Thankful Thursday :)

It's ThAnKfUl ThUrSdAy!!!
My heart really overflows with gratitude daily, and it's things like this that mean SO much to me. Sure it's just a coat rack with 4 jackets hanging, BUT to me, it's sweet. It makes me smile every time I come down the stairs and around the corner to the kitchen and see this view. To see Aaron's jacket, and then Presley's, Libby's, & mine... well it makes my heart sing. Those two tiny jackets in between our jackets, it's a beautiful thing! FAMILY is everything to me, and I'm thankful for my little family! I'm also thankful for those jackets that have little teddy bear ears, and lady bug antennas :) Makes life fun that's for sure!



This past weekend/week, we have all been sick with a nasty cold. Turns out BOTH Libby & Presley have RSV. Darn you RSV, I told you to STAY AWAY from my girls!! Presley even gets the synagis shots every month, but somehow she still got it. SIgh. I ended up taking her to the Urgent Care on Wednesday, then they sent us over to Phoenix Childrens Hospital immediately, because Presley was satting at 86, and they were REALLY worried about her since she brady'd while the doctor & both fed her at Urgent Care. Sure enough, RSV it was. Luckily though, Presley is SO tough, and she didn't have to be admitted. They gave her a breathing treatment, and suctioned her poor stuffed up little nose, and we got her to eat a 2oz bottle of pedialite (turns out sister LOVES grape lol) and she didn't brady while we fed her, and quickly after that her stats started to get MUCH better. She was finally satting at 94-97 and the dr said we could take her home as long as we kept an extra close watch on her (DUH! like we don't already) They said we caught it super fast though, and thanks to my awesome mom instincts, we didn't let it get out of hand :) Always nice to hear when people think I'm a great mom, because I sure do try! I felt super horrible that I thought about taking her in at 3am Wednesday morning, but didn't because her breathing wasn't rapid & she wasn't having retractions... but come 10am she was.. Sigh, she was smiling though so I figured if she was smiling, she was okay. HAha yeah right, when I got to PCH, the doctors were amazed at how she could be so smiley but be so sick. She'd choke on a feed, brady, and then smile when it was all over with. Silly girl! It's nice that she can be smiley, but she has been pretty cranky too. The thing that is most worrisome is that she can appear to be okay since she is smiley, but can be sick sick at the same time, she hides it well. That scares me. She's the only kid I know that can be pretty sick and still be super smiley. They were amazed at how well her lungs sounded even when she was sating at 86, said she is one tough baby :) then the dr said "it's a preemie thing" and I just had to smile, because every preemie I know is rock solid tough too :)

Here are some pics on Tuesday, she is on day two of RSV here & not looking sick at all:



LOL


I wrote last week how thankful I was for all the little finger holding moments and how they make my heart melt... well I finally remembered to get a pic of her doing it recently :)

I'm thankful for baby toes too. Oh how I loveeeeeeeeeee baby toes! Presley's feet are TINY, and I just love them! Libby likes to tickle them and make Presley giggle, which is the sweetest thing to watch.

I'm thankful to be able to cherish all the little things, and for the knowledge on just how important the little things are. I always want to be able to remember all the tiny things about my girls that make them special, beautiful, and unique. I LOVE Libby's eyelashes, they are so perfect, and so long. Definitely did NOT get that from me lol. I'm jealous, I wish mine looked like that! I love her chubby little cheeks, and I am thankful that I get to kiss them whenever I want. I'm thankful for all the kisses she gives me. She will be playing, and just out of the blue will stop what she is doing, just to come over and give me a kiss. It's precious. She has recently learned how to blow kisses, and it's so sweet. She blows kisses to me when I put her down for a nap, or bedtime, and it melts my heart. How we got so lucky to have such a sweet girl, I just don't know.


