CM Project, How I View

For the past 6 months, I have been a part of this AMAZING group, Clickin Moms. I've learned A LOT from there, and although I'm not able to post that much since I'm super busy with my girls... I check it out frequently & I am always BLOWN away with the amazing talent there. Anyway, I decided to challenge myself, and participate in their 12 for 12 "How I View" Project. I'm a part of an amazing group of 12 women, and each month we will be posting a blog post centered around a new subject. I'd highly recommend following along, and checking out their blogs/photography too, because there is AMAZING talent in this group!

January's theme, was New Beginnings. At first I was really stumped on just what I would choose. Of course I could take pictures of the girls, since I feel everything with them has new "firsts" but I'm sure I will be using them as some of my monthly subjects in the months to come, so I wanted to challenge myself. From Libby's first steps as a WALKER (yay it only took 19 months!) from Presley tripod sitting for the first time, to her first back to front roll, I thought these were all blog worthy, but I still yearned for something MORE. Then while sitting out on the porch with Libby one morning, I saw this PERFECT flower that had bloomed, and was the first one of the year. I loved how there was only 1 flower, and how it bloomed perfectly, even after the cold desert storm we had just had the night before. It brought beautiful in depth meaning to me, a flower so beautiful withstanding the cold storm. Libby & I walked around the house, and there was another first flower on it's bush as well. We also have these tiny little flowers on our bushes in front, and they have just bloomed as well. So this is my view on New Beginnings, a fresh, beautiful new start to another beautiful year.



As I was snapping away, Libby was standing there on the porch blowing me kisses, and of course we all know I can't resist taking pictures of her :) As we were walking around the house, she saw the empty garden hose holder, and started saying UP as she tried to climb onto it, she's hilarious.

Back to the project.. my favorite tiny little flowers, they have SO much detail for being so tiny. So tiny but yet so perfect & beautiful (reminds me of my perfect tiny girls).


I had a lot of fun & can't wait to see what the other members of the group have chosen for their view on New Beginnings! Check out Stacey and her amazing photos!

A little late

So I realized this morning that it was now FRIDAY (yay, thank heavens this has been the LONGEST week ever) but that also, alas I had forgotten to write my Thankful Thursday post.

Yesterday we had Presley's Neurology appt with the pediatric Neurologist to find out more about her seizures that she has been having & the dreaded possible SWS. Good news is, that while yes Presley has a ton of markings all over her head/face, she said that she didn't agree with some of the other doctors that had seen her, and DOESN'T think she has SWS. (INSERT HUGE YAYYYYY and sigh of relief) but that because she has a few on her back, and most concerning the one that wasn't there when she was born but has developed and grown anyway, she still wants her to have an MRI to check for it, and of course to make sure her seizures aren't something crazy going on. She has to have that MRI (still has to be sedated for that) & an EEG of her brain. She said that she is hoping Presley's EEG will be able to be done without being sedated, so it just depends on if she can hold still enough, if not, she will sedate her for that too. SIGH, I HATE that sedation stuff, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. She also needs her blood drawn to check for some other things.

ANYWAY, on to much funner things, PRESLEY NOW WEIGHS 14 pounds! The little fatty lol! From her well baby check up on Monday to her appt yesterday, she gained 9 ozs!! Aaron & I kept saying we thought she seemed heavier, SURE enough, she is :) She is also 24 1/2 inches long, catching up to her sister nicely who is at 29 1/2 inches long. Presley is finally starting to fill out her 3 month size clothes well, and I have officially put away all the newborn & 0-3 month clothing. I will be honest here, don't judge me, I bawled my eyes out. It's bittersweet to know I won't ever have a tiny little baby wearing them again. Both girls have worn them, and it makes me sad memories won't be made in them anymore. I LOVE that Presley is getting bigger, but time is FLYING by, and before I know it they will both be in college. And THAT is the fact that makes me get this huge lump in my throat. I just wish time could slow down.

I've never really been afraid of growing old, but over the past few wks, my world has been changed, and now the future of what lies ahead scares me a little. There's that raw pain that the fear of the unknown brings. No matter how grateful one can feel or be, that doesn't mean situations aren't hard, and it doesn't take the pain away. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? I have realized though, that while my body may have this disease, IT doesn't have ME. I'm thankful to know that. I have felt pretty defeated lately, and I was so SURE that this new year would bring wonderful and great things. I was very hopeful that it would be better than last year, because last year was HARD... and while January has made me it's bitch, I'm hoping that the next 11 months will be better. My new favorite quote is by Elizabeth Edwards. "She stood in the storm, & when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails". So while life isn't exactly how I would want it to be, I'm adjusting & even though I feel defeated a LOT lately, I'm still very grateful for the things I have.

