I'm back!

I'm still here. I've missed a few thankful Thursdays, but I've been SUPER busy taking care of my 3 sweets, and running one business & starting another. I've had my business license for Brook Parker Photography for a couple months now (November it became official) but I've finally launched it into overdrive & so far, it's been amazing. I am LOVING it. Still have lots to learn, but practice makes perfect!

Hmm lets see, first missed TT was because that was the day of Presley's MRI that she had to be sedated for. Nothing could have prepared me for that awful day. Everyone said "oh she will do great" and while she was a trooper, she had a rough time with the anethesia and had some problems breathing coming out of it which landed us into the PICU for a few hours to watch her closer. The doctors & nurses kept telling me they wished all parents were as calm & collected as me. The raw truth is, that inside I was hurting, and my heart was so heavy. All I wanted to do was take my baby girl home and just hold her in my arms while Aaron held me, and just cry. Cry because life just is so not fair sometimes, and I HATE that Presley had to go through all that again. They had to give her a heavier sedation because she fought it every second, fought all of it. And I don't blame her.




It was just Presley & I at her MRI procedure & the EEG, because a few days earlier Libby had fell and bit her lip open and had to get two stitches.. and then our sweet friend that was going to watch Libby, her family all had the flu, and since we are new out here, we didn't have a backup. I took my camera with me, so that I could take pics for Aaron to see what went on & to put in Presley's baby book to show her later on in life just how tough she is. I may not be able to carry a baby to term, but man do I make tough babies. I've learned strength & how to fight from my girls. Truth be told, I hadn't even opened up the raw files from that day until now, because the emotions were still just too dang raw. Seeing/feeling Presley's tiny little body go limp, it was awful. I held her little hand and then her hand just fell, and the pain that comes from that feeling is awful. I can't describe it, but while I sat in the waiting room, a code blue was called for an infant & I panicked. Turns out they had a new announcer that day & she got the section wrong, so the code blue wasn't in imaging, but Presley was the only baby back their getting an MRI & they had brought a crash cart along when they wheeled her in to get her MRI, so I was all sorts of shaken up thinking it was her. Then she had problems and was satting at 82 & they had her on oxygen & it was just an awful experience. I just pray and pray that our little family doesn't have to ever do that again. Having left the NICU with my 2nd NICU graduate, I thought the monitors were long gone... and then they were back. SHutters. I have nightmares about monitors.


The 2nd TT post that I missed, was the monthly MOD Project Baby meeting & by the time I got home and hung out with Aaron, I was too exhausted to blog. My hands were exceptionally tingly that day I remember.. which leads me to the big elephant in the room again, still no official 100% diagnoses. Still waiting on my body to have another "episode" to make it 100% official, and I'm still trying to bank on that .1% chance that I don't have it. I've defied odds before, I mean seriously, WHO does have TWO preemies in UNDER a year. What are those odds!?! So hey, it's possible!

I've also been super busy doing a couple photo sessions every weekend, and it's been FUN! Busy, but fun. This sounds so cheesy, but I recently did a few maternity sessions, and I am 110% proud & happy to say that not one ounce of me thought of myself and not getting the chance for my own maternity pics. I thought going into it that it might sting a little, but I was ready to rip off that bandaid, and my honest feelings were, pure happiness. I was SO excited to do these shoots, and it was actually as weird as this sounds, sort of healing for me. I think that is why I love photography SO much. Because with every photo I take, the broken parts inside my heart are healing. Doing maternity shoots lately, it's been so healing for me. They don't know this, but it's true. Maybe it's because I'm able to give them something that they will cherish, and because it's something I always wanted but couldn't have, I make sure it's just that much more special for them. Super Cheesy I know, but I'm proud of myself. My heart used to get heavy and I'd feel the wounds run a little deeper when others would complain about all the little things that most take for granted in pregnancies, or all the talk about how amazing "Italy" is. Being "over it" would be an understatement, but I'm getting there, and I'm ECSTATIC about my newest development :) I wondered if I'd ever get to this point, where pure happiness for others reigns over my own hurt, and I've arrived :) Go me!

It's easy to get lost in the pain sometimes of the " would have, should have, could have beens" especially when there are so many daily reminders, but somewhere along the way, something changed for me. Instead of getting caught in the pain, I've embraced it. While my heart may never heal completely, and the pieces don't fit quite the same, my heart is SO much more full than it ever was before. Some mornings I just lay in bed with my girls and my heart just feels like it can't take any more sweetness, because life is just that good. I've been super busy with decorating our house (finally ALL unpacked!) and setting up a studio in my house too (which is a LOT of fun might I add). I'm also decorating Presley's nursery (purple, it's awesome! pics soon) and Libby has her own room too, but soon I plan on redoing her room too into a "Big girl room". Tear, Tear, Tears of sadness, because I will admit, I cried today when I realised I was looking at the TODDLER section on Carters.com to see what all they had that I could buy ahead for Libby. Libby still wears 12-18 months, but her 12 month stuff is getting small, and she is just growing into a little GIRL, she's not my little baby anymore :( SIgh, but she is SO fun, so even though it's bittersweet, I LOVE where Libby is at right now. Presley is getting to be less cranky (only crying 75% of the day now, YAY!) How I got so incredibly lucky to have two beautiful little girls and my handsome hubby, I don't know. I love where my life is headed. I'm busy with all these wonderful big plans and I'm thankful for personal growth. There is always room for that, and for that I'm thankful. I will post the pics to this post later :) THanks for keeping up with me! I'm also starting a photography blog as well, it's almost done but in the works, so bear with me!