I'm thankful for Pandora, for music. It makes me happy. I'm LOVING pinterest lately, and have been making SO much stuff from all the ideas I've been getting! I'm thankful to have some sewing skills. Today I made pink curtains for the girls' rooms, and they are SO cute! Libby saw them and said YAYYYYYYY :) I also made a crib rail cover, because Libby thinks she is a beaver and needs to chew the crap out of her crib?! So I made some padded pink covers, and I'm hoping this works! It sure can't taste good, so I have no clue why she chews on her crib? Yuck! I bought fabric to make some cute baby shoes, some dresses, some pajamas out of the SOFTEST fabric I've ever felt... and I'm currently working on a quite book for Libby too. I'm thankful to have some crafting skills, and am having fun making all this cute stuff!

I'm SUPER thankful to have Aaron home for a few days off this week, it's been SO fun! The girls are loving having their daddy home, and are having a blast playing with him! It's been really nice, and I always love when he gets some days off!

Merry Christmas!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS :)

We had an amazing Christmas! It was wonderful having ALL 4 family members home together, as it should be during the holidays! Seeing the wonder, the excitement, and the awe on Libby's face this year was truly wonderful. I LOVED every single second of it. In fact, on Christmas Eve, Aaron and I could hardly wait till morning for Libby to come down and see her new kitchen that I spent HOURS on, and to see all the fun stuff we got her! I was excited for Presley too, but since she is almost 7 months old, but pretty much acts like a 3 month old, well we weren't expecting her to understand any of it... but to my amazement and delight, when we gave her first doll to her, she LOVED it, smiled the famous ginormous Presley smile, and held on to it for dear life. It was SO sweet.

We made Libby a Kitchen and she LOVES LOVES LOVEEEEES it! I got the idea for the kitchen on Pinterest, and looked high & low for an entertainment center, but all the ones we found were either REALLY dirty, way to over priced, or smelled horribly of smoke (which is a NO GO with preemies).. so I didn't think it was going to happen. But then we ended up getting a killer deal on the little kitchen from target (circo kitchen to be exact) & then we added another cabinet to the side to make the fridge. Then sanded, primed, and painted a dark purple (which dark purple is a HARD color to paint! It took SO many coats of paint!) All the extra knobs/hooks came from lowes. It was a lot of fun picking out fabric & putting it all together! Definitely worth the hard work & time, because Liberty LOVES it :) Santa also brought her a huge thing of fake food for her kitchen (which she cooks in ALL day and tries to feed us her fake food all day long lol). A Mrs. Potato head, a Stella doll which she LOVES, she loves to point out it's belly button! A picnic basket & teacup set that interacts with her, she loves that. Clothes, a new toothbrush which she let out this huge YAY over, it was so cute! Her cousin Katie got her a build-a-bear gingerbread girl, and she LOVES it. ( THANK YOU AMY & Katie, what a thoughtful gift, and she loves it!) We got her this little etch a sketch, and a doodle pad thingy, and she loves those too. She is SO into exploring/learning that those kind of things she just can't put down.

Christmas was SO much fun with her this year, and I'm not going to lie, I am SO excited for the Christmas's to come. Because as much fun as I thought this one was, well I know it's just going to get better & better every year! Next year should be WAY fun with both the girls being a little older, I can't wait :) Most of all though, it was just a humbling day for me. Not because of the gifts, but because the feelings I had, remembering the true meaning of Christmas and I just felt SO grateful for everything. I'm SO happy Aaron was home with us this year, he was gone Christmas before last on his deployment to Afghanistan, so every Christmas we get to spend with him home, I cherish. He's most likely cross training into a job where he will deploy a lot more, so I'm just thankful for the holidays we get with him! It was a humbling Christmas for me, because last Christmas night, I spent the night in the ER in Guam, being told I was miscarrying Presley since I was bleeding. A lot can change in a year :) and I am just so thankful she stuck around and is a part of our family. She made our family complete, and I'm just so grateful to have TWO baby girls. I'm grateful we were able to spoil our little angels, and for being able to have the nice delicious home cooked meal we had too. I made a Roasted Chicken (in my deep covered baker) complete with yummy mashed potatoes, green beans, gravy, & delicious dessert. We sure are blessed! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, we sure did, even if we all were sick :)

Here are just a few of the MANY many pictures I took :) Enjoy!

