)

Oh & if you are in Okinawa, look her up. www.kristijamesphotograpy.com
Like I said, she is amazing!

She's HOME!!!

2010-07-14T14:44:00.000+10:00

She's HOME!!!!!
Life is soooo good. We don't get much sleep and we still worry about her ALL the tim (well Aaron doesn't worry as much as I do, he is always telling me to relax lol) But um of course I'm going to worry. I honestly do not know how people do it with twins, because wow this little girl is tiny, but so demanding. It's all worth it though & we are loving every minute of her. I LOVEEEEEE being able to hold her anytime I want, be able to love on her as much as we want without having to ask a nurse if it's okay. We finally feel like she is ours, and that we are parents, and it's just soo amazing.

When we went into the NICU on Sunday, the Dr. came out and I joked with not seeing him for a few days since he was off.. and how no news was good news I guess. He then said well let me go look at her chart, and I will be back with a plan. He left to go back to his office, and when he came back he said Soo how does rooming in tonight sound, and going home on Monday? I was said NO WAY, for real? He started laughing and said yep, as long as she does well tonight with rooming in, she can go home tomorrow. I of course started bawling my eyes out. After the few times of them saying she could "hopefully" go home in the next few days if she didn't have any episodes and then her of course having a Brady Episode, it all hit me at once that OMG she could be coming home with us tomorrow.

I called Aaron to tell him the good news, and we then went home to pack a bag (bahahaha, funny thing about this hospital bag.. it's the bag that "should" have been packed when I was "suppose" to go into labor at the end of July.. not the middle of July bringing home my baby from the NICU.) It was fun to pack the bag though, and Aaron & I ran around the house like crazy people trying to figure out all that we needed to bring. We were pretty worried that when we got back to the hospital, they would tell us she Brady'd and that the whole 72hr watch would start all over again... which of course when we got there we found out that she had in fact brady'd. I started crying, but then they told us that the Dr. said the rooming in was still on because it was only during a feed, and that it was a quick one where it barely had time to register on the monitor, so they said as long as she didn't have anymore, this one wasn't that signifigant. Soooo then started the rooming in & I of course got NO sleep. I was checking on her 24/7 and it was so nerve wrecking not having her hooked up to any monitors. I probably will be gaining grey hairs early from this whole NICU experiance. It's been INSANE and I'm sooooo thankful to have it over with. It sure feels great to have her home with us. It's amazing actually. More posts to catch up coming later, but as of now, we are just enjoying the time with her. Life is GOOD!!

You know you’ve been in the NICU too long when…

2010-07-09T06:28:00.000+10:00

You know you’ve been in the NICU too long when…

You can identify every alarm when it goes off and you know what it’s for.

You’re perfectly comfortable changing your baby’s diaper in the isolette.

Your baby’s nurse asks you to keep an eye on things for a couple minutes while they step out of the room.

A custodian asks you if you work there. (funny story I’ll write about later)

You’ve had 50 different nurses tend your baby.

When you call the NICU for an update they know your voice by heart.

You’re on a first-name basis with the front desk receptionists.

The lady who brings around the nutrition cart recognizes you in the cafeteria.

You’ve watched every movie in the parent lounges… twice.

Your preemie is there for multiple holidays.

you know immediately upon hearing a certain nurse has your baby that you are going to have issues during your daily visit. (BaHahaha)

you can look at you baby and see a destat/brady before the monitor has time to alarm and can tell the exact moment when it will stop sounding.

the cafeteria lady gives you the employee discount..

Full Feeds & No NG tube!!

2010-07-08T05:40:00.000+10:00

Overnight Miss Liberty went to full feeds! She is now nippling from ALL bottle or breast! Wahoo, my little girl is such a RoCkStAr! Now all she has to do is keep up with this great progress and not have any Brady episodes... which I'm guessing will probably be a while, but here's to hoping right?! The 72 hr clock has started :)

YAY she is 5lbs!!

2010-07-07T16:27:00.000+10:00

Liberty now weighs 5lbs.... wahoooo!!! She also went to full feeds today!! Now if she keeps up her full feeds (where she is taking all feeds by bottle/breast) for a few days, they will take out her NG tube that is in her nose!! Wahooo!! LG is growing like a weed & we couldn't be more proud of her!