I laid in bed this morning with my sweet little Libby who is sick, and we watched some cartoons while Presley napped in her swing. While that may not seem like the best to some, it was the best for me. Why you ask? Because Libby had her head on my shoulder all cuddled up with me & her blankey, and every so often she would look up at me & smile. Her sweet little face and her red little eyes because she was fighting naptime so hard, but the way her eyes sparkled and she would just randomly kiss my cheek... THAT is what makes my world go round. I could hear Presley being rocked by her swing, and seeing the steady rise & fall of Libby's chest as she finally fell asleep in my arms, my whole world felt complete. Sure I wish things in life could be easier, that people didn't have to get sick, and babies/kids didn't have to struggle, BUT all in all, I feel like my world is pretty darn good. I wouldn't trade my crazy life with anyone, because I love my life. I love the people in it, and that is what I'm thankful for, MY life. I'm thankful for the good times, because they are what get me through the hard times. I've had countless times in the shower where I've cried & sobbed, I've gotten good at the silent cry, but it makes me human. It makes me FEEL, and the thing about that, is that you can't possibly know how GOOD you have it, unless you have experienced the hard bad times too. And the truth is, The good FAR outweighs the bad.

Thankful Thursday

I've thought about this post for a few days, and then after the events of yesterday, my mind went blank. Blank and all I wanted to do was post about how blindsided I feel, how my heart is aching, but then I realized, blogging about that isn't going to change anything. So I didn't, I kept it in, cried my eyes out in my sweet hubby's arms while he so sweetly said "we will fight this Brook" (which made me cry more because I just feel lucky to have such a good man in my life). I woke up this morning still in denial, and really upset that life just can't be easier. I mean seriously, WHEN is enough, enough? Then a phone call came from my Dr. confirming what he said it was Yesterday, and I was just thinking, Thanks dude, don't you know it's suppose to be "thankful thursday", how the heck am I going to write a THANKFUL post after this phone call!?! It's funny how life can just throw these things out of left field and BLINDSIDE you. I laid in bed sobbing, and for a minute wishing I had a maid/nanny so that would allow me to be able to just lay in bed all day & throw myself the biggest best pity party. But then I remembered this quote, Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway. ~Emory Austin. So I laid there pondering things about life, how unfair it can be, and really thinking about the good. I've always wondered what compells people to run marathon after marathon, especially when they are sick... and NOW I know. I made a vow to start running everyday, to need to at least get out and walk everyday with the girls (good thing I got a new stroller) because I don't want to later be wondering WHY I didn't do this. WHy I took it for granted. That has to be one of the main reasons people do this, because they NEED to LIVE and really LIVE their life, while they still can. I'm not ready to tell, and don't know if I will ready for a while, but I promise to eventually post about this huge elephant in the room. I'm not going to start running marathons, but I am going to get outside and RUN everyday.

Yesterday after I got home from my appt, I just needed to get out and DO something. So I jogged behind Libby as I pushed her in the stroller. I took in how clear the sky was, how the sun was setting and how it glistened perfectly on the leaves. I'm thankful for just how beautiful it was, and the crisp air to breathe in was wonderful. She LOVES our new stroller. As I'm unbuckling her after we are done, she looks up with this puppy dog sad face, and says no no no, MOE!! She says "MOE" for more, it's pretty hard to not just take her on another walk when she does that. That walk helped put things into perspective, and was good for my soul. I'm thankful to be able to go on walks with my girls, I won't ever take that for granted now.

Presley was SUPER happy before I left for my appt, and I'm just thankful for her smiley little face. Her smiles help me feel better, even when it's hard. Look at that double wrist fatty bracelet, I'm thankful for those too. Babies are suppose to be fat!


I'm thankful for my girls. Thankful to be their Mama (I know, I know, I say that every blog post & every TT post, but it's because it's true) I'm never in the pictures, so even though I don't look awesome in it & it's pretty grainy, I LOVE that it's of me & my two precious girls.

Most of all though, I'm thankful for my family. For my sweet hubby, and how supportive he is. He may tick me off and annoy me sometimes, but he means everything to me & I'm lucky to be his wife. In all the craziness that life throws, I'm just thankful every night that I have a family to be with, and who is always there for me. In times of hardship & sadness, family is always there, and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for my Mama being there for me to cry to yesterday. I'm thankful for one of my besties, who listened to me cry while Aaron kept adding his input & making us laugh, and for dealing with my crappy phone service & all the dropped calls. I'm thankful I have loved ones to share the good times and the bad times with, because that is what life is all about.

Here's the most up to date pic of my sweet little family, my most wonderful blessings. I'm thankful for every single day I get with them, and I'm thankful to know how precious life & your health really is.

ThAnkFul ThUrSdAy.. Here's to YOU!