Thankful Thursday

There are lots of nights where I lay in bed for hours waiting for my brain to shut off so I can sleep. It seems like just as I get to sleep, Presley is awake. Must be that baby radar where they "know" you're about to sleep. Anyway, this leads to me having lots of time to think. Which isn't always bad, but isn't necessarily always good either. Ive spent countless hours worrying, about WAY too many things I can't change. Last night was no different.

Sometimes life gets so crazy and it's easy to get caught up in all the trials and really forget to sit back and think about all the blessings we have. Aaron jokes about my love for pinterest, but I keep seeing this quote, about thanking God for the things we have today, and it always helps for me to keep things in perspective. So I'm going to start a trend with myself/and my blog on focusing more on the good :) I think of the little things ALL the time, but I don't voice it as often as I should. So I'm going to do a "thankful Thursday" where every week I will at least once write down all the new little things I'm grateful for.... I'd love for it to be everyday, but that might be a little too overzealous for me lol. Some of the things that are most on my mind lately, but I know I'm forgetting A LOT, hence having thankful Thursday every week :

I'm SO thankful for my girls. They are my whole world & I wake up EVERY SINGLE DAY just feeling so blessed to be their mama. I was born to be a mom, and I'm so glad A & I kept trying. We all know I could write about my lovely girls till my fingers ache so bad they'd just fall off, because I'm just that grateful they are mine. It's still so surreal to me that A&I have two babies, and that we had two in under a year. I'm having SOoo much fun with them and I truly feel that everyday gets better and even more fun than the last. A lot of people think that because I had two preemies, that I'm ungrateful for all the blessings that I have and I'm "jealous" of what I missed out on in the whole Term Birth experience. But the truth is, I don't feel like I'm missing out, sure it's hard & there are days where I see both my girls struggling, the delays, the unknown with Presley, and wonder WHY them, WHY can't it be easier... BUT those doubtful moments, they don't last long. I remember how HARD Aaron & I worked for them, and the blessings FAR out weigh the hardships. I'm honestly just THANKFUL that I'm even a Mom. With my struggle with infertility/loss, I felt like that might never happen, so now that I have TWO, I'm just blown away they are mine. It about knocks me to my knees to look down the hall and see a crib in each room. Sure it didn't happen the way I had planned, but they are MORE than I have ever dreamed of, and the hardships just make me that much more grateful. I've made friendships that I never would have, had my girls not been born preterm. I've LEARNED SO much. I'm still learning mama-things, and Lord knows I'm definitely not perfect (far from it), but I have learned so many life lessons being a Mom of two preemies, that I might have not learned otherwise, and that I'm thankful for. So, as weird as this sounds, I'm grateful for my trials. I don't necessarily feel like its fair all the hard things I've been through, but they have made me strong. Stronger than I ever thought I could be. I know that no matter what happens, I have faith that it will get better... and it always does. Tough times don't last, tough people do :) Just because it's hard, doesn't mean that I'm bitter. I'm not. I admit I use to be, and sometimes my heart gets heavy when thinking about everything, but I've arrived to a new place in my life that I have accepted it, and I'm moving on. Could have been/ Should have been... well it's all worked itself out, and in the end, I won. Life isn't about all the big moments, it's about all the little things, THOSE are what make the big things. I have SO SO many little things to be thankful for, (I have big things too) so I feel like my life has hit a jackpot :) I feel SO lucky to have my girls, my health, my hubby & the close relationship we have, so all those little hangups in between, they don't mean much to me anymore, because I have what counts!

My little Libby Lou who, with her curls and those beautiful sparkly baby blues that just dance when she smiles & laughs. That smile of hers, that laugh that just warms my soul even on the darkest days. She makes my heart sing. Watching life through her eyes is incredible and she teaches me probably more than I teach her. I love how everything is humorous to her. Like last night, it was super late & she had a nightmare so I brought her into bed with me. She laid right down next to me and somehow we ended up both getting the hiccups at the same time and she'd laugh hysterically every time we'd hiccup. this went on for a good 15 mins. It was late & I was so tired, but those full belly laughs made every single second worth it. It's those moments I will always remember, those moments that I cherish. She is always so giggly, and I love it. I'm thankful for every second I get with her, because I know how precious every second is. Even if she is throwing a ginormous tantrum, that reminds me she is developing the way she is suppose to lol, and I'm thankful for those milestones.

