Open Crib!!

That's right!! Presley was able to pop the top of her isolette today!! She gained 30 grams when they weighed her on day shift, so they decided to just pop the top and go to open crib! She has been holding her temp great, and hasn't had any issues so far, so we are hoping with fingers crossed that she will KEEP it open!! I'm just hoping that when they weigh her at the 11pm feed she will have gained weight. They usually weigh her at the 8pm feed, but they started to eval her and found that she had an 8mL residual (which is huge for her, and mostly because she was laying on her back all day. I don't know if I mentioned on here, but when she lays on her tummy or side, she never has residuals)(oh and for those that don't know what a residual is.. the nurse or tech takes a syringe, hooks it to her NG tube, and then pulls back on it to see the leftovers that are in her tummy. Some residuals are okay & normal, but a residual of 10% or greater is called into her Neo.) So since she had a big residual, they decided not to weigh her then and wait till 11pm feed, which is where Aaron is at right now. So I will update on her weight stats tomorrow.

She only had one big Brady this afternoon when I was there, but she picked herself back up and that was the only one I saw all day/night. She didn't even brady when I fed her at the 8pm feed :) I'm still bottle feeding her breastmilk w/added 24 cal, and she is chugging it all down super lickity split fast! She is now eating 35 mLs a feed. I'm pretty sure she could do more too, but they won't up her feeds for a day or two. Also her Neo said that they probably wont take her back to 3 nipples and one NG until she gains some more weight... so probably a day or two. All she has to do to come home is go to full feeds, gain weight, and have zero brady/apnea/desat episodes. She's getting there, and is just cruising! She's been on the fast track since before she was born, and we are just so SO proud of her!

I mentioned a while back ago that we bought Presley some preemie outfits from Carters.. and Oh my goodness, are they ADORABLE!! They are a tiny bit big on her, but seem to fit pretty well too, and I'm SUPER glad we spent the money and bought them! Sure the NICU has clothes for the babies to wear, but hardly any girl stuff, and it's all pretty old and used... so since Presley is my last baby, and we have so much stuff for her from Libby, we figured why Not? Ive been ridiculed for buying them since she will grow out of them fast, but the best thing about that, is that we are going to give them to the NICU when she outgrows them. So that way we are giving back, and it makes me happy knowing other amazing little girls will be able to look adorable too. This may sound silly, but Aaron & I both feel like we have just a little bit more control since we are the ones who get to decide what she wears, and it's one more thing that WE get to do. THat's huge for us, since we get to do so little in her care. Plus seeing her in crisp brand new Pinks & Purples, it makes everything fresh and pretty, and brings a happy feeling to the gloomyness of the NICU.

Oh another great update for today that might be a little TMI for some.... I made 3 BINS of breastmilk status today!! I am so proud of myself for putting in so much time (every 2-3 hrs) into pumping so that Presley can have the very best start. I really do believe it is the best thing for her right now & I'm happy that at least my body decided to do this one thing correctly! Last time I struggled SOOOO much with milk supply with Liberty, so this time around it is such a huge blessing that they are working! My super sucky body decided to do something right, so it's helping me feel a little less worthless. I know it's not my fault that my body decided to fail Presley & evict her early.. but at the same time it doesn't make it easier. When she struggles I feel so guilty and just wish we weren't doing this whole NICU thing again. Everyone is always saying how strong I am, but the honest RAW truth, is that I don't feel that way. I feel weak & most days I feel like I can barely keep my head above water. I wish I was more positive about everything, and I am trying, but it's hard. I'm REALLY trying to not be envious of all the mothers in post partum who have their take home full term babies, or all my pregnant friends, but again, it's hard to not be sad when I see them, or when I read all the FB status's. I'm a part of this preemie Mama group, and all the ladies are just so wonderful & I feel closer to some of them then some of my friends I've known for years.. and this last year knowing them, made all the preemie stuff & delays with Libby sooo much easier. But now, I just feel like the odd ball out. Recently there have been a LOT of full term babies born after preemies in our group, and it's just been REALLY hard to read all the posts lately because I was SUPPOSE to be one of those women. One of those that had success after a preemie... and now, I just feel lost & hurt. I hate the phrase "supposed to". I hate being referred to as a "frequent flyer card to the NICU" "repeat offender <---- like I'm guilty of a crime or something" and the worst yet "the one who can't carry a baby to term".. it makes me feel defective. I know most people who say this are just trying to joke or make light of our situation, but I won't lie, it hurts. I'm hoping in time I will be able to let go of the hurt & sadness I feel. I know I have to take it one day at a time, and I'm just glad people suggested I blog, because it truly does help to be able to get it all out. Raw truth is that I'd love a huge happy pill that took away all the pain, but I don't want to just smother it, I want to work through it, so until that day comes, I will blog. Okay this post started out SUPER exciting and happy and turned glooomy, so here's a happy pic of Presley & I today when I went in and she was in an OPEN crib!!