Last weeks raw thankful Thursday was very well received and I appreciate all the emails that were sent to me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm sharing too much, but then I get the emails saying thanks & I feel justified :) I'm thankful to have such great friends that are there for me. I'm thankful for the ones who love me for ME & look past all my faults & love me anyway. I'm thankful for true friends that have stepped up to the plate and become my family when family hasn't been there. Living far away from family can be hard, but our friends have become our second family, and Im so thankful for you all.

I'm thankful for all the friends Aaron & I have made living overseas & our military family. I love my military wifey friends, you all know who you are, and I'm so thankful to have such a big support system in all of you. I love the unity we have. A lot of us don't live at the same base anymore, but it's still like we live next door, and I love that! Aaron is putting in his paperwork to cross train from AMMO to a new job in the military, and has been researching jobs like crazy. He recently asked me what I thought about a certain base, and I replied "oh so&so live there and they love it...." this makes me smile to look back on, because we have so many friends all around the world and to me that's amazing. From friends all over the states, to all over Europe, to Asia & Guam, it's comforting to know we have friends everywhere.

I'm thankful for the military and the secure job it gives my husband. The opportunities we have had in the military have been great, and I'm thankful for the knowledge we've learned while being in the military life as well. I'm thankful to how solid it's helped Aaron & I become as a couple. We were pretty close before he joined, but then were pushed to the limits of a long distance marriage living on opposite sides and it brought us so much closer. We've watched so many friends go through divorces, and I'm thankful Aaron & I have withstood that. Weve had our own trials, but living abroad forces you to work it all out and lean on each other because that's all you have... And I'm thankful for that. We know we can move/live anywhere and be okay & make new friends and that's a wonderful knowledge to have. I've said it more than once, but I'll say it again, we love our military family!!

I'm thankful for all the friends I have made while being a Preemie Mama. I love my preemie mama friends, and a lot of them are very dear to my heart. I've loved the support most of them have given me when others seem to not understand, and I will always be grateful for that. I love watching all of their miracle kids grow up, it's amazing to me. When their kids hit developmental milestones, I'm just as proud of them as my own, because I know how hard those miracle babies worked, they amaze me. Facebook can be hard to get on somedays & I'm constantly wanting to bite someone's head off for being so ignorant about pregnancy & wanting their baby to be born long before term/or before the goal of the amazing 39wks.... But my preemie mama friends understand & my newsfeed is now flooded with all the accomplishments these preemies are making, and THATs wonderful to read everyday. I'm loving all the recent term after preemie births, they bring such happiness and smiles to my face and I'm soo thankful for that. It's such a victory for us preemie moms, and even though I didn't get that victory, seeing them get it makes me soo happy. A big fist pump in the air against prematurity & I love that!

I'm thankful for my readers, for the ones I know & the ones I don't. Having a blog to clear my head is great, and I appreciate the support you all give me!

Most of all though, I'm so thankful that I am happier than I can ever remember being. Despite the chaos and imperfections, I truly love my life and am so extremely thankful for everyone in it.

Blog Therapy

So this might turn into a long post, because I have a lot on my mind (HA when do I not) and I feel like it needs to be blogged. Blog therapy day it is.

Today was my first appointment with the Neuro-Opthamologist. I had to do a few tests, but that was about it.. my big appointment is next week (rolls eyes that I have to do them a week apart). I was kind of annoyed that I had to drive all the way there 38 miles from my house to the office, with terrible traffic, and I barely got there in time even though I left my house an hr & 15 mins before, JUST for two little tests. SIgh... but it's important right? I had to do this test where you look into this machine, they turn off the lights, one eye is patched, and you have to look at this tiny orange laser in the middle and click this button everytime you see a little white light flash. Not bad right!? Well, it wouldn't have bothered me, but it brought me back to my PRE-E days of flashing lights, and that wasn't very pleasant. Anyway, I got my click on, and when it was done, I asked the tech how'd I do, and she gave me this fake smile & an ERrr. Yeah, that sure made me feel awesome, but at least I knew when I went in that my right eye sucks. Sigh, I will keep you all updated on my eye dr. shenanigans... they said least I will need is definitely glasses, so anyone have any good recommendations? Not too sure how I feel about glasses, Aaron says they are sexy, and while he might be telling the truth, I know he's trying to make me feel better, which is sweet. But hey, I'm happy that if glasses are all I need, I'm okay with that! A saying around our house is "it could be so much worse" and aint that the truth! I'm hoping that is all I will need, and that it will solve my headache issues. The neurologist said that my left eye having to overcompensate so much for my right eye, it could be whats causing me to have such headaches. So bring on the glasses & no more headaches!