I'm thankful for my precious Presley. She makes my life complete. She is not an easy baby by any means, and screams/cries 90% of the day, but that colicky time she makes up for with the most precious smiles. Those scarce smiley cooing times of the day, they make every single second of her crazy tyrants worth it. I'm thankful for the knowledge that she won't always be this unhappy with reflux, it will get better eventually. Sister sure does know how to pitch a super fit, but she knows how to put on the charm too with that full open mouthed ear to ear smile that will leave you melting. Those pristine sharp blue eyes, they are so beautiful, but wise too. She reminds me of an old soul, like I've known her before, and I swear sometimes I've even caught her winking at me. She just has this way about her where she knows, she is just wise. I see her sitting there with those little plotting hands, and that serious look on her face, and I just have to smile. She is going to give me a run for my money I'm sure. She has these rosey cheeks that are so soft, and I can't resist kissing them. Im thankful for all the times I hold her when she sleeps, and her little hands grip my finger. It's one of those perspective things, where something so small can take up all the room in your heart. I look at Presley, and see perfection. I know she is delayed & may have neurological & hearing issues, but that's not what I see when I look at her. It doesn't make me love her less, but maybe more. I don't mind the crazy/ or the hard, or the trials, because it's not what defines her or my love for her.


I'm thankful for my Hubby. He truly is my best friend. Sometimes we argue, but marriage is work, and I understand what my mom said about having to work everyday. It's work I don't mind though, and I love what our relationship has grown into. Most of all though, I'm just thankful to be married to my best friend, to have someone to share everything with. I'm thankful for our almost 6yrs of marriage, and looking forward to eternity. I'm thankful for the gospel and knowing what that really means. It's a great feeling & I'm so thankful to him for giving me our precious girls. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, and I couldn't really think of anything, because he has already given me SO much. He provides a wonderful roof over our head, delicious food on our table, and a snuggly warm bed at night. That's a lot more than a lot of people have, and all the extras he provides, I'm so grateful. I'm thankful he is such a hard worker, and is so good at his job. Not only that, but that he is a trust worthy worker, and that people can count on him. That's an honorable thing, and I'm very appreciative of what a great solid hard worker he is. His work ethic is amazing & is a much desired thing. His boss's have always had great things to say about him, and I'm thankful for that. Thankful I don't have to worry about him doing something stupid and loosing his job. We've seen a lot of stupid things done where people lost their jobs in the military, and LOTS of people kicked out, and he has never been apart of that, and I'm proud of him. I'm thankful that he is so selfless that he would gladly deploy again. While I don't really want him to deploy, it's honorable that he wants to, and loves defending his country, and I love that about him. I love watching him with our girls, and how he treats them solidifies my love for him daily. He loves his girls, and his girls adore him :) I love that I still get butterflies, I still think he is SO handsome, and I'm always wondering how I got so lucky to have him as my husband, and the life that we have together with our two girls. Blessed, very blessed.


I love how both girls rub my arm while taking a bottle. I love when Presley grabs so tightly to my finger, it takes me back to the NICU days where we couldn't hold them, and the first time touching both of them for the first time, was that precious finger clutch. It has SO much meaning and love behind it, and it makes my heart just overflow with gratitude everytime they do it. I love the arms wrapped around my neck, and kisses Libby gives me, talk about being blessed. I LOVE being a Mom. I love Libby's imagination these days, she sure is fun! I'm thankful for little tea sets, pretend food, and pretend kitchens.. they provide TONS of hours of fun for her, and for me too. I love just sitting back and watching her play. I'm thankful for my camera, it's been so good to me these last 6 years, and I'm thankful for all the memories I have been able to capture. My pictures I cherish, and I'm SO glad to have them all. I have thousands of pictures, but I know when each of them were taken, and I love every one. I love the stories behind them, and they make me happy. I'm thankful to be able to be getting a new camera, because my trusty D40 is starting to have issues from all the use/abuse I have put it through. I'm thankful for technology and how far it's come. Thankful that I can preserve all my memories on a huge hard drive, and not just huge stacks of photos.