4th of July

2010-07-06T06:09:00.000+10:00

Here is Liberty on her first 4th of July. We ended up spending the whole day/night at the NICU and didn't get to see the fireworks this year.. But that is okay because there was no place else we would rather be! Oh and quick update on LG.. we were able to give her a bath today and she might be getting her NG tube out soon!

2 wks old!!

2010-07-01T06:41:00.000+10:00

Miss Liberty now weighs 4lbs 10.7 ounces & is 2 wks old ♥

Success!!

2010-06-27T10:28:00.000+10:00

Liberty is doing GREAT! She is now deemed a Feeder/Grower and is a champ at breastfeeding :) I was sooo worried about breastfeeding her, that she wouldn't take to it well or that it would be soo hard, but she was a Pro! It was like she had known all along how to do it, and she went for 12 mins!!! They say that anything above 10mins is a good breastfeed! She latched on right away, and it didn't hurt at all. I honestly was amazed. Aaron thought it was pretty cool & we both are ecstatic. Liberty seemed pretty happy too. She only brady'd once, and that was because she was SOO eager to feed that she forgot to breathe. Our nurse said it's normal, but of course it worries me if she will do this when we take her home. They say they won't let us go home with her when she is still brady-ing so that makes me feel a little more at ease. Anyway WAHOO for Libby!!

The Dr. says if she keeps doing so well, she could maybe come home with us by next weekend! I'm trying to not get my heart set on anything and we don't have any actual dates yet, but it's hard to not get excited because we just want her home with us sooo badly. I know it's all on her time, and that is okay. However long it takes her will be okay with us, just sooner rather than later is what we are hoping. Either way though, She is our little rockstar :) I know she has been doing so great because of the outpour of prayers for her from all of you, so BIG thanks to you all again ♥

Goodbye Vapotherm!

2010-06-26T10:10:00.000+10:00

So it has been a few days since her Vapotherm tube got pulled, and I didn't really want to post about it before just because I didn't want to jinx it. But now I will post about it! Woot Woot no more Vapotherm!! I should be able to try breastfeeding tomorrow, I am excited but nervous all at the same time. I have heard how hard it can be to breastfeed a preemie, and I'm really hoping she does okay at it. Keep your fingers crossed for us that it works out okay. If not oh well, I will continue to pump for her and she can get my breastmilk through a bottle.

Wearing pants :)

2010-06-25T10:03:00.000+10:00

This is our sweet little Liberty in her first pair of pants. hehehe they are huge on her & they are preemie size, but still soo so adorable!

June 24th

2010-06-25T09:46:00.000+10:00

Not much new today, but we did get to hold her again which was AWESOME. I could hold her all day, but they wont let me. We can only hold her when we get to feed her, and then it's right back in the isolette. It is so so hard to hear her crying and not be able to just pick her up when I want. I want to hold her all the time and comfort her and I can't and it breaks my heart. She has brady'd quite a few times today and it's just so stressful, because everytime her alarms go off it scares the crap out of me and I start to worry even more. They say it's normal for how old she is right now, but even then it scares me. Aaron & I are trying to stay strong, and keep having faith that she will be okay, and the prayers everyone is saying is deffinately helping, I just know it! So thank you to everyone who has continually kept Baby Liberty & us in your prayers. We appreciate it so much.

Quality time with Dad :)

2010-06-24T09:37:00.000+10:00

First outfit

2010-06-24T09:31:00.000+10:00

LG is now able to wear clothes! Thanks to her tubes that were in her tummy are out, she now can wear clothes! She is so tiny that even the preemie clothes are big on her, but she soon will be gaining weight now that we are being able to bottle feed her! I soon hope to be able to try and breastfeed her, but for now I will pump and she can get it through a bottle :)

Open Isolette!!

2010-06-23T09:10:00.000+10:00

Miss Liberty is making big strides, she is now on 21% (the same % we breathe) on her vapotherm and is breathing room air!! Wahooo for LG! She now has the top off her isolette!!