As much as I didn't want to go to my appt this morning, I do love an open road. There is just something about an open freeway that is like therapy for the soul. Let me explain. When Libby started convulsing in the backseat on the freeway onramp when she got stung by a scorpion, well that's when I floored it and was so scared for her. Hearing her choking & puking in the backseat, and seeing her convulsing in the rear view mirror, it scared me more than I want to admit, and it was horrible. I was so scared I was going to loose my little girl, and I don't really remember thinking anything but I HAVE to get her to the hospital NOW and I passed cop cars, an ambulance, (which they both showed up at the hospital about 5-10 mins after I did) anyway, NOTHING else mattered but getting her to the hospital, and I had NEVER gone that fast. Well now that it's been a month, and that horror of the onramp, it still remains. However I get on the onramp now though, it's like it has these healing powers, and as soon as I hit the pedal, maybe it's the adrenaline or what, I don't really know. I totally get the "need for speed". I'm not really a speeder, especially after living on two tropical Islands in the last 4 years, but the onramp, I love the onramp.

It's crazy how much a like Libby & Presley are. Sometimes I feel like I'm just doing a repeat of last year, because a lot of the things are the same but not at the same time?! At this time last year, we were worrying about Libby's head growing so fast, and they were worrying about her soft spot bulging every now and then. Turns out it was some random thing she did, and it wasn't "normal" but what was normal for her. Well now Presley's has stared to bulge a lot too, and I just pray that it's the same for Presley. It scares me though, because we got lucky with it not being anything bad with Libby, and I just NEED for Presley's head to be okay. The dr said if it started to get worse or she starts to have more seizures that we need to take her in, and while it's not getting worse, it's not getting better either. I think it's the part where the MRI is looming in the background that has me up late night worrying. Presley still isn't sleeping through the night, but she is getting a little better at sleeping longer. She still wakes up at 1:30-2am for a feed, and falls right back asleep and eats again at 6am. I usually hold her for a few minutes after I feed her, but last night, I held her for much longer. She always wants to be held, but at the same time has sensory issues where she can't handle too much. So kissing, hugging, snuggling, she does NOT like that, and needs her space, it hurts my heart that those things bother her, but she is getting better. So at night when she is sleeping, I hold her close, because she doesn't mind me cuddling her when she is sleeping. Or at least she can't really tell. Well last night, right after I fed her, it seemed like she might have been having another seizure, and started screaming, but then went right back to sleep. It scared me, and I of course found myself being scared to let her sleep. So there I was sitting there in the dark and my heart just breaking really wondering about all the "what ifs" and she smiled at me in her sleep. It's moments like this, that make life worth it. Because sure I'm terrified of the unknown with her, but she has the sweetest soul, and shows me how to be tough. We've noticed on the days where she has more physical activity/ too much stimulation, she has more seizures... which is scary, but maybe all she needs is meds right!? That's what we are hoping for.

Anyway, this morning, I had to fill out a lot of paperwork for my dr appt. I really DESPISE filling out all the med chart stuff, because that's where answers get tricky. Complications, Allergic Reactions, Surgeries, Pregnancy & outcome (this one always tears at me for a few seconds), Family history (oh yeah being adopted that's fun). Anyway, the nurse took my chart and said WOW is this a typo, or did you really have two emergency c-sections in under a year!? She said it with such shock and loud enough for everyone to hear it went silent, and a simple "yep" from me, all she could say again was WOW TWO preemies in under a year. I gave her this look, like SO?! Then she told me that I was a super mom, and I deserve a HUGE pat on the back. She asked "how do you do it, how do you stay so strong" and I chuckled and give the reply I always give.. Day by day, and when it gets crazy, I remember how hard we worked for this, and that's all I need to get me through. The next part blew me away. She got all teary eyed, and said she looked up to me & I gave her hope, as she has been suffering from infertility for 2 years. I smiled, and gave her a quick rundown of my infertility shennanigans, and she told me that she was going to call into work today because she just needed a day off, but that she felt like she needed to be at work for some reason. She said that when I told her my infertility stuff, she knew that reason was ME! I think it is a little cheesy, BUT I believe fully in things like this, and it was cool for me to help someone just by telling my story. God works in such mysterious ways. While I do wish things were easier sometimes, and I stumble here and there with my faith, but having two preemies has REALLY made me lean on my heavenly father. You HAVE to believe, because there just are no other options. You HAVE to believe in the greater good, because life has so many challenges, and without faith, I just don't know where I would be. One of my favorite quotes is "where hope grows, miracles blossom" I have never stopped having hope, and hope/faith has gotten me through, and I FULLY believe that it can get you through anything. I thought a lot about faith and other things on my drive today, and I found it SO fitting that the song by Casting Crowns "Praise you in this storm" came on my ipod JUST at the time I needed to hear it (I had it on shuffle and have thousands of songs so I was impressed). I had to drive by the childrens hospital today, and that song came on, and even though my heart hurt when I saw it, I also felt comfort in knowing that whatever the outcome & if something is wrong, our faith will get us through it. So while this storm is brewing, I'm learning to dance in the rain. My new years resolution was/is to try to "worry less" and while it's REALLY hard right now to not worry, I'm trying. I LOVE this "Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of it's troubles; It empties today of it's strength." and my new favorite quote "Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken.. but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places" So deep, but yet SO true.