I'm thankful for ServePro. They were able to salvage a lot of our household goods, and while some of the stuff I will never get back, they were able to preserve a lot. Sure it's just things, but they are MY things lol. I'm thankful for my nice bed... new mattress, but a good sturdy bed is doing wonders for my back, sleeping on the floor was not fun. I LOVE my kitchen aide mixer, it sure is awesome. I LOVE my crockpot, and how it always makes me feel accomplished when Aaron walks through the door from working all day & I have this great meal ready to eat! I like the feeling that I slaved away all day cooking, but I didn't :) Crockpot is awesome. I'm also thankful for my morning coffee, how I would get through the day without it I just don't know. I love the thoughts that come to me while I'm sitting on the porch in the morning, enjoying the quite and the beauty outside. However, it's been pretty cold outside (makes me miss the tropical weather) so I've been sitting at the table sipping while on Pinterest. I'm thankful for pinterest, who ever thought of it was genius. I love all the ideas it has, and I have made SO much off of there, and I love it! I love the recipes, and I'm afraid I'm not loosing weight as fast as I'd hoped because, well pinterest recipes aren't helping.

I'm THANKFUL for a lot more, but mostly, I'm thankful for all the blessings I have been given, and thankful to my wonderful Heavenly Father whose love never waivers on me. I'm thankful for faith, and that I know that faith & hope can get you through anything. The faith that everything is going to be alright, maybe not all at once, maybe not today, but eventually, and that is what keeps me going. I love the quote "Someday everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason." Here's to laughing and smiling, because it truly is the best medicine :)

How Infertility has changed ME

A lot of you have followed my blog and ME personally through the 4 and half years that Aaron & I spent TTC, our heartbreaking losses, and FINALLY bringing our sweet Liberty Grace into the world and then miraculously our sweet tiny Presley too. I have been through SO much in the last 6 years, and I have come to realize when to pick my battles. When it's okay to let things go, and when to stand up for things I think deserve standing up for. I know that I'm not always the nicest person and sometimes I too brutally honest that it gets me into trouble and people get their feelings hurt. Let me try to explain how Infertility, Miscarriages, and Having not one but TWO Preemies has changed my life completely.

No matter how many times I took my temperature, penciled sex in on my day planner and my husband & I had timed love making where we would try for that long week and would be so emotionally exhausted and sexually burnt out , or visited the fertility specialist, I still couldn't get pregnant, and then when I would FINALLY get pregnant, I'd only make it 10-11 wks and then my pregnancy was over. Then would start this vicious cycle over and over again on TTC for months and months and months which then turned into years and years and years. Until you go through something like this, you just can't understand. This is a sad fact I have come to realize & it's not like you want people to go through this tragic cycle of loss and infertility just for them to understand, but at the same time, that is the only way to truly understand. So then I felt like I walked alone for a LONG time. It's a sad, hard walk when you walk the infertility road alone. When you throw in loss, it's even more heartbreaking, and my one dream of being a mother seemed impossible.

