What started out as a pretty chill evening hanging out with Presley at her isollete, changed to a CrAzY hour in the NICU tonight when they got a call from L&D to come get a term baby that was in respiratory distress. The reason why I'm writing about this is to get all my thoughts from that hour out of my head.
When they brought little man in, there were 6 of them standing around him, complete with giving him oxygen & there was just a lot of commotion going on. For me just being an innocent bystander sitting at my baby's bedside (who slept peacefully through all the chaos going on right behind her) it put me on edge. Having had two preemies who have both had RDS & had to both be vented, just seeing other babies struggling to breathe makes me feel sick and almost put me into a panic attack. It's those scary horrific times that you never want to remember or relive again & Both memories of both my baby girls struggling to breathe and fighting for their life just came crashing into me all at once and now I'm just emotionally drained.
I'm not going to start a "why me" post but man life is NOT easy right now by any means. I know I'm so blessed to have two beautiful little girls, that given a few years ago I never thought would happen. My two sweet miracle baby girls who make my life complete... But I'm not going to lie, they also have given Aaron & I quite the ride. I'm sure I will have gray hair before I'm even 30 & any sooner than that I wouldn't be surprised either. I walk into the hospital multiple times a day (who am I kidding, I basically live here) and with the NICU being on the same floor as L&D, post partum, and obgyn clinic, I'm surrounded by pregnant women with ginormous beautiful full term bellies & Mamas with full term babies. I try not to think of the should have, would have, could have beens... But right here and right now, I just want to say it's NOT fair. I wanted all of that, and I know I deserved that. I miss my growing belly and feeling sweet tiny Presley wiggling around in there, instead of having to quietly watch over her by her isollete. I'm never going to feel that again, and even though I am quite happy knowing i never have to suffer through hyperemesis or the nightmare roller coaster ride of the NICU again, I still feel sorta like I got robbed of something I should have had. I longed and dreamed, wished and hoped for a full term pregnancy & that didnt happen & thats been a rough pill to swallow that my body failed me & her. I know it's not my fault, but in a way it still somewhat feels like it is. Why again!? As if once wasn't enough.
I have TONS of friends & family who are pregnant right now, and even though I love them all dearly, I'm starting to get really peeved off about all the complaining they are doing & just wish theyd stop taking it for granted. There have even been a few comments recently about how they wish their baby would just come now and none of them are even close to term.. Some even in the 20 something wks range and under what Presley was when she was born. THIS makes me sick. I did & would have done anything to keep both girls in longer, so hearing these comments makes me angry, sad, hurt, sick, and a whole lot of other feelings. They've even gone as far as saying just because Libby was early, she's fine now & that Presley is doing great too so having a preemie must not be that hard... SERIOUSLY!!?!!!! Whoever thinks it's easy should come take a walk in my shoes for a day & then I just know they'd change their mind... Or I could send them to some of my other preemie mama friends who have dealt with Much harder & worse than I.
I'm peeved that some people are so caught up with being in the spotlight and needing all the attention on them... That they have cut me out of their life completely because I'm taking their pregnancy attention away. Newsflash.. I DIDN'T want this attention, and being mad at me for having a preemie is just rediculous. Get over yourself, you're being so selfish!!! I wouldn't wish this on anyone. And to those who think having a preemie is so intresting.. Yeah it's not. It's scary. I hate that I'm constantly terrified I'm going to loose my precious baby girl everytime she bradys, and that I'm scared to walk into the NICU every morning because I'm worried something happened or came up while we were gone. My heart instantly drops to the floor when I see her Neos standing next to her isolette again for the fear something is wrong. When her monitors go off, it puts me on edge... And this is just some of the everyday stressors...
I feel so emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm so tired, so stressed, and
I just can't believe we are doing this NICU thing all over again. Its not fair! I ate healthy & did everything i was suppose to by the book & then you get the mothers that are on drugs and what not & their babies are born healthy and full term. I've tried to be strong & put on a brave face, but darn it, it's HARD! My voice is cracking all the time, because I've cried way too much & I'll admit, I've cried myself to sleep because I just miss my Presley so much at night and hate having to leave her in the hospital every night. I want to hold her, snuggle & Cuddle her as long as I want, nurse her, and i cant. It's rough & breaks my heart. Then throw in the whole having to pcs again ordeal & I'm sure it's enough to make anyone feel exhausted.
I just wish that sometimes life was easier. That's life though, it's not easy & that's what makes the good things so much sweeter, because you went through so much to get to the good Stuff. I'm so thankful for such an amazing support system that Aaron & I have. Our family and friends that have been amaZing. My preemie family has been aMazing.
(and for the ones that haven't been supportive, I'm still in shock for how much disrespect some have shown me. I'm hurt that one of our family members has totally just hurt Aaron & I by basically cutting us out of her life completely for NO reason. We asked why & we got blocked/ deleted/ shunned basically. To her I just want to say that in your time of need, I was there for you. I'm really hurt by this,It's sad you can't be there for me, especially right now.)I had a beautiful baby girl, and didn't even get an awknowledgement from her, and this hurts.
Okay got a little side tracked.. I'm thankful for every single prayer, and kind word that has been said to Aaron and I. All the emails and comments and love have meant so much to me & I appreciate them all.. Even if I don't have time to respond to them all, I want you to know I still read them & love them & I love you all for being there for me when I'm at my worst (which tends to be more these days) and at my best. I'm trying my hardest to keep it all together & I'm faking it till I make it I guess. If anyone is still reading this post about all my craziness thanks for reading. One day I hope to be posting about things like recipes, or just everyday nonsense, until then, thanks for tagging along on this CrAzY hectic somewhat chaotic but still blessed life I live.