She is WALKING!!!

It's been a pretty quiet but long Monday. Libby has been really snuggly today which these are the days I love. I love them all, but the extra snuggly ones are my favorite :) Aaron has to work late again tonight till about 8, (Friday they had to work till 8 too). Anyway the days he has to work super late, the day always drags on and seems SOO long. Two teething babies, well it makes life interesting that is for sure! The girls are upstairs napping, dinner is cooking in the crockpot (crockpot spaghetti) and I'm sipping a Chai Tea Latte while I take a quick break from cleaning. I've been cleaning/organizing upstairs all day between feeding/playing with my babies, and man I'm tired! I'm about 75% done with decorating their nurseries (a plural nursery on my blog! Who would have thought I'd ever be writing about two nurseries, this is so fun my life is!!) and then I will post pics when I'm done!

I finished Libby's crib rail cover since she is chewing it like a beaver..sigh.. and the last one I made, well she figured out how to move it out of the way. I have a little trickster on my hands! So I doubled the fabric I used (it's hot pink which I LOVE) and I added a 4inch piece of foam to make it padded. I finished it up on Sunday, and I'm pleased to announce IT'S WORKING!!! At least I figured out how to do it this time, and my trial/error is over so that when Presley finally sleeps in her crib (yep, still not in her own room yet, I know bad of Aaron & I... BUT I'm just not ready to move my baby out of our room yet) anyway her crib will stay nice and pretty!!

The COOLEST thing though that I have to blog about today, is DRUMROLL PLEASE...................... At one week shy of 19 months old, my sweet Liberty Grace is WALKING!!!! She has been standing up and walking a few steps and would fall down and that would be it. But a few days ago, I was in Presley's room hanging curtains, and I heard Libby giggling, turned around and she was WALKING in the room!! I was like OMG, and then she turned around, walked all the way out, into her own room, then back out into the loft & gave Presley a toy, then back into Presley's room all the way over to the window, then back out of her room and into the loft again!!!! ALL while only falling twice, but she got back up, stood up like it was nothing and kept going! I was so proud as I stood there in amazement watching her :) SHe's amazing! I felt like an idiot the next day for announcing the huge news on FB though, because of course she took a break and didn't walk for a day. But she has started to walk around more, and it is AWESOME! Today, she stood watching the TV and was dancing to the music on it. It was just so cute watching her dance without holding onto anything :) Seeing her walking like a little drunk person, it makes my heart happy. I've been a big sobbing mess watching her, because I'm just so proud she can finally do it! It use to bother me that she couldn't walk/run around like other kids her age, or way younger kids than her were walking (Ha, I have friends whose kids are almost a whole year younger than her, and they were walking before her! Bet you can guess how that made me feel) anyway, it use to REALLY bother me, but I KNEW it had to happen eventually, and now that she can, I can say it was WELL WORTH THE WAIT!! She's giving me a run for my money, but it's so fun. I don't mind the messes she is making, and how my house instantly got 5 times messier, because I know how special it is she is walking! Perspective, it's awesome :)

Here's a few pics of her walking!


If you look up in the corner you can see the cover on the top of the rail of the crib that I'm talking about, it's pink.


This is one of those better late than never things, but over the weekend, Libby started to actually use her spoon! Finally, we've only been trying to get her to do it for months, but this weekend, she grabbed the spoon and fed herself! First some cottage cheese (which she LOVES) and then tried some rice the next day with her spoon. Today though, she fed herself half a thing of yogurt!! I'm pretty proud of her! Both girls are just SO much fun, and they make me soo happy. I don't understand how some people don't like kids, or don't want them, because they sure do make my life SO rich & fun!

Speaking of milestones, Check out Presley's new trick she is trying to learn!!