Aaron & I were actually told we only had 1-3% chance of having a baby. We did fertility treatments, I took hormonal medicine, bought so many pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor kits that I should have invested stock in them, I paid yearly subscriptions to fertility tracking website, saw many different specialists, had painful procedures done and spent tons of money on fertility treatments that didn't even yield a pregnancy, did anything and everything to have a baby, and went through month after month, year after year of seeing that negative line on pregnancy tests and then crying my eyes out everytime my period started. This may not sound like that hard of a time to some people, but it was devestating for me. I wanted nothing more to feel a baby kick inside me, to know a mothers love, and to bring a miracle to life.. and for YEARS that seemed like it would never happen. I had many many friendships end over this hard time in my life, because a lot of my friends/family thought I was jealous of them/or couldn't be happy for them. This was never the case, I was ALWAYS happy for my friends/family, but that didn't mean deep down my heart was breaking. So while I was going through this hard time where EVERYONE was getting pregnant, having babies, some even had 3 in the time we were trying to have 1... I was made to feel like being sad was unnaceptable. That I didn't have a right to be upset, and that I was being jealous and selfish to not want to hear about their pregnancy every day. I remember making a few blogs about it back in the day and getting SLAMMED for it. I will admit, that while this was my own battle to face, I was made to feel like a lot of the time I had to face it alone, and that no one really wanted to know how I was feeling. I did have some great friends, but I lost a LOT of friends because they just couldn't understand. For me, everytime I saw a negative test, and then logged on to FB or went to church, or picked up my phone, or went anywhere, someone else was getting their positive pregnancy test, and everyone was pregnant and having babies. Even the doctors could not figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant, because I had PERFECT cycles.

It was hard for me, because I had such perfect cycles, I couldn't understand why I couldn't have a baby, when others that could. Sure I should have never thought who deserved it more than I did, but it was esepecially hard for me because my biological mother had 7 kids with NO issues... so I refused to believe that this was it for me. I have always known in my heart that I was meant to be a Mother, and not being able to be one was so hard. Heartbreaking hard, and it put HUGE strains on my marriage. Infertility has a way of putting this doubt in every little crack of your being, and really makes you question everything. Infertility made me feel less than a woman, unworthy and defective. Infertility has cemented my feeling of being defective. I use to wonder if God thought I didn't deserve a baby, why my womb wasn't good enough for a baby. What was I doing wrong? I'm very Type A, so controlling everything and NONE of it working was HARD. Then you throw in two premature births where my body failed me and man thats a whole lot of feeling very defective. I always felt like I was carrying around a weight around my neck/heart... and I felt like I couldn't be honest with people because either A) they didn't really want to know the truth or B) it was too harsh and it would be offensive. I felt and still sometimes feel like less of a woman because I can't do what women are supposed to be able to do. I hated treating Aaron as a sperm dispenser, but if we missed the schedule we might miss a baby.I'm still bitter at people sometimes. Women that get pregnant really easily that are unfit to be mothers still make me very angry. It's a tough pill to swallow that they get everything for free (pregnancy, doctor visits, delivery, etc.) that's costing us tens of thousands of dollars.. just for them to treat their children like crap and abuse them. For obvious reasons the parents that have kids and abuse them really rubs a wrong spot with me. It hurts. Being abused the first years of my life and watching my brother be murdered, it was rough, and to have gone through ALL of that to feel like I came out on top and then just to turn around and go through infertility/preemie issues, it was HARD. SO HARD. I've learned things that I wish I never had to know. I never got to be that naïve pregnant girl who never had to worry, got to eat what she wanted, got to complain about stupid random things because she just didn't know better, and then have a take home baby that she got to hold right after birth... I never got that, I never will.. so THIS is why it's still hard for me to listen to people complain. I was SICK sick during pregnancy, puking ALL day everyday, had SO many IV's that I look like a druggie with track marks on my arms, have scars all over my hands from blown out veins and most of my viens are shot. With my recent blood patch, I had to be poked 11 times before they could get a vein that didn't blow. I've come to think that instead of my body and I getting along in any way, we are constantly at war and I am on the losing end. I'm pretty sure my body hates me, and well the feeling is starting to be mutual. And the saddest part, is sometimes I have thought I've lost myself completely... I didn't know the woman I saw in the mirror. This person that was stricken with pain, bitterness, heartache, sadness... THIS wasn't ME! But then it was, this was the new me & no one understood me. The me that I hated but that infertility/ pregnancy loss had changed me to be, and I couldn't ever go back from that. Even now that I'm on a different path from infertility, I still hold scars in my heart from that time. Wounds that run deep. I once was told “be proud of your scars, they prove you Won!” I did win, I won the best gifts I could have ever asked for. My two girls, they were worth EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of this hard journey!