11 comments:
Oh girl, I am sorry for your sad heart. Life is so crazy and I think the everyone gets caught up in their own little lives to realize how blessed they are to go over due with babies when there are NICU babies that were anxious to get here, or came early to give mom a chance at life with them. Keep your head up and focus on those sweet little girls of yours.
If there is anything I can do, let me know! If you need anything over there, let me know. I am here for a few more weeks so I can help if you need it!
You have done a great job a sacrificing a lot for those little girls and it sure shows in Liberty! Keep up the good work!
You're doing good. I know you don't feel like it, but no one expects any more from you right now.
Why anyone would want a preterm baby is beyond me. You & pretty girl Presley are the reason I finally went to L&D last night. I kept thinking about the pictures of her and thinking, "oh my God, what if all these BH are causing my cervix to dilate/shorten and I don't find out until it's too late???" I don't want that- I see how hard it is on you. God knows you can handle it though :)
You've got a lot on your plate, and I don't know how you're doing it!! Venting is good for the soul :)
Brook I'm just so sorry you're having to go thru this again. And whoever said having a preemie is easy, is off their flipping rocker!! It an insanely crazy rollercoaster ride that feels like its never going to end. I'd love to smack that person for you... and myself and every other preemie momma who I know that comment is going to strike nerve.. LOL You are doing an amazing job for Princess P and Little Miss Liberty and your hubby! Never doubt yourself! Praying your princesses keep doing well! <3
Major Hugs to you Brooke & Aaron. I know first hand how hard it is to be in your position. I think that helps me be able to give the right kind of support. I wont give you the "well, be glad you didn't huge and miserable" speech that some might think will help you feel better. I won't give you the "Oh, I know how you feel! My baby was in the NICU for 6 hrs under bili lights and I was horrified" blurb. Sometimes people don't realize how truly stressful it is to have such a young baby in the NICU. And any attempt to minimize it, even if they mean to help you feel better, just makes those comments seem cold and detached. Instead I will say I know how hard it is to wash your hands a thousand times a day. I know what its like to brush your teeth at night before bed and realize you don't have a baby in your belly to jiggle around anymore. I know what its like to have your due date approaching months away. I know what it's like to walk into the NICU and see a Dr. standing near your baby's isolette. I know what it's like to become solely and stressfully reliant on those monitors. To wonder if your baby will ever stop having As & Bs. To not be able to feed your baby for weeks (and freak out when they choke on the tiniest drop of milk). And all those what ifs and things to come. I wish you could have had a different experience. Having a baby the way you always imagined. When things don't work out the way they should...it just hurts when you see people are able to have the experience you were robbed of. I know that pain.
I just hope that you all are able to continue to move forward everyday, and take it one week, one day, one hour at a time if you need to. Our stuff arrived 4 days after the boys were born so I know the added stress of having to move during this time. Just hold tight to your family during this time and worry about the rest when it comes time. As for recipe blogging, I'm about to write my first recipe blog and Micah is nearly 8 months old...so there really will come a time once again where you can get back to normal. I know it doesn't feel like it now though. Much Love & God Bless
I love you Brooky! My heart just breaks for you. I remember just a month ago or so when you were helping me and comforting me through my whole ordeal....I just wish I could be there right now for you and give you a big hug! You don't deserve this. Going through years of infertility and two preemies. It sucks how good people have to go through such crap! ((HUGS)) You know anytime you need to chat I'm here! Our damn uterus' suck ARSE! Its times like these you want to slap a duggar! LOL
I'm so sorry people have been giving you a hard time. I think you're amazing for how well you seem to be handling everything that's happened. I'm glad Presley is doing better. I hope you're recovering well, too! You are in my thoughts and prayers always.
I'm so sorry people have been giving you such a hard time. I think you're amazing for how well you seem to be handling everything that has happened. I can't imagine what it's like to go through so much. I'm glad Presley is doing better & I hope you're recovering well, too. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
((((hugs)))) Love you babe. You are doing an AMAZING job and we know you did everything right. I'.m so sorry you had a rough day. I pray for you every day. I was so glad to read her PDA closed. Anyway, just wanted to say love ya
Brook, you are amazing hunny! I think it's time for me to remind you, as one of Lily's NICU nurses explained to me... it's a good thing you did everything right! Those people that don't do everything right aren't giving their babies a fighting chance. They were lucky they made it to term and had healthy babies... because if their babies had been premature, they wouldn't survive. Not that all babies that don't survive are because their parents do something wrong, because that's not the case. But if a parent doesn't do things right and their baby is premature like Presley, their chances just suck!
Because you did everything right, you have that little fighter in that isolette, making great strides every day! When you get frustrated, remember that you did everything right and gave Princess Presley the best starting chance you could!
You are AMAZING and I wish we could all be there with you to give you the hugs we are thinking of when we think of and pray for you and your family.
I know you are exhausted! And to have to ask to hold Presley - man that stinks so bad! I HATED, absolutely HATED not being able to hold and comfort Lily. But by being there, you ARE comforting her... unfortunately it's not through as much hands on as it is just being there and her knowing it.
Keeping you in my prayers!
Like I mentioned in the message I sent to you the other day on FB, you are so strong. Hang on girl, this is but a moment in time, you have so much to look forward to in the years to come, you amaze me. xo
Brook your little family is amazing!! Being a mommy i cant even imagine what you go through daily..What does it mean when you say she brady's?
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