She can sit up unassisted for about a minute before she completely gives and topples over... but that is great progress for her! Way to go little mama, you make me SO proud! It makes me a little nervous though to let her try to sit up, because her head is still pretty fragile, and her soft spot really bulges when she does this. Sigh, there's that dang MRI thing again, but at least it's coming soon so we will know if it's just normal for her, or not. She had 4 seizures today that I witnessed, and it's REALLY been stressing me out. I've tried really hard to not think about it, or tried to not worry, but that's damn near impossible when you witness it. Sitting there watching your little baby have a seizure, well it's terrifying. She usually starts SCREAMING after, because I think it scares her, or worse, maybe it's painful (this makes me sick to my stomach to think) so, yeah, I'm feeling a little stressed. I JUST need for her to be okay & need to know she is going to keep being okay. We've had so much CrAzY, it feels like I am always waiting for the ball to drop. At some point, I know life has got to get easier, and it may not seem like it now, but I actually can tell a tiny bit that it is. It's getting a little bit less stressful, and for that I'm grateful.

I saw this on a couple of my friends status's today on FB, and thought it was hilarious. SO true.

Reasons why having a Toddler is like being a Frat Party:

10. There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub.
9. There’s always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner.
8. It’s best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function.
7. You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone’s going to start banging on the door.
6. Probably 80% of the stains on the furniture contain DNA.
5. You’ve got someone in your face at 3 a.m. looking for a drink.
4. There’s definitely going to be a fight.
3. You’re not sure whether anything you’re doing is right, you just hope it won’t get you arrested.
2. There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere.
1. You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there.

RAW Thursday

It's a RAW thankful Thursday. Long, Raw, and uncut.

So Aaron and I are big movie watchers, and since we've been living overseas the past 4 years, we have quite the TV series collection on DVD too. Anyway, we got the latest season of BONES on dvd, and we just finished the season. At the end of the season, Angela goes into labor, it shows her labor/delivery scene, and she has her baby. They hold him & he is a perfect healthy little boy, and they cry tears of happiness. I'm getting to a point, I wasn't ready to see that scene yet. It was beautiful, (and I've been rooting for A & H even when they weren't together) and my honest raw feelings, it hurt so badly to watch. I loved that they were having a baby and that the baby wasn't blind. But the scene hurt. Deep down in my heart, there is this wound that is healing, but it's sorta like a loss at the same time. A loss of a dream that will never come true. I'm SO blessed, and I KNOW how blessed I am. But, that doesn't mean certain things won't hurt, and it shocked me at how much it hurt to watch that scene. Aaron was so sweet, and said "I know, Brook" and that is ALL I needed. Others don't know what I've been through like he does, and it's a select few that are in this club. A simple 3 words, the complete understanding & love that came from them, I will never forget that. I just wish others were more understanding. It reminds me of one of my favorite songs by Brandi Carlile called The Story. You should listen to it, it's great.

"You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you..."

I hope one day, I will be able to watch a scene like this, and not have it reduce me to tears, and that the pain will heal. Just when I think I am so strong, and doing so well, something so small can take me back to that pain. Our neighbors door recently shattered, and it puts things into a perspective. The glass door had a small crack in it & since it's a custom door, they had to wait a whole year before it could be redone. Well she drove up into the driveway, and it kicked a tiny piece of gravel, but that tiny rock hit just the right spot on the crack, and the glass just shattered. A thick double pane door with a small crack, and that tiny rock had such a huge impact. I've recently been asked to take pictures for a friend that is delivering her baby in a few weeks, and she asked for birth photos. I'm flattered, and I'd like to think I might be ready for that, but in all honesty, it scares me. I'm pretty sure I could hold my composure, and it would be beautiful, but I know it would hurt. I want to for my photography to broaden my portfolio, but I have to protect my heart at the same time if that makes sense.

When I was being admitted when I had severe Pre-E with Libby, there was another woman who had a placental abruption at 24wks. A code white was called, and the top floor was chaotic while they rushed her to an OR. Her baby was rushed to the NICU, and sadly, her sweet tiny baby died during the night. I never knew this woman, as she was a Japanese local, but I felt the grief from all of the staff, and it forever impacted how I would view having a preemie. It was two and half days later when Libby was born, and 24hrs after she was born that the NICU team was coming in to my room to tell me Liberty was fighting hard, and needed to be intubated. They have to read you all these risks of what can happen when intubating, and it's terrifying. I hadn't even seen her in person yet, and didn't get to until she was 28hrs old, but I was terrified wondering if I would be able to see my baby alive, all the while in the back of my head I know downstairs in the morgue is a tiny 24wker that didn't make it. The raw pain of the unknown, it's scary, and I can't explain it. After knowing this woman's preemie didn't make it, it forever scared me, and when I hear about a baby having to be born premature, my heart sinks & sends chills down my spine. Thank heavens for technology being able to keep both my girls alive. That day and half of being kept over in L&D side because it was to risky to move me, I listened to SO many women have their babies, and I just sobbed the whole time. I listened to mother after mother give birth, and heard them say how beautiful their babies were, and being wheeled off to post partum with a baby in their arms, or pushing a baby bassinet. Then fast forward to Presley's traumatic birth, she was worked on & intubated immediately after birth, then my c-section had complications & I heard my blood spilling on the floor & my dr yelling for clamps, and then I was put under. Then the horrible ambulance ride & plane ride being medevac'd to Okinawa. Seeing my baby in this incubator while I laid strapped to a stretcher, that is NOT what I had pictured for the birth of my sweet baby girl. I had pictured so many beautiful moments of what birthing my two precious girls would be like, and those never happened. Traumatized doesn't even begin to describe it. While my girls are for the most part healthy now, I don't know if that part of me will ever be healed completely. I don't know if I will be able to go into a L&D soon, because even though I'm SO happy for my friends and their precious healthy babies, L&D scares the crap out of me. You prepare yourself for the text book- baby on your chest right after delivery, baby in the room, home a few days later.. everything hunky dory. I prepared myself for that, dreamed of this, and what i got was completely opposite. This is why it rocks me so hard to the core. L&D terrifies me.