It's easy to focus on all of the negative ways infertility/having a preemie has changed me, but it has done a few good things... Aaron and I are so much closer and stronger both individually and as a couple. I'm so confident we'll make it through anything & we have.We survived years of infertility, and we came out on top, even with two premature births in under a year! I know how special a child really is. If I didn't go through infertility/premature births I don't think I would appreciate a baby. Or as much as I now look forward to a crying baby in the night and poopy diapers instead of complain.. I have more of an empathetic viewpoint. Even when it's not infertility/preemie related that somebody's going through, I feel like it's easier for me to understand people. Many people treated my infertility like a joke or that it was no big deal. Now if somebody I know is facing something that is major to them, I don't just blow it off. I offer support where I can, because everyone is fighting their own personal battle. I am thankful for realizing how important it is to listen to others and never judge. As hard as this journey was for me, I am proud to wear this infertility badge because I BEAT it. One of my most proud moments of being a Mama, had to have been this last July when we walked out of the NICU with our 2nd preemie, my miracle 29wker Presley, and she was graduating from the NICU. It was like a giant fist pump in the air to infertility, because I beat it & WON. I won BIG. This sounds lame, but infertility is like a cancer to your heart, emotionally the scars can be just as deep, and I hate that infertility has to be a silent issue that we have to deal with/ suffer quietly. We shouldn't let it be something that is a disgrace especially when one in eight of us suffer with some form of infertility, it should be something that we can share and learn and teach others about. So the next time someone feels uncomfortable talking about pregnancy with you, or you think that someone doesn't care/doesn't want to hear about your pregnancy, or is “jealous of you because you are pregnant and they aren't” Please PLEASE please, remember my story, and realize that maybe in fact they aren't jealous... just fighting their own battle, and it's HARD. It doesn't mean they aren't happy for you, because they are. I can be over the moon excited for someone, but at the same time feel like my heart is breaking at the same time. Even now with being a Preemie Mama of TWO preemies, some forget that I won't ever have a normal pregnancy or a normal birth, or a normal full term pregnancy and make hurtful comments. They aren't meant to be hurtful, but oh sometimes they really sting. Does this mean that I am not happy for all my term Mama's? No I LOVE that you have a full term baby, I'm happy for you that you didn't have to walk the hard road I did, and your baby is healthy! Does this mean I'm resentful to the termie after preemie Mama's... NO. To me, I feel like it is a HUGE preemie mama victory when this happens, and it makes my heart swell with pride for them. I love seeing the pictures of ALL my friends babies whether they are full term or termie after preemie, I LOVE it. Of course I LOVE all my preemie mama's and their preemie babies, there are some that I hold near and dear to my heart, and they are SPECIAL, because they are TRUE miracles. Please do NOT judge me as being someone who doesn't care or is resentful to term moms or termie after preemie moms, because that is SO far from the truth. Sure I talk a lot about preemie's because well, I have TWO. This is ALL I know. So of course I'm going to relate more to preemie than termies if that makes sense. Does that mean I love them any less? No. This is my personal story, and the reason why I feel the way I do..... hopefully some of you now understand my viewpoint.

Update :)

Where I've been...

First, well we MOVED back to the states! No more overseas tours until both girls are over the age of 6, so I'm sure we will be in Arizona for a while. So far Aaron loves his job & up until a few wks ago I loved our new house/Arizona... up until Libby got stung by a scorpion and that experience was pure HELL for the both of us... and well the fear & terror I feel every single day that my girls might get stung again is making it harder for me to relax & love our new place. We moved to a really nice neighborhood though, and have a pretty big two story house that I love, and life is starting to feel a tiny bit like life should feel.

