I know that I should just be happy, & for the most part i am and believe me I AM very grateful for my miracle baby girls, but I won't lie, it hurts too. I've been pretty MIA from a lot of things lately, and the reason being is because reality is still pretty harsh. The truth is, I'm still dealing with all the trauma of the last few months, heck the trauma of two preemies in 1year, and seeing everyone else complain about stupid things just hits a sore spot with me. I've learned to tolerate ignorant comments and posts, to bite my tongue (which happens too often) and I've gotten pretty good at ignoring things that bother/annoy/upset me. I want to constantly remind someone how lucky they are that they are still pregnant, that each DAY & WEEK is a gift, even if you are in the homestretch, or heck how blessed they are that they are pregnant (guess the 4 & half years of ttc Libby makes that still a touchy subject) But instead I bite my tongue. I guess it's good that I don't say what's in my head, because I'm thinking some wouldn't handle the truth all too well.
Anyway I haven't updated the blog because I have been SUPER busy with life! I'll admit that I have also avoided putting my feelings into words, because it's not all been lollipops and rainbows... I've gotten a hair cut/dyed, been tanning, done some retail therapy, taken TONS of pictures of not just my kids, but of a ton of other peoples kids & families to see if I want to just keep it a hobby or something more (more on this subject later), played with my kids & loved on my hubby, visited with lots of family & friends, ate way too much food & have had way too much Starbucks....... And even though all of this has been lots of fun, I hate to admit but I did all the things I loved to do & that usually make me feel better and I threw myself into everything thinking or more so hoping the pain would go away, but the truth is, is that it's still RAW as can be. My heart is full but heavy at the same time if that makes sense. I've gone to write a blog post but never finish because I just hate how negative Nancy I sound and I delete it. I need to be able to have an out, somewhere to let it all out & not be judged & I just wish I had that. I miss blogging, because it feels so therapeutic, so here I am, halfway put together but still halfway picking up the pieces and seeing that they don't fit the same and they did before. I hope to one day be the inspiration to others that I know deep down inside I could be... I just need to move past the hurt which takes time, even though I wish I could rush it. However being a mama to TWO preemies, i know better, that miracles take time. It will have been 20 years this November that my brother will have been gone, and the tragedy of all that still hurts, but it reminds me that if I can put all of THAT behind me, then I can definitely put this preemie-nicu stuff behind me too. I see all of these amazing people using the hard things they were dealt to do good, & THAT is what I want to do. To use all of this negative energy and hurt, and turn it into positive energy to a good cause. Now that I'm stateside, I want to volunteer with MOD, to raise awareness about MOD, and I'm SO excited to start our own March of Dimes group in honor of Libby & Presley. The date is April 21st for my az chapter & I'm hoping to be able to raise a good amount to give back to the organization that their research saved both my girls lives. Anyone have any good fundraising ideas? Anyone who would like to be apart of our team, that would be great, just contact me for more details and how you can help. I want to also push for a law in honor of my brother. Anyone that knows the story behind this and the details, well you know November-December is a HARD time for me, and I'm sure that's one reason why I've been feeling so down lately too. So again, thank you to the ones who have been so supportive to me & my cute little family... And those that continue to read my blog even if I am a little PTSD like lately. I promise it really is something I'm working on, and im not ignoring that. I appreciate the slack that some cut for me and the understanding that I'm allowed to be a little hurt & upset. I can't promise my blogs will be pristinely happy but life us looking up that's for sure, and I can promise that I AM going places & I have BIG plans to hopefully make a difference & I have some big goals that I'd like to accomplish.
Again THANK YOU to the ones who have given me soooo much support and love & are seeing me through this hard time. I'm on the mend still, but I'm getting there and the love you give me has definitely helped. I still have so many raw feelings right now, but the good blessed grateful feelings FAR outway the bad raw ones, and I'm still sorta in shock that I have two beautiful miracles that are all mine & I love that Aaron & I were finally given the chance to be parents and am just amazed that we get TWO little girls! I promise to update with pics soon! I've been taking TONs but they aren't organized yet which is why I haven't uploaded them all yet, that and it's a couple thousand photos, so I'm in quite the unorganized photo pickle lol! We are also leaving for AZ on Wednesday and might be trying to buy a house (our life is a little crazy at the minute) but I promise to photo update soon!!!
3 comments:
You write what you need to write and do NOT be afraid of judgement here. Nice thing about the blog is you can delete any of the negative comments that any one makes. You NEED an outlet. You have been through HELL these last few years. If anyone is telling you to buck up and get over it, well they haven't been where you are and can only imagine the pain. One preemie is hard enough. Two in under a year and with just HOW traumatic Presley's was, shoot, I'm surprised you are sounding as positive as you are. I look forward to seeing your story though. I know you are a strong momma and you will overcome this. Maybe not this year or next but one day you will and you will transfer all of that negative energy and thoughts into those positive outcomes you want to create. Took me over a year to get to that point. Give yourself longer, you've been through much more than me. (((hugs)))
I lova ya girl! You know that! And vent away! I feel the same way about my blog...I feel like I am always complaining but then again I don't give a damn because on those hard days you need a blog to talk to that won't judge or give you useless advice. You've been through hell and back and I can relate on the micropreemie/hard fussy baby and a little slice of the infertility/miscarriage part and THAT was hard so don't even feel guilty especially when people that should be close to you don't support you. It's like the quote those that matter dont mind and those that mind don't matter. Love ya girl. I don't know if you got my message before I closeed facebook but my number is 435-669-0744 and my email is ashleyblake30@gmail.com Call me or email me anytime to chat!
It's your blog write what you want or need to :) it's one of he best ways to vent and I tell people don't read it if you don't want to it's my journal. I can't imagine what you have been through the last year. You are amazing and have a beautiful family.
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