The amount of insensitive comments I get are insane, but I've gotten so much better at handling them. I'm thankful for that. They still sting, I just think she's the way the lord wanted her to be, after that I realized this, the comments didn't annoy me as much. She is 7 months old, and is the same size at a 3 month old, but in my eyes she is perfect. Her MRI is coming up on the 26th, and while I'm scared, I know she will be okay. A diagnoses means answers, but that's it. It doesn't change how I feel about her, it doesn't change the love we have for her, and even if she does have SWS, that love won't change. There's that raw pain again of the unknown. When I was at the children's hospital with Presley, I saw so many sick children, and it just hurt my heart so badly. Children shouldn't have to suffer, and be sick. The thing I have learned about raw pain though, is that it makes you grow. It shakes you to the core, and you may never be the same, but you grow. My little girls are the best thing that have ever happened to me. They are wonderful, amazing, and teaching me alot of patience. A pure breath of heaven. Most of new parents are anxious, scared, hormonal, exhausted, etc. but when you add the burdens of caring for a baby with medical complications, the stress skyrockets... and those burdens aren't gone for Aaron & I yet. So while some think I'm negative, and honestly sometimes I am (how could you not!?), I'm trying to be as upbeat as possible. I find that a good cry though, is good every once in a while. It was the first time I'd cried in months. Which I'm proud of myself for that, it just goes to show that you can only keep it in for so long before you break. I have become the queen of "faking it till I make it" and I'm making it!! I've done this all med free even after asking for anti-anxiety meds & was turned down, and had to really work through all this on my own. While I don't always voice how I'm feeling completely, only because I've been hurt by doing this before, I've realized it's better in the long run. It's amazing how quick I felt better after having a good cry. You can only be strong for so long, and it's good to break composure sometimes.

"All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you" (part of the song "the story")

I was made to be Libby & Presley's Mama, and I believe 100% that they were made for me. To show me that even through horrible beginnings, can become something so beautiful. I should know this by now, but I guess I keep needing reminders. My start was rough, it sorta makes sense theirs was too. In a wrong way, but it's true. I'm thankful that we made it through all that chaos. These raw moments are the sort of memories that aren’t fun to dredge up. But they’re real. And they’re part of who I am. I was told today, "how horrible to have two horrible birth stories and that's all you'll ever know." This really struck a nerve with me... I get sad when I’m with a group of moms (online or in real life), and the conversation turns to a competition. Whether it’s who had the best birth story or whose baby is sleeping best, whose toddler is the most advanced or whose preschooler has been admitted to Harvard, moms start tearing each other down. And it’s so sad. Motherhood is hard from conception on, and no one understands better than another mom. We need to support each other more. I'm thankful to know just how hard developmental milestones can be to achieve. I'm thankful to be humbled. I've cried so many tears because my kids struggle, but at the end of my tears, I know it will be okay. What makes a perfect birth story? My birth stories, they aren't your typical stories, and I've been told by quite a few that my two birth stories make others not want to have a baby. This makes me sad, because while it was scary, these "stories" brought me my two miracle baby girls. I don't want my girls to look back on their birth stories and be sad, because their birth stories are stories of triumph. They are living proof that miracles happen. When they ask, I will tell them while it was rough, it was a perfect birth story, because it brought me them. It was perfect because it was a miracle. The end result of a having a baby is what is important, not how they got here. My miracle baby girls are here, they are thriving for the most part, and THAT is all that matters. What else could I ask for? That's a pretty fabulous outcome if you ask me :)Before I had both my preemies, having a c-section was my worst fear. I was SO afraid of L&D (now I know why) but I was also terrified of pushing out a 9lb baby. Aaron was almost 10 lbs, so I figured I would have a big baby. How very silly & naive I was back then! I have never been so scared or been in so much pain as I was with both births, and so scared we were going to loose them. I believe we do ourselves and other women great harm by perpetuating the myth of the “perfect birth”. We really need to stop being so hard on ourselves. It is most certainly not what I would have chosen, but I am totally at peace that it is part of my story. They are happy and for the most part healthy.. and THAT is what makes it a perfect birth story.