Over the past few months I started having some weird and scary symptoms, so I went to the dr which then had an urgent MRI done, then spent the a couple days in the hospital because I started to loose vision in my right eye & I got diagnosed with a Psuedo Tumor ( I was like wtf a fake tumor!? And they all said no not fake, your body/brain thinks there is one there and gives actual symptoms. It was nuts)(I prefer fake tumor over real one though thats for sure!) Anyway, along with my fake-ish tumor, I also had spontaneous CSF leak, which caused my pressure in my spinal fluid to go super high, and I had to have a blood patch done after the spinal tap they did a few days prior. It was SUPER painful, But the headaches are all gone, and there is NOTHING worse to lay you down than a spinal headache. I felt like my head was going to explode, it was super painful.... but alas most my crazy symptoms are gone! They think because my labor/delivery with Presley was so traumatic that thats where my problems stemmed from. I have to see a Neuro-Opthamologist in the beginning of January, because the vision in my right eye hasn't improved, but I'm hoping that is fixable! I feel VERY blessed that of all the things that could have been wrong with me, that loss of vision in my right eye is all I have :) It was a scary week wondering what was wrong with me, and I was scared of all the morbid things. I always worry about loosing my girls, but never think of myself, so it was scary to think I might not be here to watch them grow up. I pray no one ever feels that fear or pain.

The GIRLS :) MY GIRLS :) (I still find such satisfaction in that small sentence) Presley is now 6 months old (WHERE DID THE TIME GO!!??!) and is getting super adorable and less cranky/colicky. She still cries about 90% of the day, but thats an improvement, so I will take it! She has quadrupled her birth weight (yeah little mama!!) not chunky or huge by any means, but huge to us. She still has some serious reflux issues and pukes A LOT, and that is mainly the reason why she is so cranky all the time. Poor thing, we don't blame her! She was switched to Neocate, a prescription formula, and a reflux med switch that has made a noticable difference. She also has her MRI that's coming up in January, but the GI was pushing for an earlier one, so we will see if it's earlier or not. She is having tiny seizures here and there, where she just goes blank for about a minute, so that is one concern. I just pray it's something that can be fixed with meds, and am really trying hard to not stress/worry about the possible Sturge Weber Syndrome diagnoses that they think she has. Sigh, I guess we will cross that road when we get to it. It's not like a diagnoses is going to make me love her any less. She has developmental delays, and just barely rolled over a few weeks ago! She can't roll from back to belly, but she did go from belly to back!! She's awesome :)

Libby- She will be 18 months next week and has changed SO much just in the time we have moved home from Guam to here. She is SO smart, and gets smarter/funnier by the day. She is SO close to walking we just know it, and I'm sure it will be soon, or at least we hope so! She is cruising while furniture walking and will take about 6-7 steps to Aaron or I before she crashes. It's SO cute :) She doesn't talk much, but she does have a few words beside Mama, Dada,. She says Hi, Hello, Baby, So pretty that sounds like “so pwettty”, kiss, No, Yes, and the cutest thing is that we say “I love you Libby” all the time to her, and she has recently started saying “you mama” or “you dada” every so often after we tell her we love her. It's precious. One of my favorite Mama moments was the other day when she bent down and kissed Presley on the cheek and said “you baby”. If that doesn't melt your heart, I don't know what will. She has the sweetest spirit. She may not be doing some developmental things, but she was recently re-evaluated by EI services, and the PT said she didn't qualify because she wasn't far enough behind anymore :) YAY!! She also said that Libby is doing some things WAY ahead of 17 1/2 month olds and said she is super smart.. but we already knew that right :) It's always nice to hear from a Dr/therapist say that you are doing an amazing job parenting, and that we are great parents. With both the girls' delays, it's hard to not wonder if I am doing it right sometimes, so their recognition that I am, well it's nice. She isn't really eating a whole lot more since I last posted, but she is trying more things so her gagging has slowed down a lot and her texture aversion is getting better we think! However her GI wants her to have a MRI on her spine soon because she still can't poop on her own without meds, and her swallow study test is on January 12. She is slowly getting better, and while it's not as fast as others would like, it's on Libby's time, and we are use to that, so we are happy with the improvements. Her smile can make my day instantly better even if it's been horrible, and my girls are my whole world. I am SO blessed to have them and their daddy in my life.

That is my small update :) My New Years Resolution is to blog more, so I hope to be more active in the blogging world in the next coming year, because I have realized its very theraputic :) Huge Photo blog to come soon too I promise. While I have been slacking in the blogging world, don't you all worry, I still take TONS of pics :)