I myself am adopted, and don't even know "MY birth story" so I was determined to have this great story for my girls. I feel I can say with some authority that adopted children love and connect with their parents EXACTLY the same as biological children. My mother used to hold me close and tell me that she never got to feel me growing inside her, but she could feel me growing OUTSIDE her tummy! I'm thankful for my adoptive Mom, and all she has done for me, which is more than I could have ever asked for. She brings me so much perspective, and is so humble. She has helped me see that it doesn't matter how a birth story is, but that all that is important is the child is here. I'm thankful I got to feel both my girls move, that I brought two miracles to life. I'm thankful that I got to watch them grow outside of my belly, and see miraculous changes while they were still in the NICU. To see a baby get eyelashes, to see eyebrows come in, to watch them learn to suck, learn how to breathe, and miraculously grow from something so very tiny. Miraculous doesn't even begin to describe it. Presley just turned 7 months today, and Libby 18 1/2 months, and the miracle that they are here and home with me, that is all I need for it to have been a perfect birth story. So with that, I'm thankful for TWO birth stories, perfect because they are perfect in God's eyes and mine. The perfect birth story? That my girls were birthed at all, they lived even with incredible obstacles, and that they are loved:) My birth stories may not seem like perfect birth stories to most, but they are perfect to me, because they gave me my sweet girls.

Last day of Vacation.

Well, today was the last day of Christmas Vacation that Aaron had off of work. He goes back tomorrow, and us girls will miss him a lot! We sure did enjoy having him home to hang out with! I love watching Aaron with our girls, he is so amazing with them. My love for him grows each day for countless reasons, but it grows even more when I watch him with Libby & Presley. They sure do love him, and I know he would do anything for them.

Libby is starting to eat a little more (YAY!) The past two days, she has come up to me, tugged on my jeans saying mama, & then will start sucking her thumb. Sucking her thumb is Libby's trademark, we know she only does this when she is A) Hungry, or B)tired. So tonight when she came up to me while I was cooking spaghetti for dinner and tugged on my jeans, & then the thumb, I was a little confused as to if she was hungry or not since Aaron had fed her a bottle an hour ago? But then I asked if she was hungry, and she signed MILK! I was like YES she signed, it's a first :) So I made her a quick 4oz bottle, and sure enough, she had it all!!! Then she wanted to help me make dinner, and ate a whole toddler sized bowl of spaghetti too!! Libby sure does love spaghetti, and kept saying mmmmmmmmmmm, and good good good :)


After dinner, she was covered in spaghetti sauce. From her ears, to all over her face, to her armpits even. She was wearing a white shirt, and I'm just glad my OCD self thought to take it off before we strapped her into her high chair! Man is she a messy eater, but key word in there is eater, and she ate a lot!! Libby LOVES to take baths in our master bathroom, the tub is huge, and she just loves it. It gives me anxiety because she is so small, and likes to stand up and walk the sides of it, and it's an easy slip hazard for her. I usually take baths with her, because she will play longer, and it's just habit from when I was pregnant with Presley, and bending over the tile tub in our house in Guam was not fun.. so I just got use to taking them with her. This evening though, I decided to just fill it up for her, and filled it with bubbles. Which was a BIG hit, she LOVED them. hehehe, classic Libby face here. Her expressions are priceless :)

One of my favorite things, is after bath time, we dry her hair, and it's always SO curly. Aaron said tonight he thinks its safe to say that She has inherited my natural curly hair. I think he is right, and I love her curls! I just wish they stayed that curly all day long. Her hair is getting curlier as it gets longer I have noticed. So cute!

One of my fav pics from today, was the one below. Aaron was putting Libby to bed, and I was going to turn off the bathroom light, when a line of animals caught my eye. Libby did this ALL on her own. Aaron & I stood there baffled, and amazed that she aligned them all in a row in the same direction even! Neither of us has ever lined them up like that, so it's all her. She is so smart. I know I say this all the time, but even though they have their developmental delays in gross motor skills, BOTH Libby & Presley are SMART as can be. They amaze me, and are always teaching me things. Today Libby kept trying to say "apple" (she loves apples by the way) but then would get so proud of herself that she was so close to saying it that she would draw out the E on the end and start laughing. So it would end up being Aaaaappleeeeeeeeeeeeee heeehheeee hee :) She cracks me up. She has such a bubbly personality, and always has a way of brightening my day.